Thursday, April 17, 2014

What In Life Can You Really Count On??

Hello, and good afternoon all.  I have been up a while contemplating whether to blog or not.  I used to do this a lot, and now I sure don't.  One of the things you really cannot count on. 

What else can you not count on, besides things that may have showed up on the bottom of this blog before.   ;)  

Stock market always rises is a favorite for those whose knowledge of History is like 20 years.  Hard work pays off??   I am sure some Enron employees were hard workers. 

Look at all the things you believe in your heart to be true.  Why do you believe it to be true??  Would you dare doubt EVERYTHING you believe??  Ya kinda have to if you want to learn. 

Our whole life is a poisoned learning experience.   What we learn really all our life, is teachings of "doctrine" the precepts of men and women.  Our learning is flawed, and so are we.  All this poisoned learning has put us on a destiny of unfulfilled expectations. 

For the straight people what are you supposed to do??  Get married have kids, get a job, and live happily ever after right?? 

What would some of the lessons of Noah teach us??  People were getting married having kids, doing their jobs, etc...   instead of listening to the weirdo making the ship.  

Just so you know. you would be the same way.   You would never ever go on that ship.   You have other shit to do.   More important stuff to do. 

See what I mean??  You think you know how life is supposed to be, but you don't, because your mind is clouded with the precepts of men and women.   Everyone has traveled the path you traveled.   You are no different than anyone else, except there is this crazy dude here, blogging and blogging and blogging.   Went through a hard life to learn a lot of things, because doing this is my job.  

One of the things I learned about this blog is the weakness of Humans.   The lack of faith in humans.   The shallow things we hold onto "pretending" our lives matter.  

We look at ourselves as one in a million when really we are just one of the many pebbles of sand on the beach.  

There is higher learning and higher teachings, but ya kinda gotta throw all the crap that is in you out.  Trust me, we are full of a lot too.  

The leaven that you grew up on is poison, and you just don't know it.  

One of the things you can count on is this blog when I do it sure is free, but not really is it??   Cuz if you read it than you know too much to deny it.  


Yeah.   That should scare you a bit I would think.  

Oh well.   I am outta here.  

Have a good one.   :)    xoxo

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

To See The World Through My Eyes...

Not exactly what I want to show you, but what is in my heart is in my heart.  For me to see how dumb this World is, and to see others trying to hold onto it is really one of the silliest things I have to deal with. 

So anyway who told you this life was good??  Who told you this World was good??  Who told you hard effort = a ticket to paradise??

Where do you get the truths you hold onto??  Handed down from Generation to Generation??  What rich white guy do you believe??

Why have this whole big World, and this whole life??  What is the point??  Especially if we are really supposed to be strong like those 12 who walked away from their life to follow the hippy dressed in a robe. 

Look at all you hold onto.  All your beliefs.  Where did they come from??  What makes you think it is true??  How much do you really know?? 

Does your main truth come from rich white slave owners best thoughts??  A lot of you yes. 

Are your heroes painted with false colors???   Yes. 

Do you see life for how it really is??   no. 

There is a truth out there, and it is not what you expect.   It isn't about peaches and cream, and flowers blowing in the wind, and ice cream with strawberries on top, and 2 old assholes sitting on a porch with their rocking chairs drinking lemonade spiked with Russian Vodka. 

The truth is ugly, and it is something that needs to be dealt with.  Life is hard, and life is miserable in ways, because this World is shit.   This life is shit.  The people are shit, and no one really gives a fuck, no matter what you say.  Society is whack, but people hold that to be the greatest good.  

The greatest good is beyond your reach.  The caring heart is beyond your reach.   The best a person can be is beyond your reach, and that is why steps need to be taken.   We must learn our place, and our worth.  

Our place is we really are not that good at all.  Overpowered by shit that is bad.   Our worth is sooooo much less than what you think, because somehow someway we have to be fabulous right??   RIGHT???   I mean what is the fucking point if we aren't?? 

The point is there are hidden paths that lead to better ways, but you kinda have to choose.   The World, and all you can get out of it, or the ways I speak.  

You did have the freedom of choice all along, you just didn't know what it meant.  You thought the road was easy, and you thought the path to strength,  confidence, had to start out with you being just that right??

