Anyhoo, I wonder why my blog is the way it is. It has been going on for quite a while. A long time with a lot of entries. Very few readers too.
Why haven't I been in your shoes?? My battles in life a long time ago were just about being honest. That was one rung on the ladder I was going to hold onto. I didn't need anyone to tell me to look at myself. I was alone, and that is what I was doing. I was looking at the World, and myself as objectively as I can. There was no one out there keeping me in line saying, "Hey, you ain't that fucking fabulous" The truth I searched, the truth I seeked, and the truth I found. With a turn opened up all kinds of windows of learning, and suffering as it turns out.
Not only did I suffer general life hardships, but I suffered other things no one else saw. Then I suffer through the blogs I have written, and deleted as it turns out.
It has been quite a ride, and frustrating too.
The World is crazy backwards. Society is crazy backwards too. We are brought up to believe the World is good, and you are good. Have high self esteem. etc... That is why everyone is on anti-depressants probably. No one feels as good about themselves as we think we should. Why?? Because that is the truth. We look at the "Fabulous" people as if they did something right. They still struggle with the same day to day Bullshit of life we all do.
There is a whole World of learning to be done, and your ability to learn it on your own is impossible. None are smart, or strong enough to attain to the Heights available. That is what makes life, and this thing we do hard. We feel we are smart, and have the ability to learn, but you haven't even scratched the surface of what can be.
We'll see how this thing turns out. It is a bit frustrating to me, because you all are like 'Noooooooooooo, it can't be"
Like at all other parts in times of History it is hard to believe when one comes, and tells you how things are. Very few believed. Now what happens?? I have a feeling some believe against their better judgement, because this story has gone on so long, and I have helped some, and there is no way to communicate with me if the people know what I have done. Do they sense it??
It is a hard road, and a tough journey, and you have to be willing to accept your lack of fabulousness, and your lack of ability to learn on your own what must be learned.
I have never been in your shoes, because I never had to read a blog like mine back in the day. When I was suffering suffering and suffering though there is one thing I wanted more than anything. Someone who knew more than me. Someone who could give me answers. As it turns out I didn't need that someone, because through all my struggles my faith became stronger, and I was able to develop a trust in one who I haven't seen. I have been shown plenty. One time during my bad Summer I was shown what God sees. I looked at the World through his eyes. Saw everything in all his glory. I thought I was the worst person in the whole World, but I thought he wouldn't show me this if I was supposed to be bad. I have twice been taken to the doorstep of Hell. Twice with not my strength I said I was willing. The 3rd one will be the real deal. I will go where there is no hope, and nothing but despair. I will be baptized with fire as it goes.
That will be the end of my journey, and the beginning of the new me. I was asked to follow in the footsteps, and I said I was willing. I know it will be bad, and I know I will suffer, but also I know the one who overcame long ago will be with me, and I will have no fear.
It will be a crazy ride, and some of you will share in the suffering, because I will only be alive in you. Now that my friends is a prophecy too. One I have known a long while. It was the vision I had during my physical depression days. I hit the Alligator/serpent on the head 3 times, and then Katrina and I hugged.
That happened in the early 90's. Not once did I doubt it would happen. I did not know how it would happen. My path I did not make. My story is not mine, because I wanted a good story to be made out of my life, and I gave up any rights to any story I could make, and it turns out there is a pretty good author who made one for me. Like yesterday I was led on my path. I did not lead myself. Who can make this stuff up??
At the end of the day life and what we do on this Earth is crazier than fiction. :)
That is it for today!!! :)
Thanks for reading!!! :)
Hope Everyone has a Great and Awesome Day!!! :)
Love You All!!! :)))
p.s. I thank you all in advance for pretending you did not read this. I love it when you do that. :)
Love You All xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Ya'All are the best xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Extras of these xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Extras of these xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Now for really really cya cya cya :D :D I still love Olga. :)
Oh btw here is a picture of Jacob and me. We drank some beer yesterday to help cure cancer.