So, I Turned On The TV

Good morning. How's it going?  I am okay. We got our couch and bed yesterday. Our window was between 2 and 5:00. They got here around 5:00.  :)

While waiting I didn't do anything. It seems there was some Supreme Court stuff going on, so I turned on the tv. I could only stomach it for about a half hour, and turned it off.

I didn't see the girl speak,  and I did see the guy speak for a bit. So as of right now I don't know the guy or girl. Not one bit.

I do know guys. Guys of HS age with alcohol in their system is not the best match in the World. Guys my age with alcohol in their system isn't a great match. You probably don't really want to know  the truth about guys. We can dress up, and play nice,  but I'd say that thing between our legs sure has a mind of its own.

You put my life up for screening in front of the tv, and you'll see a lot of B.S.  I didn't rape anyone, and I didn't do anything illegal, but I am guilty of letting that thing between my legs guide me. It's just me too.  I am kinda normal'ish. I know no guys are Saints. If our whole life was viewed by others it really would be a trip. What porn did we watch? Who did we  fantasize over, and how many times?  99% of the shit we fantasized about is hidden from all sight except our own kinda. Not really though either, cuz all is known about our deeds and thoughts.

It might not make it to the tv, but it is known. Just not by people.  I will not throw my hat in the ring for anyone,  cuz I don't know them. Guys I kinda know, and we are disgusting. Unable to control ourselves either. We can keep ourselves respectable, but if people knew the shit we think about, and how often they'd be surprised.  HS boys forget about it.  A goddamn walking boner is what they are.  Add alcohol to the mix=yikes.

So no one is a Saint. You cannot even play one on tv. What's it mean?  I got my day to day. I am not a Saint. I've posted here, and previous blogs things I did I was ashamed of. The person I really wanted to be is out of reach. Still to this day,  but it won't be this way forever.  Honestly too I have no clue how the final version of me will be. I don't know that person very well/at all. I know me, and this guy ain't no Saint.  I know what side of the line I am on in that regard.  I know what side you are on too.

In that regard I guess I know you better than you do.

I'll have another day, cuz it is my reward for my labor to date. 

Laterzzz.   :)

xoxo.    :)

xxoo.   :)

The newsy people still have no affect over my life.

Time Does This Strange Thing.

Time just keeps moving. Just yesterday I woke up,  and did this thing. Now look, that day is over,  and once again I am up doing this thing. Pretty crazy. My days look alike a lot of times.

For one thing I don't have anything to really worry about, so I just do this day to day thing. I was kinda tired yesterday. It was Wednesday so I had to work out. After I thought I'd take a nap, cuz we were going to go shopping. One of the major furniture stores by us sent us a flyer for an end of the fiscal year sale. I decided to not nap. Typically I never nap.

I guess it ended up being a pretty good day. Glad I got my workout in. I won't be able to Friday, cuz I got a plumber coming out Friday after work. We want to run a gas line to our breezeway. It won't be simple,  cuz of walls, and floors and stuff.  They have that flexible yellow/gold stuff they have now though.

I assume all contractors are stupid busy in Holland, but Google found me someone. All licensed and insured. I think it's a big company with many contractors at their disposal.

A new bed, and couch gets delivered today. They are taking our old one for only $20 too. So a day was had, and I got some stuff done. Stuff that will just make me busy the next two days. It's all fine.

So what else is going on?  Not much. Just living out my day to day. I really am pretty lucky to live a pretty simple life. Not much to concern myself with. 

I gather the news people are still talking about newsy stuff. I don't pay attention. Where I work out they have tvs on. I see newsy people are all dressed up in suits and stuff. There are experts in any number of fields. Can you think of anything more useless than being an expert in some area that has you dressing up in a suit, and talking about some shit going on in society?  Also can you imagine how important these people think they are? 

It seems to me people have their sides. Their side is right,  and no one really can hear anything else. I hear nothing, and care not about any side.

I have a day to day to live. The suit wearers do not come into my thoughts unless I see them on the tv. I typically at that point think they seem pretty dumb. Of course the sound isn't on,  so they have ample opportunity to seem even dumber.

So today is a day. I got shit to do. There will be a meal at some point, and sleep at some point. An existence that is pretty straightforward,  and simple.

So, I guess I'll get it started. 

Laterzzz.    :)

xoxo.    :)

xxoo.    :)

A New Day.

In the morning is a good time I guess to take inventory. Did I do anything stupid yesterday?  Probably, I do almost every day. How do I feel?  Pretty good. I feel like I want to do stuff today after work too, so that's good.

The rain psyched me out yesterday. I was ready to bike to work, but it started raining. It looked pretty shitty all day too, so I had nothing I wanted to do. I checked for movies too, and they already started. The weather was warm, so I chilled for a couple hours.  Most of the day highs are in the 60°s as far as the eye can see.

Yesterday was an okay day I guess. In life there probably is  pressure to be cool.  A cool meter I spose.  You listen to Nirvana, and Pearl Jam, and whatever. I like other shit too. I like soft rock.  I feel it brings back memories of maybe the tougher times.  The things that made us sad are like canker sores.   It hurts to touch it, but our tongue can't stay away.