Strength and confidence is given, and you have to go through hard times, because to see clearly is to see with good vision.  To see without horse shit fairy tale truths sucking whatever is worthwhile in your mind away. 

You want to look through my eyes??   Do you want to see how much I hate this fucking World, and the fabulous fucking people in it??  I doubt it. 

Why the change in me??  Why the change in this blog?? 

My heart is the way it is, because because because because....   Because of the night after I gave up. 

Welcome to the path where you cannot hang your hat on some type of salvation peg anywhere, because it is non-existent.  

There is no salvation peg.  There is only a journey to the truth, and you have to be willing to go on the ride.  

I mean you really should see you are not all you can be right??  I mean there has got to be a way for you to be a better person right??   Where you do more important things than whatever the fuck you do now.   Right?? 

Can I get an AMEN to that???


Sunday, April 13, 2014

I Could Blog, But You Won't Like What I Have To Say...

Hello, and good morning.  How's it going??  Me, I am doing okay.  So, as to my title.  What do I have to say that you won't like?? 

Oh, just the truth.  Things you don't want to deal with, and things you don't want to face. Things like this life does not matter.  All the crap you do to fill the day don't matter, no matter how fabulous you think it is. 

On this Earth there is nothing worth anything.  The only thing of any value is the coin that is made up of you, and you want to hold onto it.  You want to use everything that is in you to make some type of non-lasting name in this Earth. 

Follow the ways of Society.  Follow all the fairy tales you believe in your heart.   Follow all the propaganda.  I told you Joseph Heller had some important shit to say.  he said in a funny way life is stupid.  The powers that be are some of the most inane people you will ever meet.  The systems in place are flawed, and the people are flawed.

What makes you think people are not flawed??  Have you not seen people??  Have you not seen yourself.   There is no "good enough"  there is only one truth, and you don't want to face it. 

The truth that you and your life are messed up, because this has always been the best Humans can do. 

There is a way, and a truth and steps you must make.   Kinda gotta get over your self though.  

If only you could see what I see, and if only you knew what I knew. 

Oh well.   I have traveled a long ways in my life to get where I am, and funny my job is to help you along in ways, but you still trust you.   Do you see how fucked up we all are?? 

That is the best you want huh?? 


Thursday, April 10, 2014

Some Days This Is Hard...

Hello, and good afternoon all.  How's it going??  Some days doing this thing is hard.  I have absolutely nothing on my mind right now.  I have been up a while tinkering around on my phone.  Playing silly little games and whatnot.  I have had two cups of coffee, and actually am thinking of making a 3rd.  Went down pretty well.  I typically am a one cup of coffee person, but today, maybe I will go all out. 

So, anyway, let me just leave you hanging a bit.   Gotta go make that coffee.  :)

Okay, I am back.  Soooooo, what is going on with me?? Not too much.  It is Spring Break around here, so I guess the local grocer is pretty slow during this time.   Last night at work was probably one of the easiest nights I will ever have.   I left a little before 5:00 AM I think.  I came home, and ate a bit of leftover KFC, and slept really good.   I was kinda tired when I got home.

Lisa, and I got most of the yard work done yesterday.  Just have some stuff in the back to bring to the road.  City picks up all that crap next week sometime.  It is like we are all ready for Spring now, and temps have really gotten pretty nice.   Yesterday was sunny, and close to 60.

So anyway in life we all have these ideas.   Ideas of how life is supposed to be.  How we are "supposed" to be.  Our belief systems really many times are very shallow.   All the things we trust are all the things we see in this World.   What we read, and what people have told us.   We justify our lives, and our actions, and rarely do we ever get a glimpse into our hearts.

If you could look inside your heart, what are you missing??   What about life is not all it is cracked up to be for you??

Do you need more money??  Less Bills??   What is it about us that makes much of life boring??

What is missing in your life??  Why are you not content??

It is the same old story with this blog here.   I haven't changed.  I do what I do.  Oh in life you can tweak all kinds of stuff, but at the end of the day you want to be happy and content I would say.

I can almost see inside your hearts kinda.   Something is missing huh??  

You definitely are not all you can be, but how do you get to all you can be??

Ahhhh, if only someone had a blog to help explain that kinda stuff.   Wouldn't that be sweet??


Oh well.   I got some shit to do.

