A Brand New Day...

Well good afternoon all.  How's it going??   Me, I am doing really good.   I don't know why.  I did not get near enough sleep.  I was kinda awake, and thinking about work.   Thinking of all these things I want to get done tonight, and now I have probably set myself up for failure.  I won't get near enough done that I want. 

Last week was quite a week.  It appears the death affected me.   I know it did the day I heard about it.  I am not sure what the rest of the week was about though.  Was it one of those things where I deal with something, and so much of me gets taken out there isn't much good left??  There is a history of that happening.   Many many examples.  

Whatever I feel good.   I feel clean, like everything is okay, and good... with me.   I am not so sure of the rest of you people.   You know I feel in this thing here I know no one.   I don't know who any person really is.  Everyone is so tied up in their daily routines.   The World is like this let me get my grind on. 

I don't really know anyone.   Everyone hides.  Lets no one in.  All the dark little things about us we keep it to ourselves.  Everyone is so afraid of the light, because it would appear when the truth of us is known, we can be judged.  

Ummmm, yes you can and you will.   Who escapes being judged??  So, this thing is going on kinda, and you people are afraid.  Afraid of what the World would think huh??   Yeah I getcha.   What have I been saying all along??   Trust... be strong... You will need help with all you have to do, but you don't want to take the necessary steps. 

YIKES!!!  

Oh well.   I am going to get a little run in.   I am thinking tacos for dinner too. 

Wish me luck tonight I get everything done at work I want to.   :)

Laterzzzzz

What's On Tap Today??

Hello, I am just sitting here having one of my should I blog or not moments...   I have those once in a while.  Today I am making coffee, before I go on my run.  I guess I should note, I am blogging before my run too.   I will get my coffee now. 

Okay, I got it.  I should note I drink like 1-2 cups of coffee each week these days.  I typically will only drink it if I am up early in the morning and feel like it.  That only happens if I have the night off.  Not that it is a big deal, because I don't think coffee is bad for you, but just making a note.

So this blog is going on, and it isn't going all that great right now.  I have my ideas why, and maybe I will share.   People are trying to hold onto some form of decency.  I will show this, and that, and that is good enough right??  That makes me good??   Going around in this life saying and thinking me, me, me, me, me.  Where does the path of selfishness lead???  To what great truths will you find there?? 

Do you see your heart is not right??   Can you not feel it??  Do you not in the wee hours of the thinking night/morning wish you were different??   A better person??   A person who gave a shit about others??

I have been saying for a really long time now there is a way to a better you.  It isn't from the path of me, me, me, me, me, though.  No matter what sacrifices you make they still don't end in the way you want.

There is always a choice, and it appears many of you if not all have already made it.

That is too bad, because that means the close to 1100 posts of this blog alone have been done in vain.

Oh well.  I am going to get my run in a bit, and have to do some stuff around the house.   Maybe I should make something nice for dinner.   I have to work tonight, and you know what??   I look forward to work.   When I go in, I am usually tired, but I wake up pretty quickly.  All the things I liked about previous jobs I do here.   I stay busy.  I am very active.   A lot of lifting, and walking fast etc...   There is always stuff to do, and the job is never ever done.   What more can one ask??   I don't mind working 3rds either, because I get every day off.   I only sleep til like 11-1:00.   I still go to bed in time to miss prime time tee veee too.   Not too shabby. 

Well, guess that is about it. 

Have a good Sunday.  :)

xo

To Blog Or Not To Blog... hmmm...

That was the question in my mind today.   Should I blog or not??  My first thought was to not, because I didn't really care, and then I started thinking.   Where is this leading??  Ahhh, yes.   So all this is for you people to get a look at you.  

How are you as a person??   How do you think a person should be??  Tough?? strong??   Omniscient and Omnipotent??   Some people you wonder if they have themselves in their own mind high up on that pedestal.  It would seem so. 

You have all the answers huh??   Nothing is going to stop you huh??   Christ most of you men are not even the master of your own domain if you know what I mean for more than a week on end.   God knows what farm animals you think about, I don't want to know and I don't care.   It matters not one bit to me.  

Do you see you though??   Is that as good as you want to be, although I doubt I'd use the word good.  Your life is how omnipotent you are huh??   Ahh the power of youth.   Going after the rewards here on Earth that really are made of straw.   When the fire comes you put your whole life into something that burns. 

I know where this leads though, and it is a good thing there still is hope for you.  

You haven't understood the importance, and you haven't accepted the importance of what I say.   I hope you see how you are though.  

Day off today.  Doing nothing.  

bye...