My life has been gone through with a fine tooth comb. There is nothing I am sad about. I don't miss anything or anyone. I can stand comfortably on my own two feet, and I am fine with it.

I guess I am kinda indifferent about life.  It's just something we are doing. We'll be gone before long. Enjoy your time while your here I'd say, but that is easier said than done.

You have to ask and answer the tough questions.  Does your life matter? By all means no it doesn't matter.  Can you accept it?  Are you special?  No, not at all.  No one is. An ending of 6' under is everyone's final act, and I don't give one flying fuck what you did, the most time you will spend is with the worms. 

A happy heart is one that is fine with their lot in this wilderness. That isn't easy either.  Back in heimle blog days I entered the wilderness again,  and I gave up.  I couldn't go back there again. I cursed God for my life.  I was pissed for having to live this stupid thing.  In a vision my spiritual heart was taken that night.  Fast forward a decade or so, and I find myself in the wilderness again.  This time i am more than happy to be here.  No biggie.  My heart is fine with it.  I accept my little place in this World with the full understanding I do not matter. I am cool with it. On my own I hate this place. (The wilderness) With help it's all good.   

We all are born with a false view of life.  Taught false values of everything.  As we live the truth is nowhere near. You've lived a lie. Everything seems so easy to me now, cuz I am way far removed from how you are.  If you recall before I hated how hard my life was.  It was such a struggle.  So much suffering. So much hidden suffering, and now it doesn't matter.  In a scale of importance I am not much better off than the worms.  Cool by me. 

This life is dumb, and I can say that with a happy heart. 

Anyhoo,  guess I'll call it there. 

Have fun.   :)

xoxo.    :)

Luv Ya's.    :)

xxoo.    :)

MWAH.    :)

Lols.    :)

Laterzzz.     :)

Life Goes On.

Good morning. How's it going?  I am fine. It's been a few days. I haven't been super hugely busy, but I have slept in a bit the last couple days. We had a few errands to run yesterday. Our will was like 20 years old, so we are getting that redone. I think my brother Jim was our executor possibly,  and he's dead. Hailey isn't 6 anymore either. So our current will is pretty stupid.

We also were going to get our house insurance looked at. That too hasn't changed in 20 years. Due to a scheduling conflict we rescheduled that for next Monday. I also got my Dad on our phone plan. His phone coverage sucked, and didn't work, and it was cheap to add him. Yesterday I made lasagna for dinner. Also in a super miracle, I got all my laundry done, folded,  and put away.

That is about it. I got my workout in too. I don't really ever want to miss those. It takes me like 45 minutes to get through it.

This weekend I worked on the garage some, and for some strange reason I was tired. Sunday I just chilled before work. I am ready to start another week. In two weeks I'll be on vacation. Pretty excited about that. Just to get away for a bit. I am sure I will be ready to get back to my routine soon after.

So yeah, life goes on. Another day here turns into another day gone. I got some projects that still need finishing up. I have enough to keep me busy. Life in general is fine. I am not too stressed about anything. Not much for me to worry about.  I am not anxious about anything. As I am doing this I am already excited for another day. Work, do stuff, eat, sleep.

There really isn't much on my mind to be honest. My life is pretty uneventful. I am not anxious at all about the future. I don't need anything about my life to be manipulated to help assure my later years. My later years have been assured for a long time. Whether I was to be rich or poor I didn't really care. It's not anything I ever had to worry about. I guess no matter what I would always work, so I could live fine. Things changed a bit over the last year, where finances really aren't a concern. Less concern than the near zero concern I had before I guess.

I guess a simple life is the best course of action. You find you need less stuff. For me it's a day of labor, and a meal. Sitting on a beach somewhere is about the last thing I'd enjoy.  I can sit in my front or back yard and be content. I guess I have no visions of what the good life is,  cuz my heart is content in things,  and that is what the good life is. Not having any concerns for the future is also what the good life is. I suspect those we are not able to create on our own. I know I currently am not how I would have been without my story.

Anyways, I guess that's good. 

Laterzzz.    :)

xoxo.    :)

xxoo.     :)

Pretty dumb update probably,  but I don't care.   :) 

Tuberculosis, And Other Fun Things To Look For On Your Days Off.

Good morning. How's it going?  Me, I am fine. Yesterday I had to cut my run short due to rain. Well not rain really,  but the lightning that came with it. Then it poured, then it stopped. I checked the weather, and it seemed I should be fine to bike. During the day it got real dark, so I cursed Google weather, but it was fine biking home.

We got our shingles in yesterday,
Aka circular tiles. I went and got the stain for it, and a few other things. The stain was on sale. The gallon was ONLY $47!!??!!!@#@    I am sure Lisa told me that when she bought the first gallon a million years ago, but I didn't remember. It will be nice to finish up this project.

Other than that not much. Work was fine, I slept good last night. It is Friday,  so I will stain when I get home. It's why I bought the stain. I hate running errands, but I bit the bullet yesterday. It was a good thing I did too, cuz we were out of olive oil, and our local lumberyard luckily sells olive oil. A big bottle at a cheap price. I didn't see any bags of onions though. I know our local lumberyard once sold onions.

