Thursday, June 29, 2017

Up Early With Coffee.

I am up early today. For some reason I have been sleeping in. I usually assume I'll wake up, and do this. Sometimes I'll start one and delete it, cuz it is dumb.

Anyway I remain busy with work and stuff. My veggies are coming in good,  and my front lawn looks good. The tractor sprinkler is pretty sweet,  and easy to use.

My brother John is going in for a triple bypass today. He is 52. He carries an extra 100 lbs. My brother Jim died before 50, and he carried an extra 200 lbs.

I have no idea how they ate. Fast food a lot I presume. Not sure if they ever really made real meals. I like cooking. Lucky for me my jobs are not sedentary. I carry no extra weight I don't believe. Genetically I could carry extra weight, but my appetite isn't in to huge portions anymore, and I  am too busy I think.

I did think of life though. Mine is pretty normal. My childhood was just fucked  up enough to be normal.

What does a lifetime amount to?  You follow society along the whole way. Go to school, get jobs, have kids, and get a house. If you are normal you probably have been divorced. If you are normal maybe you haven't.

One day you still are going to die. On the outside looking in my life has to be boring as Hell.  I still work, and look forward to a meal at the end of the day. The World and life probably carry a lot of promise for you. Exciting and Earth shattering stuff, but it is really nothing we do. Outside of work, eat sleep you may have a hobby. Something to occupy the time.

Inside all people is probably some idea of happily ever after. We are here a while and then gone. I don't know, there isn't much to life.

I guess everyone carries baggage in life. It hasn't been fair. I've gone through my baggage and dealt with it. So nothing ties me down. I don't have to pretend about anything ever being perfect. The funny thing about my route is in the end I owe no one anything. I don't answer to people. It makes me cold hearted probably, but none of our hearts are perfect to begin with.

So here is an update. It is about me and my life I guess, which I find to be pretty boring kinda. I don't mind boring though. I'll still have a meal at the end of the day.

Dumb entry I know. Who cares though.

I'll cya.

Thursday, June 22, 2017

It's A Better Year.

This year I seem to be doing more stuff. I water my tomatoes every day there is no rain. Zucchini,  beans, and cilantro, and cucumbers too. It really is all about the tomatoes. I water the front grass too.

I dont remember anything about last year, but I remember not doing that. It's almost July, and I was happy to get the lawn mowed. It's always a chore,  but it is good to get done.

Looking around though it seems I end up getting more and more things on the list of things to get done. Life is busier in the Summer, cuz in the winter outside of shoveling there isn't anything to worry about outside. I never thought of that.

Not for everyone. You can walk around any neighborhood,  and for some people winter is the season all year around. People don't spend a lot if time in their yards it seems to me. I could be wrong. Maybe everyone is at the beach. I wouldn't know, cuz I never go there.

To each their own I guess. We still want to paint our house. We need mulch. Plants still have to be watered, and grass too.

If I were to place a scale in front of me, and enter in the formula the amount of time ideally I'd like to spend on each activity that makes up my day to day you know what I would enter? 

Nothing. It doesn't matter. I am cool with whatever makes up my day.  I always end it with some down time. I don't have any regrets. I don't have any failure, cuz it doesn't matter.

Some days I get a good amount done outside of work, and some days not. I hold no guilt or anything,  cuz the pressures of the World do not affect me much.

Big fucking deal. It's just life. There are no trophies for "Best in day to day activities"  actually there are no trophies you keep. Plaques, and stuff don't mean shit when the worms are eating your remains.

Life eventually just breaks people. Too much guilt in stuff. No one has enough energy for perfection. If you look at stuff online you'd think life is just perfect for all in their Instagram framed life.
I wouldn't know cuz I don't do Instagram,  but I assume it is a World filled with pics.

I'd like to see a pic of your thoughts. How life breaks you down. How you want everything to look perfect,  but it is far away.

At this stage I do know one thing. Life isn't perfect. Frustration is probably something inside you. You don't control your heart, and I know how you must be feeling now. I know you aren't feeling perfect,  because right now life has to look ugly, because you have to want something better than what you are now.

You have to want more of life than what makes it up now. You want to feel content, but it is far away.