I'll see you later.

Have a good one.   :)   xoxo

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

I've Been Out Of It...

Hello, and good morning.  How's it going?? Me, I guess I am doing okay.  I am out of it a bit, and have been for a little bit.   Not feeling as spry as I usually do.  Not sure all the reasons, but I can typically always count on myself feeling a certain way.  I have a routine, and it typically works okay for me, but now it hasn't been.   I haven't felt all that great this past weekend. 

So today I will change my routine.   Maybe add a little rest, and maybe a little more productivity outside of work too.   ;)   I sometimes wish in ways I would be a better husband in ways like that, but sometimes I am just bored with everything. 

Nothing really too too much has changed with me.   I still have my knee issues, and last night at work I could feel it, because I ran yesterday morning.   I will feel it tonight even though I probably won't run.  I will probably bike though. 

You want to know what I have been holding onto forever??  Posts like yesterday.   I was thinking about why do I do posts like that.  Why do I show you the inside of me, when I know the inside of me is not a good thing to look at. 

You know my life went on in a certain direction.  It was pretty normal'ish looking on the outside although very different on the inside.   I knew things I never told people, but my life had goals, and I wanted to accomplish stuff kinda.   Everything changed after My Journey blog, and the start of this one here.  I did my thing at the end of the journey, and really all was good.  I always have this dark cloud kinda, about the final thing I must do, but that is a good thing.   A thing leading in a good direction.  The only thing different about me now is after overcoming for the second time I learned my place.

I don't matter.   I don't have a redeeming quality.  I am being led on this path, and I never really deserved anything.   I am not some noble person who was picked out because I am special.   I learned thorough my ordeals my true worth.  Yet to this day as I walk this Earth I am only worth one coin.   One life, doing silly little things, and writing silly little blogs.  I guess there is some important stuff in here, but still your life is your life, and your walk is your walk, and I've laid out some information it took me a lot of time, a lot of life, and a lot of suffering to learn. 

I am different than all of you, and I have been made this way.  I am open, and I am visible, I can be seen at all times, and I know and feel I can be seen.   Sometimes I get taken down a not so good road, and sometimes it is from reading some not so good stuff.  

I put a lot of trust in people.   I trust them to be strong, and to brace themselves for the hard lessons in life.   I ask them to not shy away from the tough lessons, because in life above all you are asked to be strong.   Life has a bunch of crap to it, and there is no hiding from it. 

I know I say things like life doesn't matter, and all our activities matter not one bit in the grand scheme of things, because I know these things to be true. 

To look inside me is to see someone who believes life would have been better not to have been lived, but I am here.  Doing what I do.   I try not to show you all that is inside me, because it is my cross to bear so to speak.  (not really sure the spelling of bare, bear??)

There is a story going on, and it is a story of the ages, and it will be done, but the path is not always visible, and most times you cannot see it at all I bet.   A tough road for many of us, because it is a path to make us all strong, and many of the things you cannot yet fathom or understand. 

Sometimes I think why me??  Why am I this crazy way, and the answer is in this blog.   For no reason at all. 

Oh well,   I guess that is it for today.   I hope I feel more my normal'ish self soon.   I think after a nice honest days labor tonight at work usually does the trick.  

See you all.   :)   xoxo

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

The Worst Inside Us...

Hello, and good morning.  How's it going??  Me, I am so so.  There are a lot of things out in the World, and none of it is really any good.  None of it means anything.  There is no significance to all the efforts put out there.   You won't make the World a better place.   You won't make any difference to anything at all, and that is hard for you to accept.  It is the truth, and the truth like I said soooo many times, and for soooo many YEARS is the hardest thing YOU will ever do. 

You gotta hold on though don't you.  You gotta hold onto the World, because it is all YOU know.  Your life has to mean something right??  There has to be some good right??  This shit is for a reason right?? 

Well, unfortunately all life is pretty pointless.   A mass mixture of various types of suffering, and selfish deeds, and infinite justifications, and false beliefs, and false truths, and all kindsa crap like that.   I mean if you could boil life down to one thing, wouldn't you want to make YOU the best person you could be??

What would you do??  Go out and make a lot of $$$??  Put forth effort so much you throw up all over the place, because throwing up is your bodies way of telling you that you are doing healthy stuff right?? 