Hmmmm, not really a lot on my mind. Today is a day, I'll live it. It should be fine. I'll go to bed early, cuz I work at 5:00 AM tomorrow. Usually I like to see a movie after work Saturday,  but weather permitting I'll finish the garage. We'll snap the lines today, so it should go smooth, outside climbing the ladder a million times.

I guess things are going okay. My days are busy. I never ever approach getting the things done I want when I am writing this thing in the morning. At 100%, I got a lot on my mind of things I'd like to do. I never come home 100% after work,  and also I love downtime too as much as anyone. 

As I think about myself I guess I wake up this way most days. Ready and raring to go. It's so natural for me, and I guess it is very lucky to be this way. It's like I nailed the sleep, work, relax balance in life. My heart just pretty much does what it wants. I like work,  sleep both in good amounts. Chill time too. I am just lucky typically I am ready to go to start my day. It's a good thing to be this way, but I can't take credit for it. I am different than the person who was born in this World. Everything about me is different than who I would have been if I didn't take the steps I did back in the day.

It would be wise not to try and emulate me, cuz I couldn't if I was the same person who was born here. That for sure is nothing you can understand,  and something I can't  explain clearly to you.

I really wonder what goes through people's minds sometimes.  I can't imagine how confusing life must seem. I suspect how you are now you don't think much can change. It can,  but not in your power. I can't help take you to the place of change either. That happens only when you get a clear look at yourself. When you see a person who really isn't that great, and powerless to make you as good as you'd like to be, I'd say you are on the right track. If you try to shove in your mind things like you are special, and unique, and whatever, then that is a bad path. The truth is hard,  cuz your heart battles against it. Your heart seeks out stages for a picnic. The truth looks closer, and it won't see much pretty stuff if any.

Anyways,  guess I better finish my coffee.

Laterzzz.   :)

xoxo.    :)

xxoo.    :)

Back To Your Regular Scheduled Program.

Good morning. How's it going?  I am fine. Yesterday went okay. Nothing too crazy. I think I'll keep my Wednesday workouts as my easy day. Easy means 3 sets of everything instead of 4. If I feel good on Monday and Friday I'll do 4. The weather threw me off yesterday. I think I was psyched out it was going to rain, so I didn't do shit after I got home. I kinda didn't want to either. It was perfect weather after work too, and it looked like shit earlier. I am not sure what today will look like.

On the other hand it is how my life is anyway. If I don't wanna do shit when I get home i don't have to. There isn't really anything I have too pressing. I don't have any responsibilities either. That being said I think my day is more successful if I do some shit around the house after work. I added an hour detour on Monday,  Wednesday, and Friday however.

Other than that not much going on. One hard part of life is you don't always feel the same after work as before. You start out the day at 100%, and after work with 10-15 miles on your feet you are down from 100%.  I find if I start a project though my mind can flip a switch that basically takes fatigue away. Kinda an inertia thing. Once you start your body keeps going. I think I know this,  but sometimes I lack discipline.

Let's see, anything else going on? Nope, what you see is what you get. A guy with a life. It's pretty simple, and probably not very entertaining. It is filled with normal shit most people have. I know the truth of this life however. We kinda want it to mean something,  but it doesn't. We aren't doing any good deeds of anything important. We come from imperfect families,  and that will never change. I think one assumption is the older we get the better we get. Like we develop better attributes, but not really. The problem with us is our hearts aren't very good,  and we cannot really improve them. You can't fake that shit either.

I think that is one thing I know to be true. If that is true then what's our purpose here?  There is no purpose. You basically accidentally were born here. You try and make sense of it, like why?  Can I make a difference?  The day to day nonsense in this World means nothing. 0 x anything still equals 0, so all activities trying to accumulate points still equals 0. You can't make value where there is none.

Then you have the problem people can't accept this fact so they pound  a square peg into a round hole, and the finished product still is zero points. There are no Saints around you, and you didn't miraculously create one.

So the only available avenue is to dress things up. Why would we do that?  Cuz the truth seems too hard. Too sad. How can happiness be achieved if our lives actually mean nothing?  Just cuz you can't imagine it doesn't make it impossible. What is impossible is to find meaning in our lives in this World. Few ever grasped that truth though. Unknowingly I took that path to learn this stuff. I was really given no warning either.

In the end everything turned out fine. I blindly followed along, and everything came out fine. It was totally worth it. To grab my little spot of insignificance with an upbeat heart. The truth is hard cuz it means you don't matter. How can you turn that into happy?  I guess happy happens when your heart isn't filled with fairy tales, and everything else that is  untrue. It makes everything pretty easy. No more striving after wind.

Anyway, I gotta go.

Laterzzz.    :)

xoxo.   :)

xxoo.    :)

Let It Rain.

Good morning. How's it going?  Me, I am fine. Yesterday was a pretty normal day for me. I did a few things, made a simple dinner etc...  We got our gutters up, so I am ready for rain. Not so much though, cuz our circular tiles might be here today.

I guess I am glad I have a few projects still to do. Ideally I'd like to work a couple hours after work, and then chill. I think I've done better at that this year compared to years in the past.  So that's good.

Not much else really going on. Today is another day. It's Wednesday so it's a work out day. I'll run before work, and that's about it.