You are a mess, cuz that is how it has to be now. You are powerless to make yourself your best life. You might not know it yet,  but you will eventually.

Eventually we all have to learn how very little we control things. In life, and in our thoughts. In everything.


I am out.


Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Gotta Try To Do This.

Good morning. How's it going?   Me, I am doing good. I've been away a while. No reason really. I started to blog on Monday,  but it was dumb so I deleted. I slept in yesterday, even Saturday I slept too late. That is my sleep in day too.

No biggie. You aren't missing much not having my blog to read. Not much going on with me. I biked home yesterday in a cold rain. Like 60° cold. I know in November or March that is a warm rain, but not approaching July. Especially if we had the air on for a week. I wore long pajamas yesterday after work, and a long sleeve shirt.

I know that is just some pointless shit I am saying, but what do you think life is?  This isn't some remarkable thing we are doing living out our years. Truth be told you find yourself smack dab in your life, and you didn't ask for any if it. One day you came out crying, and the rest is history.

This blog kinda told you in the long run your life is not your own. It is one life out of a billion trillion gazillion. Happiness and contentment,  comes from a path not of your own making. Eventually all learn about this stuff, but it is important to learn it before you die. Hearts get pulled. Eventually all will look at their life and realize you did not matter one bit.

All have little short stories. All have family, and these stories are probably important to the few in your small circle.

I learned the full truth in the wilderness. I was out on my own,  and not one good thing was inside me. Little did I know I had to overcome the first time to get out of that area.

What I learned,  and knew all this time is I am not important. My life means little. Perhaps I had to relearn it a few times. The wilderness is brutal, but it does not lie. We are not important. Our time here means nothing. If you want a purpose you will be surprised. I cannot even explain.

Anyway life is kinda a trip. Especially when you know the truth, and none can accept it. If you cannot accept it then you have to somehow prove another truth, but there is none. You are in a dead end. Not one thing you can do to disprove a truth, except some musings of the foolish. There is nothing left.

How I am is pretty remarkable, cuz the wilderness has no power over my heart. I am too far along. 

Anyway, I guess that's good.


Thursday, June 15, 2017

Another Day Another Entry.

Good morning. How's it going?  Me, I am fine. Knock another day off of the days that fill my life.

I was thinking yesterday. Someone said they would not want to live forever,  cuz why would you even get out of bed?  You can put off for tomorrow everything.

All things being equal if I were to live forever I would do exactly as I am now. I wouldn't change anything.

I wouldn't go out and try new bucket list things, cuz there is nothing in my bucket list. I would not go out and learn all the things,  cuz the learning I want is blocked. It is a gift I will get eventually, but it isn't in my power to grab it.

Everything out of life I already get. A content heart. That too was not in my power to have.

The things I wish for today is good tomato plants, and my other stuff. You know a day of labor,  hang out a bit, and a good meal followed by a good night sleep. Typically I get this most of the time.

As far as other people I know they lack stuff I currently have. A content heart is pretty sweet. A promise all for good is too. Living fully open has been a strength of mine forever. To be seen. To live in the light you have no idea. It is a spiritual thing. Something felt not seen. Invisible to the eyes, but definitely something you feel. Kinda like something sore like a pulled muscle or something. You don't see it, but you do feel it.

You do not have that,  because that is post eye of the needle stuff. You are still as you were born here. A human with whatever flaws. You were born not perfect,  and you didn't somehow achieve it. People grade on their own scale. X and y do this,  and I do this. You should try grading you with no scale. Take x and y out of your equation,  cuz that does not matter one bit as far as you are concerned. Now all that stands here is you. That's all.

I know how those grades come out for everyone. Maybe you should think about that. If I wasn't here doing this. If I didn't go my separate way to be singled out to learn these things you would never know.

You would just continue doing your life thing blind to the truth. Much as you are doing now.   :)

There are questions to life, and in the end you would do better to question stuff instead of relying on your flawed understanding.

I know this cuz understanding is what I wanted all along. I think really what I wanted was security, and I figured understanding would give me that. I knew the path to understanding, and I knew after I would be the best a person can be. What I learned is security comes before understanding.