Somehow someway you want to prove that you matter huh??  Your life matters.  You are smart, and you know how to make this World a better place, and you hold onto false truths, and false paths, because anything else is scary right?? 

Isn't that what trust is all about??? 

What answers do you have??  What path are you taking that is going to make you the best a person can be?? 

You don't want any of that do you.   You want you, and you want this World, and you want to see what type of mark YOU can make no matter the consequences?? 

The worst that is inside us is the parts that have the answers.   The parts that "know" our direction and our destination.   The parts that "think" we must be fabulous somehow.   The worst that is inside us is Everything.   Why??  We all are one big lie.   We don't recognize all the bad stuff inside us, but always trying to show our self-perceived good side, with our infinite ability to justify damn near anything.  

I ask and ask and ask, when are you going to be strong enough to overcome you??  When will you see your life for how it really is??

When will you finally agree I am not the best a person can be, and really I wouldn't even know how to achieve that?? 

When will you finally in all your weakness become strong?? 

That is what I'd like to know.   I really don't want to read about the other B.S.   It is all false and lies, and worthless.  

Truth is a bitch like I said, and none want to look at it, or accept it.  Really the truth seemingly is about the last thing you want to deal with.   You would rather hold onto some type of false fabulous crap. 


Sunday, April 6, 2014

What Is In A Life??

Hello, and good morning all.  How's it going??  Me, I guess I am doing okay.  My day yesterday was out of whack.  I didn't sleep enough after work.  I wanted to make Lisa a nice dinner to celebrate her new job.  I made ribs.  I had some wine and fell asleep early.  That is the problem with not getting enough sleep.  I know I'll be sleeping early.  I guess it is okay, because I wasn't going to do anything anyway. 

So what is in a life??  To where I am now I get frustrated easy I think.  There isn't much in a life, and that is a hard thing to accept really.  I mean it is a big World out there, and there is a lot of color, and there are trees, and things, and flowers, and blue skies, and blue water, and green grass. 

You would think there is something good out there huh, with all that out there.   Throughout all of History people had to make a decision.  Do what felt right in their heart, or do whatever the people in charge wanted us to do.  That is what life a lot of times boils down to.  A choice.  Many times we trust the people in charge too, but they are just people.  As imperfect as you and me.   Motives are not always clear.  Society is an imperfect entity.  It is here really to ensnare and enslave us basically.  Do this, and do that.  Our Corporate overlords put fear into their employees.  As an hourly person it really has no bearing on anything, but to those in charge.  In management positions they typically will side with their corporate overlords, as opposed to what is decent and right.   Enslaved to their jobs.   Why??  You lose your job you lose your house, and stuff right??

People really should never use the word freedom in any sense, because that is the last thing you have.   Nope, you have to go out and as much as possible make sure all your i's are dotted, and t's are crossed, because what may happen.

So, as I say what is in a life??   Well, death is a certainty.  You won't escape that.   Death is hard for us to see though.   We have our life, and why do we think we will live forever??

I've gone on and on with this here blog.   It, and a couple others have been around for years.  What is in a life??  Let's look at mine.  There is nothing here.   I grew up.  It was mostly a normal'ish life with all kinds of imperfections.   A little boy growing up, and trying to do what was right.  As a young man I had to learn the balance between work and play.  So I did all that Society asked of me, and my life made a big turn.  So I go on and do this crazy stuff that no one saw but me, and the maker of my path.  I survive the night of the Hospital only to suffer a bit more, until the energy came back.   My work was done.  I knew I had other stuff to do, but it was going to be later.  I didn't know it was going to be like 17 years later.

So anyway I start up Heimleblog and I was heavy into training.  I swam 3-4 times/week only to have such bad form I am guessing I cannot swim anymore.   I rode my bike a lot, and was always training for distance.  Running Hills, and trails, and wherever and whenever.   Always trying to stay healthy.

Anyway I ran a few marathons, and had a living trail of my endeavors with my blogs.   My life wasn't always easy, as I had to suffer some stuff along the way.   Take stuff from others.  Sometimes I even took the worst parts of others, and I think that was so they could get a clearer picture of their life.   Our demons inside us hide real life from us.   It often takes serious things like a death to put things in proper perspective.  