I was pretty irritated a couple days back. It happens. It's good sometimes in a way, cuz I can clearly see i am kinda a dick. It is one of the things I guess I noticed. In my mind I guess I thought people should be nice, considerate etc...  you learn about people though,  and who can be?

I also know I searched for Saint attributes in people. Is there someone I should try to emulate?  Try to be more like them. My wilderness days taught me the folly of that thinking. There definitely are no Saints. No one has the ability. I saw clearly how fake the World dresses everything up. The World in all its glory does not lead to happiness,  cuz it all is fake B.S. 

I remember clearly seeing walking by a park in Normal,  IL picnic tables and such. There may have been a picnic going on, I don't remember. I remember thinking what fake B.S. something like that is. Here I am being persecuted 24/7. Learning what the wilderness could teach. When dealing with condemnation everything seems so stupid. You can clearly see there are no points in stupid shit like that. I at this time was already mostly spirit, so it was with good vision I saw zero redeeming qualities in myself.

The truth was my friend so it was easy to accept this about me. The truth leads in a better direction than any falsehood.  The World is all false so, what are you going to get from it? 

Even to this day I see clearly what the World is. It is the wilderness,  but it dresses itself up,  so no one can see the truth. No good deeds are being done in this place. Our hearts aren't perfect, so it is easy for us to be assholes. You want to seek out the good in the World, and those with Saintly attributes I can help shorten the search. It isn't here. You are in the wrong place to find that.

Do you ever look in your heart, and wonder why you aren't a better person?  You can't fix it that's why. There are no exercises,  sacrifices, disciplines,  anything to make hearts better. Yeah you have thumbs,  congratulations. You were smart enough to be born with those. You were also born into a World where money is placed in such high importance. You can't make your hearts better though.

People know that about themself too, so they hide. We cannot show others our yucky insides.

Anyway, I guess I better get going.

Laterzzz.    :)

xoxo.    :)

xxoo.    :)

The Things We Do, We Shouldn't.

So last night I went to sleep early, but I woke up, and stayed up watching the Bears. I never stay up for MNF. Oh well. It looked to be a game against two teams who won't be going to the playoffs.  I feel the Bears are a team who will give up a big play on defense in a tight game, and will not make a big play on offense in a tight game. Luckily I won't have to watch any more of their games. I can just check scores like I do with other sports.

Yesterday did not go as planned. For one after I worked out I realized I was tired. Not a big deal,  cuz I didn't have much to do. Lisa went out with a friend for lunch, so I decided to can the rest of my tomatoes. I got 5 more quarts.

My BIL stopped by, so we were talking, and then my Dad butted in the conversation, and he was annoying. He is like a guy who is losing his faculties,  so he repeats shit over and over that is tired statements to one who isn't that smart. He wants some level of respect for what he considers to be his genius knowledge of who knows what.

I got annoyed, and realized I don't like old people.  They are all fucking geniuses in their own mind, and I just don't have time.

Life sure is ugly. How we treat old people is a reflection of us?  I don't like old people. They watch too much t.v.,  and maybe that is the failure of the post WWII generation. All of a sudden the war was over. Things settled down. People made money, retired,  moved to suburbs. I think maybe what's wrong with people is they have all the answers. I don't know, my Dad threw me off. He'll die one day, and that is just how it will be. I won't shed any tears,  cuz that is his end, and I think I've seen too much death, and my heart is calloused.

You can't really put me in a good light I don't think. A Saint I am not, and I guess everyone wants to be seen as one. None of us are Saints. Our hearts just aren't as good as we think they should be. I tend to think people try to play the part anyway. No Oscars will be given to those who try that.

On the bright side, I don't feel really tired even though I stayed up, and watched the game. I have time to get a run in. I get to work, and back to my routine. Our gutters get put up today. I totally am addicted to my routine I suppose. I know people probably can't understand that about me, just as I don't really understand how people like a lot of time off.

Inside my heart I am not angry anymore. I am just never really excited to hear what may come out of my Dad's mouth. I know  it won't be useful.

Today though I will work,  and eat a meal. I may just pull up my tomatoe plants too. We'll see.

I'll see you around. 

Have fun.   :)

Sorry, I am not the nicest guy.   :)

Laterzzz.    :)

xoxo.    :)

xxoo.   :)

A Day Off.

Good morning. How's it going?  I am fine. I actually slept pretty good last night. Not the whole night,  but 2-1/2 hours dead sleep starting at 6:00 AM. That is a good start to the week. Being ahead on the sleep thing.

The main thing I do on Sundays is drop donuts from a hopper. Sour cream donuts come out the same each time. Cake donuts are crazy. They don't come out consistent all the time for me. It's pretty annoying. It's just a hopper. Everything should always come out the same. It's really frustrating,  cuz you don't want to be a liability at work. As far as I can tell it is my main weakness. I think typically everything else I do is fine.

Anyway. Not much else going on with me. I am canning the last of my tomatoes today. I'll probably get 4-6 more bottles. I have to work out too, and that is about it. I am totally stoked about getting our gutters up tomorrow. I get my circular tiles late this week, early next week. I'll need like 40 pieces to finish above the garage. So it's been a busy year. We definitely got a lot done.