You can see I walked pretty blind. My mind didn't know my route. There are no 5 and 10 year plans on my journey.

Anyway. I'll cya.

Have fun. 

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Time Marches On.

That was the title of a country song. Tracey Lawrence I think or something like that. Time does march on though. Day after day turns into year after year. I don't know people really. I mean at all really. A good portion of their life I assume people think they and their life are important. You are the center of your universe. No one is more important than you.

Anyway days go on non stop. Someday you will be old, and your days will be reaching their end.

Wanna know what I did yesterday?  I worked,  we ran some errands, stopped and had a few beers with Hawaii Brian. He lives in Holland again. I fertilized the front yard, and watered it. We ordered a pizza. There is something about finishing the day with a meal. That content feeling of being full. Then the food induced coma afterward. It mostly is the beer and food induced coma.  They work together beautifully.

A day, a good night sleep, and now another day. I already am thinking of stopping by the Mexican store on the way home to pick up stuff for steak fajitas. Already it seems like it will be a good day.

There will be work,  and weather. It will be warm. Outside of work I can do what I like without a care in the World. Luckily my heart doesn't yearn for weird things. You people and your farm animals. You people are gross. There are laws against that you know.

Anyway, just getting something down.

Today will be a day. Time will march on. I will do what I do.

Laterzzz.   :)

Monday, June 12, 2017

Monday Monday.

Good morning. How's it going?  Me, I am doing okay. I had a typical weekend. I worked, and hung out. Didn't do much really. Watered my stuff. Looking around the neighborhood a lot of people have brown grass. Glad I am taking care of our front yard this year.

The people across the street from us bought their house with underground sprinkling. They don't use it. I never see them outside. They are on the large side, always no sun,  and their grass is brown. I don't think he wants to cut the grass. I sometimes wonder what they do couped up in their house.

In Michigan there is plenty of time to be in the house in the winter time. You kinda wonder what people do to occupy their time.

Not that I do any great things,  but I still wonder. I mean really there are no great things to be done. To each their own I guess.  What do people feel they get out of life compared to what they expect?  I assume disappointment a lot, cuz life does do that.

No matter what you sometime expected great things of your time here,  and you really won't find that. It is a big World,  and everywhere you look you'll see flaws. People are flawed,  dirt and grime are everywhere. Try cleaning just your house,  and keeping up with it.

Somehow we thought this thing would be magical, and it isn't. Violence, drugs, sex, alcohol, wars, murder, rape. You name it this World has it. Not only will life disappoint you, but you will disappoint others.

I think in everyone's anger is a hidden sadness. I come to the conclusion many will not get to that. Anger is consuming, and it takes much to get to the causes.

Anyway, life goes on. Today I'll have a day. It won't be much to it, but I'll look at things,  and think of things. I'll have a meal,  and do my watering. I like to look at my plants everyday. Pretty fun.  :)

I also have to finish my book.

Anyway. I'll cya.

Bye.  :)

Saturday, June 10, 2017

What The Heck.

Good morning. There is absolutely no reason for me to blog,  but I am up, and this is what I do. Yesterday went pretty okay. I thought I might be able to sneak out early yesterday, but the day filled up. Funny how that happens. I stopped for a couple beers after work with the guys, and got a ride home. I had tools and shit I picked up to fix the duct work for the coffee roaster. I wouldn't have been able to carry them home.

I watered the grass, and had sghetti for dinner. Then I slept. A pretty uneventful day really. I guess they all are. Today I  work,  water, and eat. I'll take Hope in a bit. I already had my coffee. I may have another.

All in all I feel pretty good. It is good to be me. Waking up how I do I wonder how others are. I am so long removed from how people normally are. I still was different during the dead years so that wasn't even the same.

It don't really matter. I don't know you, and you really have no idea about me. We are different. Neither of us are perfect. We have that in common.

Perfect is something that comes later. I guess you can strive for it if you want, but you will fail. It will help you see the truth. You ain't all that. I learned the truth the hard way. I learned it in the wilderness. I learned we are not much better off than the beasts of the field. If you think about it is true. What we eat. Sex is sex. Not exactly a glamorous thing people do. Having babies is pretty gross. We all toil in imperfection. A sword was made. It is used to judge. Prophets were all imperfect people save one as the story goes.

