Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Better-- Hey I used that title before. :)

It  has been a bad week or so???  Something like that.  I trust you all, and I plan on adding back.  You know I have been through some stuff.  Stuff I wouldn't wish on my own enemy.  I shared a lot with a lot of you.  A lot of the differences we had are for whatever, but so you know I trust you.  I think you get me now too.  I can be the nicest guy in the world... with help.... of course, and I can be the biggest dick.

Maybe some took things for granted, that I will always be here, but I think most have learned their lesson.  Internally I am strong every morning.  I do this blog thing, and the truth comes out.  I like to have it come out in a nice way, but sometimes that is subject to others.  I'd just as well leave that nasty sword at home inside, but I will use it when need be.  To keep us on course.  Not that I have any idea what the heck that is, but obviously that shit is done through me.

I have been a bad blogger as far as reading blogs.  I don't know why.  Some voices quiet me, Panders is one, and you know more and more and more I'd like to hear about your life.  That shit fascinates me.  See there are times when you do what you do that you think about things.  Your head is quiet, and thoughts come to you.  Whether it is memories, or ponderings of how you relate in this crazy little world.  Where you have been where you are going.  That shit is interesting to all.

I want to put this link up.  It popped up on my screen the other day, and I read it.  It is a pretty good post.

Anyway so you all know we will get this shit straightened out.  When bad things happen to me, especially if the mirror gets turned on me, the sword comes out.  You don't want to look at that shit believe me.  Know this, I am not perfect.  I don't pretend to be, and what is perfect anyway right??  I mean I was probably as perfect as anything during my summer of discontent.  I ate once every two days probably.  I never watched t.v.  Every waking moment was spent outside, when not at work.  I worked at my humble job very diligently, and I never really had anything mean to say to anyone.  A man of few words.  BUT I FELT LIKE SUCH A HORRIBLE PERSON.  So dirty.  The end of that summer was #1.  A victory that led me into PICU for 6 days.  That led to the physical depression, and then the energy was restored.  I know when the energy was restored.  I knew it at the exact second it happened.  I was like really???  WOAH!!   I then became a Joseph Heller zany nut.  Fun was mine to be had, because I was free.  There was nothing I could do about anything, but believe that days would be coming where I would do other things.  Did I know those days would be 19 years or whatever later?  Did I know it would last this long??  no.  Did I know the people involved?? no, only 5.

All work I do is done through me.  I am just something being used for a purpose.  I go a little zany, and I am a nut.  I don't take much on this earth as particularly important.  In things pertaining to life and death it all is pretty silly.  I mean when we are two steps from death what will we think about??  Our bank accounts??  Did we make the mortgage payments???  Do we have a top notch credit score??  Nah, we will think about friends and family, and that we are done.

Hell I know this is long, but I want to tell you a little story.  My step-mom went like Jen Gray's mom.  Cancer, and only so much time to live.  I didn't like women too much at this time.  After Carolynn broke up with me I lost trust.  I lost trust in God, and women, and all.  I smoked pot for the first time, had sex for the first time, even tried cocaine for the first of 2 times.  What the hell did any of that shit get me??  My mom was in pain for quite a while.  I looked at it as a sign of weakness.  I didn't trust it.  I know real dickish of me.  I didn't want to go to my college graduation, because I didn't think it was a big deal.  I was not that impressed with myself, because I was searching, and I had no answers.  My mom and dad made me go to it, because they were coming to see it.  I guess they were proud.  Weird, because I never really was proud of myself.  I am glad they did, because shortly after we got news my step-mom was going to die.  It was like a boulder crushed my soul.  This person who at this point I liked kinda, but whatever, I really wasn't into family too much at the time, was going to die.  WOAH!!!    That shit really happens huh??  Something for me to look at.  A little part of my journey.  Seeing her casket face on Christmas the day before she died, was....eeeeek!!!.  Seeing her ballooned up with water weight, cause of some incompetent doctor to add to her suffering.  Ways to look at life.  Seeing life as this ugly thing.  Rose colored glasses off, real ones on.  You know where my journey ended after the "Journey"??   My rose colored glasses came back on.  All is good in my world, because with a blessing that where it leads.  You have to see necessary things.  Don't worry about things, just keep your eyes open.  Yeah there are some shitty things, but you know when eventually you all get out of your cocoon, you will have a pure heart.  One of the beatitudes right???   :)

We got this!!!!   :)

That is it for today!!!   :)

Thanks for reading!!!   :)

Hope Everyone has a Great and Awesome Day!!!   :)

xo's!!!   :)

Love You All!!!   :)

p.s. I am fucked as far as running is for the time being.  It hurts like a bitch when I wake up in the morning just to walk.  Ouchies!!!   :)   I don't really give a shit, except for the pain part.  That really sucks.  :)  It loosens up eventually as I walk though so I can still work.  :)

Love You All!!!   xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

You all are the best!!!!   xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

extras for those great people overseas   xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Doreen and whoever she would ever want to give them too.   xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo   :)

The rest of you's too.  xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

MWAH  MWAH   MWAH!!!!!    :)

Now for really really cya cya cya!!!   :D  :D

1 comment:

Panders said...

If you never vomit everything thats going on in your head, you will go crazy. I have had my moment and I am trying to get better ;-) Hope your having a good week! Thanks for saying that my world is fascinating because I just think its CRAZY!