I don't know what next year has in store. More of the same is all I can foresee,  but you never know. Life can always take a shit at anytime. I don't worry about it. I don't trust the future, so I don't count on it. As a matter of fact I am on the side the future isn't bright.  I just do my day to day, and will not be surprised about anything.

As far as being attached to any part of this World I guess I am not. This life doesn't last forever, so why put trust in any of this temporary stuff. To be honest, I've been waiting for horrible stuff I have to do, not really looking for a good easy life. It is like that for me now, but just temporarily.

I have no ideas what the days will look like after I finally do my last thing. Probably not good. There is no manual for what I am doing, and the day will just come sometime. I cannot make it happen. I don't know what any of this means for you either. I have no vision of the part others play. Let's face it too, as long as I've been doing this most/all went their own way.  Kinda disappeared. It had no effect on me really. I still do my thing.

In the end it seems neither was really important. People disappearing,  and me doing this. I think I spent time for over 2000 days doing this thing too.   :) 

Funny funny. On the bright side I had nothing better to do.

I am just living the life singled out for me. I gave up authorship long ago. I am along for the ride making sense of it as best I can.

Without a worry really, besides a hopper,  and cake donut batter.

Anyways, I guess today I'll have a day. Should be okay. Not much planned really.

Laterzzz.    :)

xoxo.    :)

xxoo.    :)

A Day Of Nothing Basically.

Good morning. How's it going?  I am fine. Yesterday was a pretty normal day. I work at 5:00 AM on Saturdays so I fall asleep early on Friday. I got out a little early yesterday, cuz they were working where I usually work, so we did a plan B, and it is hard to know how much time it takes for plan B stuff. I was able to see a 12:00 movie instead of a 2:00. I saw the Peppermint movie with what's her name?  The one who was married to Ben Affleck. I've always had a thing for her. Jennifer Garner.   :)  couldn't remember her name for a sec.

I came home, watched the first episode of American Horror Story Apocalypse, the first half of MI football,  and started Jack Ryan on Amazon Prime. It's pretty good.  Pizza Hut for dinner and bed.

Today is Sunday, so I will get shit done before work. I have been reading a lot on Sundays just chilling, but last week I found it worth my time to get shit done. I'll be tired when I get home from work regardless. My schedule is pretty well set. Work out on Monday, Wednesday,  and Friday. I'll run whenever I can during the week, and Sunday. Saturday is basically work, go to a movie, and whatever. I can sleep in on Sunday if I stay up late. I didn't last night.

So the life is pretty set in my day to day. Not much changes really,  except whatever extra projects I may have. Like anyone's life it isn't terribly exciting. Quite boring I am sure, but I am fine with it. I just live out my days, and don't really worry about anything else. Others have their lives,  and go live them I guess. I don't really care.  It isn't important whatever it is you do. How can you think otherwise? 

I don't really ask anything out of life to my knowledge. I am in a good position I spose. I don't have any questions really. Let the days unfold. I do this thing a lot, and I may be the only one who reads it. That's fine with me. Maybe what I do here is important'ish for whatever reason, and maybe not too. In life we all are guilty in assuming things to be true that just aren't so.  I've been surprised on many occasion at my own ignorance.

Anyway, it is Sunday. A new day, and another day of work. I don't really have a ton of shit to do on Monday my day off. I may just plan a good meal. Our gutters get put up on Tuesday, and there is a chance of rain Wednesday,  Thursday, and Friday.

Anyways,  I better get going. I gotta finish my coffee, take Hope, and get some shit done. 

Laterzzz.   :)

xoxo.   :)

xxoo.    :)

Just Trashed.

So yesterday my body was just trashed. I am not running any huge miles,  but it was 8 days out of 9 of running. On any given day I am on my feet a good portion of the day, besides Monday, and we got a lot done on Monday. My legs were fatigued, and I was tired. Yesterday was a workout day too,  and I just upped a lot of weight the time before. I did 3 sets yesterday. One or two of the 3rd sets was close to failure,  so I had to push to get it done, and then ride my bike home. I was beat.

I didn't do shit after that. I was pleasantly surprised above the garage door coming home. I know I need another 40 tiles to completely finish the job, but it still looks fine til we do that.

My 2:30 AM wake up alarm is working pretty good. It's not a huge time difference from 3:00 AM, but that extra half hour is handy.  Today is a non run day, and a non work out day. I think I got a thing to go to tonight too. I think it is a yacht club shindig or something. Supposed to go with one of the bakery owners,  assuming he didn't change plans. It's Jacob so you never really know. It should be fun if we are still going.

Today will be a day of very little getting done outside of work,  and I am okay with that. I never did write out my to do list I wanted from last week. I know I felt I had a lot to do, and I am not sure if I still remember everything I wanted to get done.  :)  in my mind I think I got a good majority done. At least from what I remember.

Life goes on. Here I am though starting another day the same way I always do. I am up, and happy to start another day. There isn't a lot in my mind. I am having a cup of coffee , and that is hitting the spot.

I don't really have anything to worry about. I know that is a lucky thing for me. A good way to be. I am a good period removed from worry, so I cannot really even remember the day to day stress most people probably have to deal with.