The story is a long one. No quick fixes on this route. Why?  I don't know. False teachers preach quick fixes as they dress in their garments.

I has no idea any of this.  I had no idea what I was getting into. For little old me to learn all this stuff is a pretty crazy story. For me to learn the whole World is wrong is pretty crazy.

I knew my story decades ago. I had to wait for the right time for my labors to begin again. A time not of my choosing, but I pretty much knew things were happening. Really I overcame the 2nd of 3 times, and the wait started right up. I looked at the bleakest possible future for myself. The judges told me that is your lot. I will be the antichrist, and I will have the worst end. With a strength not of my own I said I'll do it it is God's will. The judges control your heart too, so you believe everything they say. It was pretty soon after that I knew good was done. Pretty much the blessing I received prior to overcoming the first time took hold. Some 25 years later give or take.

So I am confident,  and assured.  People can do nothing to me. Now we are in a spot where nothing really is being done.  Just day after day. Eventually stuff will have to happen again, and I presume it will have to be your doing. My blog is the wait. I am just waiting for number 3 to happen. I will have to suffer much during that time, but I am not afraid. I have the courage of the one who went before me, because without help who knows what would have happened to me.

Left to my own devices who knows?  So I did my stuff. My story is decades in the making, and after all is said and done I can enjoy my days. As Solomon saw the pointlessness of life I do too. I am just able to enjoy my days,  cuz my heart is different than I would otherwise be.

So, today will be another day.

I'll cya.   :)

Friday, June 9, 2017

Since I Am Up.

Good morning. I feel if I can get up early I should try and do this. A lot of days I don't have much on my mind. Today is like that.

Yesterday was pretty normal. I was busy at work. I was tired when I got home. I did my watering routine. It is kinda relaxing.  Dinner got kinda screwy cuz Lisa had a funeral, and didn't get home til late. I would have gone with her, cuz I thought it was at 3:00, but it was at 2:00. I didn't plan for the 2:00 time. It was the wife of an uncle on the Dads side. I kinda felt bad for him, cuz he just lost 2 brothers recently,  and now his wife. It wasn't a surprise. She was sick.

Her ending was the thief's ending. She knew her days were coming to an end. I thought about that yesterday. I wonder what that was like.

What did she do as a kid?  She got married and had kids. It's what people do. I am not sure her schooling. Her first kiss, her first crush, her first heart break?  Who knows what she thought about? 

If I were to view my end as the thief's end now, I guess I am doing what I want. I watered my veggies yesterday. I did some labor, had,a meal, and slept good. My end there is no shoulda,  woulda, coulda, cuz in the end  I am doing what I am here to do.

My life is different now than the one I was born into.  A turn done decades ago brought me down a different path. It has been hidden for so long too. I told my story when it was time. It was no longer blocked in my heart.

Right at the beginning It was Lisa's Aunt from her dad's side who lost her husband. I was blogging then. My first of 3 blogs. At the visitation I remember people were talking about who had jobs, and I thought of the dead guy. A lot of people I saw there have now passed.

Anyway, my life goes on. I have no questions about my purpose. I don't look back at anything. I am strong too. Strong, content,  and secure.

I Blogged cuz I was up. Someday you'll be like that lady who passed. You will see your final days. Currently I know where you stand. I don't have any idea now how you go from point A to point B. My story currently stands in the failure zone,  and it wasn't my fault. It will not always remain so, but I have no idea how that works. We will see.

Many will fall away or already have. I am strong too, so it isn't a major concern. People have pretty much zero affect on who I am, and how I feel.

I feel pretty good too. I am glad I get to water my plants and my yard. A life well lived I guess you can say. No false truths float in my head. I was changed away from that. Few will make that little step.  You are still a slave to country,  religion,  society, or whatever. Worse off is you are still a slave to you.

In the end you still gotta give up you to find a better way. It is hard. Especially since you are older and more entrenched in your life.

Seems impossible huh?  Yep, that it is  

Anyway. I'll cya.


Tuesday, June 6, 2017

If I Blogged About My Day To Day.