So anyway I have done all these things, and if this here blog the wait is any indication of anything, it is life doesn't mean anything.   We really are not in charge of anything at all.  My blog had a purpose, and it meant something, but it fell on deaf ears.   No one would listen, and no one would pay attention, even though I put a lot of time into it.  I am not really all that mad about it, because Most days I felt like doing it.   These days I wake up, and many times I really don't care.

I don't care about anything I have to write, and I don't care if anyone reads it, because it is a quid pro quo in a way, and so far it has only gone one way.  

People have their own lives, and you have to live it, but you will be pulled.  Not by me either, because there is a story going on.  It isn't your story, and you are not the author of the story.   You remain blind though, because you want to hang onto you.

Deep down I think we all want to be happy, and we want to matter, and we want to make a difference.   There only is one way for that.   Always has been and always will.   Oh, I know the History books will paint great pictures of all the great deeds people have done, but History books are painted with false brushes, and false colors.   Howard Zinn is closest to the truth, but no one wants to look at the truth.   I guess it is too scary.  Why??  It means everything we ever believed in is wrong.   We have been wrong our whole life.

Yeah,   Did that crap a long time ago.  

What is in a life??  A lot of imperfection.   Most people don't want to show that stuff, because aren't we supposed to be "this type" of person??  Many people only want to try and show the self-perceived attributes that they believe will be respected.

Well truth is respected, and that is what being tough is all about.  The truth ain't about being perfect.   It is about all the ways we fail in life.   You know the stuff we want everyone not to know. 

So anyway, I guess this is long winded. 

So I will say goodbye for now.  

We are going to see a movie.  The new Captain America.  I am going to take the Hopester for a little run.   I am basically just a 3 mile runner here and there.   After my runs I typically struggle bending at work later in the night.  :)  No biggie.  


Thursday, April 3, 2014

Wow, I Sure Don't Do This Thing Too Much...

Hello, and good morning all.  How's it going??  Me, I am doing pretty good.   I am up early today.  I needed some time to catch up on my sleep, as I was working a lot.   Spent a little time on Opening day to watch baseball instead of napping, and the next day I had to go to court, so I was running on like 4 hours of sleep in 2+ days.  Actually I surprisingly felt pretty good.   The two hours I slept before working the other night held me over. 

So what are some things about me??  Some things about me is life is a crazy thing.   People are some of the craziest people you have ever met.  They get themselves tied up into various groups.  People with similar interests and stuff,  and think they must be good.   I am a part of this group, so we are cool. 

The World is full of groups.   As little as the chess club to as big as Society.  Not one of them actually mean a damn thing.  You don't go to judgement day saying I belonged to such and such group.  You will wear no badges of honor.   You don't bring your bank statements.  You don't bring trophies, or letters of recommendation.   Nope, you stand like Adam before the fall.  Naked of everything.   All your accomplishments, and plaques hanging on the wall saying you are accredited to do this stupid shit mean nothing at all. 

So, when you throw all the shit YOU fucking hang onto, what is your life worth??  What part of your life is significant??  What important things have you done??

I am here to tell you nothing.  You haven't, and you won't do anything that is important.   Oh there are things that need to be done, but you don't know what they are.   You cannot do them, because it isn't your story.   You are all tied up and wrapped in making your own Goddamned story though aren't you??  You gotta be fucking fabulous somehow right??  In some way you have got to be the shit right??

I am calling B.S.  None of us are.   We are all a bunch of gross humans, who do more shitting and pissing than anything else really.   We sure do wear fabulous clothes though don't we.  Doesn't that hide how stupid we all look?? 

Life does matter, and it is significant, but not in the ways you think.  You go out and make a white picket fence it doesn't matter one bit.  

I could go on and on, but you people don't get it.   You wanna believe in this life, and stuff.   I see people like to quote dead people a lot.  Why??  What the fuck did that person do??  He is dead, how fucking smart can he be?  This World is still a shit hole, what fucking good did that person do?

You all want to make some type of sacrifice to show your worth, and your sacrifices are as meaningless as the shit you do to fill up your time of day. 

So when are you going to be strong enough to look at the truth??   When are you going to finally accept the truth??  When do you stop holding on to all that is pointless and worthless??  I ask, because I am getting tired, and bored. 

What happens if I get tired and bored of you??