My life is so routine, I don't even contemplate things too much. You know how most people probably try to manipulate events so their life stacks up someway. I do NOT do that at all.  I take the days as they come.  Maybe that is another secret too about me. My heart is fine with my lot in life.  I don't struggle anymore with an inconsistent heart. My heart doesn't really take days off. Another day, I am ready to start it. I am far removed from an inconsistent heart too, although I remember that being a struggle when I was hoping for a better version of myself.

It is very lucky being me. I wouldn't want to be any other way. How I am you cannot be as you stand. In that regard it is good to be me.

I can't imagine the day to day stress most have to deal with. I am too far removed. I cannot walk in your shoes at all, and unfortunately for you my shoes you can't walk in. You have no idea what you currently are missing out on. Also there is no avenue of sacrifice or labor to bring you how I am. A chasm impossible to overcome without help. Honestly too I don't know how or when that will even happen. 

Not my stuff to worry about though,  so I don't.

Anyway guess I'll take Hope for a walk today. 

Laterzzz.    :)

Have fun.   :)

xoxo.    :)

xxoo.   :)

Some Days...

Some days it is hard to even come up with a title. Yesterday was just a pretty huge day altogether. I got a little run in the morning. Worked a little extra. Had to rush to get the shit done even. I also sorta finished our garage. It's okay now in its finished state, but we will have to buy another box of circular tiles next Spring,  just to make it look better.

So basically I was on my feet all day. I had to climb up and down the ladder a million times. Over 15 miles yesterday just by living.

That was pretty much my day. Work,  eat, sleep. Today is a work out day, and also another run day. I have to can the rest of my tomatoes sometime this week too.  I guess I have been getting my stuff done slowly but surely. I wish we didn't need to do more circular tiles, but whatever.

I guess yesterday was just a pretty okay day all things considered. There isn't much else out there in life. You labor throughout the day, and have a meal.

I suppose we all in some way want to make a difference, but we don't. The World goes it's own way,  and there is no human who directs how it will go. Even at the highest levels decisions are made,  and no one knows the consequences. Predicting the future we cannot do.

I find in life people draw lines. I am on this side of whatever. I am right,  others are wrong. Lines divide,  make enemies of people using other lines. We all follow some pied piper somewhere, and in the end life is just about you. You answer for you, not your lines. If you could look back, you could see in the long run you just aren't that good.

A long time ago I saw a vision of my timeline, with a clear sight to my deeds. What I found was I wasn't that fucking great. You know when the time came for me to do what I was to do in life, I decided to be the best me I can be.

I found throughout the days my heart would change from here to there. I wanted to labor I think for a consistent heart, but that was folly. These days I pretty much wake up the same as always. It's groundhog day every day. Ready to start another. In that regard I guess I have the consistency in my heart I always wanted. Perfection is still out of reach from my hands. It is out of your reach too. I think it matters,  and I suspect most /all cling to good enough. 

You'll find in life the hard truth, that one you don't matter. Two you are not that great, and there is no truthful way to dress it any other way. The truth is pretty brutal really. A human has to recognize their weakness, and helplessness before they can move on.

I guess long ago I learned that. I wanted to impress that cute blond I was working with at the hospital,  but instead I let her know I was a piece of shit. Sure I wanted to dress a part to make me look a certain way, but I grabbed the truth instead. I used that as my crutch. I guess it's helped take me a long way. I suspect most people still try and dress the part instead of clinging to the truth.

Still to this day I ain't that fucking great, but the story isn't finished. I just wait for that,  and live out my days in the meantime. Also I am more established in my direction. I don't worry about my imperfections as I did way back when, cuz my heart is finally assured. It is what makes me strong,  and also indifferent.

I guess I once thought things would go a certain way, and I tried to grab people to have them come with, but everyone has their life to live. Everyone falls away to create their own life. I gave up my coin long ago with a turn. I didn't see any good path where I could make a good story. I suspect a few will eventually see that truth about themselves. The rest will go their own way, and it is fine by me. I am a vessel used in my story. I can't make me the way I'll eventually be. Very little I can do for me, how much less can I do for you?  Ya know? 

I can't worry about what I can't control. In that regard I guess I have very little stress.

Anyhoo, I guess I better go. 

Laterzzz.    :)

Have fun.   :)

xoxo.    :)

xxoo.    :)

A Pretty Good Monday I Spose.

Good morning. How's it going?  I am fine. Outside maybe not sleeping enough Sunday night, I still had a pretty good Monday. We finally almost finished our garage. We added these cedar circular tiles we stained. Lisa got a lot pretty cheap at work. It wasn't enough, so we had to order them. It was like a 3 week lead time. Then it rained every other day forever,  so we couldn't get it stained. I'll be able to finish the little left today. All in all its been a pretty productive Summer.

Assuming I won't have a lot to do next Summer,  I may get a new road bike. We'll see, I just think I'll have a lot of time maybe.  I also got a pretty good workout in. I upped the weight in maybe 40% of my exercises. I feel it. Not sure really,  but more like you feel you used your muscles. It is different than running, cuz you constantly feel your muscles repairing themselves. It seems to me one good circuit keeps your muscles repairing themselves for like a full day plus. In that way your body keeps working even after exercise. That's not scientific or anything, it's just what it feels like to me.

