Wednesday, April 9, 2014

I've Been Out Of It...

Hello, and good morning.  How's it going?? Me, I guess I am doing okay.  I am out of it a bit, and have been for a little bit.   Not feeling as spry as I usually do.  Not sure all the reasons, but I can typically always count on myself feeling a certain way.  I have a routine, and it typically works okay for me, but now it hasn't been.   I haven't felt all that great this past weekend. 

So today I will change my routine.   Maybe add a little rest, and maybe a little more productivity outside of work too.   ;)   I sometimes wish in ways I would be a better husband in ways like that, but sometimes I am just bored with everything. 

Nothing really too too much has changed with me.   I still have my knee issues, and last night at work I could feel it, because I ran yesterday morning.   I will feel it tonight even though I probably won't run.  I will probably bike though. 

You want to know what I have been holding onto forever??  Posts like yesterday.   I was thinking about why do I do posts like that.  Why do I show you the inside of me, when I know the inside of me is not a good thing to look at. 

You know my life went on in a certain direction.  It was pretty normal'ish looking on the outside although very different on the inside.   I knew things I never told people, but my life had goals, and I wanted to accomplish stuff kinda.   Everything changed after My Journey blog, and the start of this one here.  I did my thing at the end of the journey, and really all was good.  I always have this dark cloud kinda, about the final thing I must do, but that is a good thing.   A thing leading in a good direction.  The only thing different about me now is after overcoming for the second time I learned my place.

I don't matter.   I don't have a redeeming quality.  I am being led on this path, and I never really deserved anything.   I am not some noble person who was picked out because I am special.   I learned thorough my ordeals my true worth.  Yet to this day as I walk this Earth I am only worth one coin.   One life, doing silly little things, and writing silly little blogs.  I guess there is some important stuff in here, but still your life is your life, and your walk is your walk, and I've laid out some information it took me a lot of time, a lot of life, and a lot of suffering to learn. 

I am different than all of you, and I have been made this way.  I am open, and I am visible, I can be seen at all times, and I know and feel I can be seen.   Sometimes I get taken down a not so good road, and sometimes it is from reading some not so good stuff.  

I put a lot of trust in people.   I trust them to be strong, and to brace themselves for the hard lessons in life.   I ask them to not shy away from the tough lessons, because in life above all you are asked to be strong.   Life has a bunch of crap to it, and there is no hiding from it. 

I know I say things like life doesn't matter, and all our activities matter not one bit in the grand scheme of things, because I know these things to be true. 

To look inside me is to see someone who believes life would have been better not to have been lived, but I am here.  Doing what I do.   I try not to show you all that is inside me, because it is my cross to bear so to speak.  (not really sure the spelling of bare, bear??)

There is a story going on, and it is a story of the ages, and it will be done, but the path is not always visible, and most times you cannot see it at all I bet.   A tough road for many of us, because it is a path to make us all strong, and many of the things you cannot yet fathom or understand. 

Sometimes I think why me??  Why am I this crazy way, and the answer is in this blog.   For no reason at all. 

Oh well,   I guess that is it for today.   I hope I feel more my normal'ish self soon.   I think after a nice honest days labor tonight at work usually does the trick.  

See you all.   :)   xoxo

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