Good morning. There is nothing to see here. Just a guy and his blog. Just doing the day to day thing,  and putting here whatever enters my head.

Spoiler alert:  my day to day is pretty boring.

Yesterday for the highlight we got one of those tractor sprinklers. Somehow the tractor follows the path of your hose, and waters the whole lawn. We are lazy, and the idea of moving the sprinkler a few times every day will never happen. Now we just set up hose and tractor, and the lawn gets sprinkled.

It seems like rocket science how those things work,  but that little do hickie  has been around for decades. So 1960 rocket science probably.

Other than that not much. I slept all the way to my early alarm almost. A good night sleep. The day before I was up at midnight. Life is the best with a good night sleep. My veggies and garden got watered. I picked up another plant. Green zucchini. I have yellow and green. One of our grill favorites.

It looks like I will be working more hours on Saturdays. Fine with me,  cuz I dont really do much after work on Saturday. Just kinda wait for dinner.

My day to day seems pretty dumb, but my life is different than yours. You are as you have always been. You were once a kid who threw tantrums, and now you are more civilized. The imperfect you are still trapped in the same imperfect kid you once were. You have the ability to be more socially accepted,  but the fundamental version of you hasn't changed.

It basically means your heart cannot be content. A human heart yearns to chase after wind. My heart is much different. I am no longer the same kid who was shy, but still threw tantrums I am sure. I am not perfect,  but my heart has no use for wind. My heart stops me from even wanting to chase after it.

In that way I am cool with my day to day. I have no need for making a name for myself. No use matching myself vs. others to see how I stack up.

In the end we don't stack up against the World. That matters. Everything else doesn't. You cannot teach a creature of this World that however. Too much wind out there needs chasing.



Monday, June 5, 2017

Starting Another Week.

Good morning. I am up early for no reason really. I just had another weekend. It was pretty uneventful. I worked,  did some stuff, watered my veggies,  and I think that is about it. Nothing too important happening in my life. Just living out these days. Someday it will all end, and my time here will be over.

You hope you grab everything out of life you can. It seems to me life is the promise of the upcoming day, and there will be a meal. There will be sleep too.

It seems something important should happen right?  Something significant?  Nope. You looked at the World, and there are a lot of bells and whistles. You figured in yourself there must be something special, something unique.

The bells and whistles don't mean anything, and that is where you place value in yourself. Based on the promise of bells and whistles.

In the end life is filled with your days. Your days have labor, meals,  and sleep. The key to enjoying life is dependent on your heart's happiness. Being content I guess in our little life. Truth plays a part. Accepting the truth of our little life. Not pretending it is grander than it really is.

Anyway, one thing about me is there is nothing special of me. I haven't suffered so much I deserve anything. My heart isn't so special I am better than others.  The same can be said of you.

I know my truth. Not sure if you know yours. Who knows? 

Today I'll have a day.  I will grab out of it what is available. Labor, a meal, and sleep. There isn't anything more available in a day. That is all she wrote.

I am cool with that,  and I don't need a trophy to live my little life.

Cya.  :)

Saturday, June 3, 2017

Even This Gets Boring.

Good morning. I am fine. I'd ask how you are doing, but I don't care.  :)  I haven't done this in a bit. Slept a little late,  or didn't feel like it. Not sure.

I can tell you something I thought about yesterday. After work I took Hope for a walk. I was looking at the nice houses on South Shore. Big decks, access to water, etc...  what do you do with that?   No one was on their deck. Is boating even that fun?  The best you can hope for is to have a couple beers with friends. Maybe you have a basketball court in your house. You still only need a modest place to live. A place to enjoy the outside,  or to watch a movie,  tv, or read. A place to sleep, and a place to make a meal.

If people are enslaved to bigger and better that kinda sucks. You can have just as much fun in a modest house, and less rooms to clean. I decided I hated the lives lived by the people on South Shore. You gotta make a lot of money for those houses, and that is a slavery issue. One never has enough money.

Anyway. I thought of that. I fertilized my veggies,  and watered my seeds. Had a meal. Now I'll have another cup of coffee,  and take Hope.

Should be a day today.

Cya.  :)