Today is my first 2:30 alarm day too. I didn't sleep as good as I normally do, but I should be fine.  I'll get a run in, work,  and finish my garage. Next Tuesday they are coming to put our seamless gutters up. Outside of painting for an hour an area where we have bees, our house will be done.

Unfortunately I don't really have much to write about. I live each day as it comes I guess. My life is pretty simple.

Oh something I learned about myself. On Sunday I was so excited to work, because I wasn't going to waste a Sunday watching football. I was to be busy, and that really hasn't hapoened in a while. I was thinking the other day too, I am pretty lucky I like to work. It is a good quality to have. It makes me feel good. Me left to my own devices does not necessarily mean I will be productive. Maybe a schedule is good for us all. I cannot speak for others just myself.

Anyway, today is a run day, and a work day. It should be okay. The nights are cool too, so it is a good time of year.

Guess I better get going.

Laterzzz.    :)

xoxo.    :)

xxoo.    :)

The Vagrant Files.

Good morning. How's it going?  I am fine. Yesterday was okay. I was a bit tired I think as the day went on. I think I woke up actually at midnight, and not sure if I fell back asleep. I did go to the gym, and had a good workout. My hard days are just doing 4 sets instead of 3 on my circuit, and that is what I did.

I drove yesterday. I was just about to bike to work, but it was raining. Yesterday seemed to be an overcast day. It's lucky I drove to work, cuz I had to pick up our cat at the vet. I didn't switch my alarm yet either, cuz originally I planned on not running, but I decided I will get a quick one in. My legs aren't fatigued so. It will be 4 days in a row.

Other than that not much.  I am not particularly angry at anything. I don't really pay attention to the news of the day, and it has no affect on my life. I just live out my days, and the stuff in the World will continue on. I am sure people will consider me naive, but I am not the one angry over whatever it is people get angry at these days.

I find anger clouds judgement. A person cannot stand away, and look at things objectively if anger is in their heart. Anger is the fuel of propaganda. In my World it all is propaganda.

So what should one spend their time pondering?  I don't know. Do what you want. Read the news. Watch the news people on tv. Get angry at stuff, I don't care. Unfortunately the news has no bearing on my life, and either do people. I am as I've always been I suppose.

I guess how I've been since this blog started up anyway. In a pretty good position. If anything has changed it is just i see clearly how little I matter, and what I do here. I know good is done here cuz it is made to do so. One can work with imperfection,  but it helps if one honestly knows where they stand. The multitudes paint themselves as Saints contrary to the truth. Cling to better than such and such as a way to prove their worth.

I guess the ultimate truth for me is what I wanted most was not up to me. I was not going to build me into perfection,  I wasn't going to sacrifice such and such toward perfection. I wasn't going to go into the wild to come out perfect. There is no avenue. Also, even though I wanted the path I must take,  it still wasn't up to me whether I can take it or not. I guess I bared my cross so to speak, and the whole secret here was I was willing to be condemned if that is the plan. Not my will.  That is what judgement is. Everyone pictures themselves in heaven as if they have a clue, and I have to go elsewhere. That is where one gets understanding, and I am willing. I'll be judged for the 3rd time, and trust me it isn't fun. No hope really you just accept eternity I guess. I had help the first two times as my heart was strengthened to accept my lot if that is the plan. The 3rd time I'll have help, and that will be the end of the current version of me. This too has been hidden for a long time. Centuries to my knowledge, cuz I know of no one,  and I am sure I would have heard I think.

I don't know how or why it was hidden for so long,  maybe cuz no one ever doubted the purpose of this life. My story is so long from the turn to now.

I figured at some point I guess I deserved something, and that is my final truth. I don't deserve anything. As others view themselves as Saints, and in the best corners of heaven, I know what I deserve as we all do, but my help chose to spare me, although it won't be without suffering. I was willing to go that route for decades, but perhaps I was naive in wanting to do it sooner rather than later. Security is what I wanted most, and I have that. The 3rd time will be no joke, and the first time nearly broke me. The 2nd time I swallowed despair as my partner,  but the judges lie.

Anyhoo,  guess I better run.

Laterzzz.     :)

xoxo.   :)

xxoo.    :)

I Have A Lot To Do.

Good morning. How's it going?  Me, I am fine. I am up a little earlier than normal,  and I may switch it to a full time thing. Set my early alarm for 2:30 AM instead of 3:00 AM. I kinda want to up my running mileage a bit, and a half hour gives you at least 3 more miles while everything else remains the same.

I think it is pretty smart all around. There comes a time where some things become important. I am 52, which really is pretty close to 60 so it is good for me to be active. More active = better to a certain point. You always have that law of diminishing returns, but I think I can stack my scale a bit more in a slow fashion.

I was thinking this morning I really have a lot to do. I mean I better get a to do list going. I'll forget shit. I did weed whack my yard yesterday, and ride my bike to the library, and bank yesterday. Today is a gym day, and I am starting to look forward to it.

The first  couple times your nervous cuz it's new, but it really ain't no biggie. There are no hard core get in shape people. Mostly older people moving basically. Treadmills, ellipticals,  cycles etc...  you don't use your muscles you'll eventually lose them. I decided to try and use them all.

I totally missed my friends visitation who just passed. I thought I'd see something. I biked by his old house yesterday too, and I wondered when it was. It was yesterday, and funeral this morning. My wife found out. I did want to go, and pay my last respects,  but I saw his old house. It still has this huge backboard on the garage with basket. It hasn't been resided or painted. There was a field across the street, and I can't remember what was there. I thought maybe it was a burger king, and it moved down a bit, but I really think now there was a gas station there.

He died pretty suddenly, so I thought a heart attack or something. He just got diagnosed with something that would eventually take his life further down the road, but I think it was pneumonia that got him in the end.  That can't be a good end. Basically like drowning almost I would think.

Anyway yesterday as a day was fine. I did run a little longer than my normal route, and I liked it. I am not running any crazy miles,  but if I do add some I may do the turkey trot again this year. I think it's an 8K. I was active, and got some stuff done. A front moved in as was predicted. It was sunny one second,  and the next everything went black.

Today I have a lot on my list,  so it will be busy.

Right now I'll finish my coffee, and then run. It is 5 minutes before my early alarm goes off. I think I like that.

Anyway, I gotta run. 

Have fun.   :)

xoxo.    :)

xxoo.    :)

Laterzzz.    :)

Just Like That.

So yesterday was pretty perfect. I ran before work,  went to the gym after. I got a pretty good workout in. I came home, and cut the grass. I was thinking about doing more, but when I finished the grass I felt like I was done. It was pretty humid outside. I had two short mixed drinks, and sat outside. We had a simple meal, and watched like 3 episodes of the office. That show is so funny.

That was my day. Lisa went to the beach after dinner, and I went to bed. My heart was content, and happy,  and that was all it took. A busy day, getting stuff done. It seems silly that those are my favorite days huh?  It's how I am, and I am glad for it.

I do have to stop by the library today to get my next book in the crime series. I finished reading the latest one on Monday.

It was so good being alive, and living the life I live. I just can't explain. Today will be more of the same. I won't go to the gym,  but I'll stay busy. All of a sudden I feel like I want to add more activity to my life.  I don't know why that is. Maybe cuz I just want to feel more and more like I did yesterday. I went to bed on top of the World. You'll notice I didn't change the World, I didn't make this a better place, but I felt good and content. Just a happy heart I guess.

It is too bad you can't hit that feeling I hit. I did not make myself feel this good. I didn't put so much activity in my day it made me happy,  it's just my heart is how it is. If you could do one thing that will always make you feel so generally good you'd do it. I don't labor myself into happiness, but I work in unison kinda with how my heart is going to be.

My heart will typically be okay with stuff. Activity helps give me a sense of worth I guess, but my heart is not controlled by me. Energy plus this feeling of peace I have is pretty good.

Also having all stress being basically taken away, cuz I am assured of me, and everything about my life.

Today I'll have a day in the life, and these are pretty good.  As long as I don't have too many days off in a row.

Anyways, I gotta run.

Have fun.   :)

xoxo.    :)

xxoo.    :)

Laterzzz.     :)

What A Horrible Weekend.

Good morning. How's it going?  I am fine. I had two days off this weekend, and it was horrible. I had stuff I wanted to do outside, but the weather did not cooperate. A lot of rain, and if it wasn't raining it was hot and humid. I really am not a fan of multiple days off.

You have to fill your time doing something, and I just didn't have enough inside stuff to do. One day I watched movies. Yesterday I read a lot. I made chili too, which came out pretty good. Also I did not move anywhere near as much as when I work, which is always the case. It rained so much I now have to cut the grass too.

For me in life I just want to stay busy. It makes everything better. I really don't work for the weekend I spose.  I work to enjoy my days. Left to my own devices there just isn't enough to do.

I know I am probably different than most in how I am, and I cannot fathom being any other way. It wouldn't sit well with me.

Other than that not much is going on. I am finally going back to work, and hitting the gym after, and running before work. I spose I'll be moving at least 15 miles today, so all will be good.

Other than that not much. Some days I see things differently. Most days are this way, but yesterday for a short while I saw how you see things. I saw how impossible what I do here is. It doesn't matter one bit really I just saw how things are for a short while. It's fine. This thing will go on, and I'll write how I see things on any given day. I don't really control that,  it is just however I wake up.

Like today I pretty much have nothing, but everything is back to normal. The secret to life i cannot give you. All paths lead to a heart not content. I spose all paths lead one to placing some people upon some type of pedestal. No one belongs on one.

I was just thinking yesterday of the difference between fiction and non fiction books. My estimation is typically fiction is more truthful. Non fiction is a pile of shit. We typically believe the opposite, but the truth is not found in non fiction books. I read a lot of them too.

Anyhoo,  I guess I'll go. 

Laterzzz.    :)

xoxo.    :)

xxoo.   :)

Oh btw I saw some girl on the cooking station. Katielee from one of the shows. Dark hair, and pretty. I checked out her Twitter page, and she is pretty remarkably pretty. She was recently spending time in the Hamptons, and recently got married in Italy. Pretty, but I can tell her view on life is flawed. I didn't follow her. She is pretty though.

Cya.   :)