The Little Voice Inside Us...

Just when I was very very close to lose all hope...   I wrote on this blog about a 32 year old person who died.  Leaving kids, and family, and husband.   That can only mean two things.  Life goes on, and people don't give a Shit about that, or no one reads this.   Either way is fine, but I have to feel people read this if I am going to write it right??  I do take time out of my crappy life to write this shit. 

I do  want to clarify about crappy life.   My life is as good as anyone else, it just happens they all kinda suck, and are all kinda crappy.   We put our eyes on the future, but only so far.   Our eyes tend to fall short of the 6' under thing.   That isn't in our plans.   Not in my 5 and 10 year plan.  Doubt it was in Jenn's plans either.  Who plans to die at 32?? 

I am reminded of Nate, a guy I went to H.S. with.  His wife died of cancer young too.   Leaving kids and such, and a husband.  I don't know him too too well, but he is Republican'ish, and Religion'ish, and that is fine.  I cannot go back in time to see how Nate dealt with that.  I cannot see it.

I wanted to talk about the little voice though.   Olga's blog had her little voice.  So honest, and so refreshing.   It wasn't about how great she is, or all these things she is going to do with her life.  Her blog was her little voice.  Olga all alone in this great big World.   I hope you people can find your little voice inside you ,because that is where all the good stuff is.  There is a loud boisterous voice we have too, and that is crap.   That is your Worldly voice, and that voice has nothing worthwhile to say. 

Get to know you.  Get to know the 2 sides, perhaps more sides of you, and find that small voice.   The one you would never ever ever want anyone to see, but you should let people see.   It is a good voice, and it is the one who wins, even though it isn't a confident voice.    Out of the box right??  out of the shell.

Okay, I gotta run.   I ain't got nothing major planned.  I work tonight, and only am on 2 hours of sleep.   :)   I'll need to fall asleep for some hours before the work hours.  :)

If you read this, please take time to think about Nancy Close, and Ami Harju.  They were related to this girl, and she was a fun girl.   She had a heart, and she cared about her kids.  A couple years back you might remember I let Mike, Ami's husband write about his IM he did on my blog.  That to this day was probably the best race report I ever read.  Mike is one of those people who has kinda been in tune with his small voice a lot.  An honest guy, and they too have 3 kids.  

Take care all.   :)

And thanks Olga for getting to your little voice.   :)   It made my day.   :)   xoxoxo    :)

Thanks to Olga

Better Get Some Cat Food...

Good Morning All.  How's it going??   Me, I  guess I am doing okay.  If you read my blog yesterday you know I saw once again some real life stuff going on.  A death from one who was too young to die.  Leaving a husband and kids.   32 years old.  She had cancer from what I gather, and than her liver failed.   I saw the pics of her pregnant I think, and with the kids.  I think the new husband must have had some kids too. 

You see that pain though, and that tragic sad story, and what can you do.  I didn't want to look at that, but I did. 

Life goes on.  I know two people who it will really affect, but they are two strong women, and they will deal in a healthy way.  Face it, and cry, and have memories, and music will help them remember, and deal with it, and they may have some drinks here and there too. 

Life is something you have to deal with head on.   People don't really get that.   They are trying to do everything BUT deal.  I am pretty disappointed in people a lot.   Many don't get it.  I have been going on this blog on and on and on, but they still don't get it.  

What am I going to do??   I am going to go buy cat food, because we need some.  I am going to go for a little run too, although my heel hurts.   I am going to have a day today.  I work tonight, and work is going well.   A little more responsibility.  I will now be able to check, and make sure inventory counts are accurate, and change accordingly.  I will also be able to be creative to find ways to get new product on the shelf.  A lot of life is about being creative, and finding ways to make things work. 

Sociology majors have messed up more than they know.  Trying to keep every little bit of human life in a spread sheet is dumb.   You end up feeling all  "office Space"   The bigger the worse you are as far as Businesses are. 

So this blog goes on, and so does this life.  

laterzzzzz

So This Happened Last Night.

Hello All.  How's it going??  Me, I am doing okay.  A bit tired.  I haven't slept enough, but I don't work tonight. 

Anyhoo, I have a a little story to tell.  An acquaintance of mine died last night.  She was given a Death Sentence.  Liver failure.  I don't know how old she is maybe mid 30's??  She has 3 children I believe??   She just had a new born not too long ago I believe.  She was just re-married.  First marriage ended in a divorce, because the Husband cheated on her.  Some people don't take that too well, and she was definitely one of them.  

Imagine that.  You have been given a death sentence.   What do you think about your kids??  You miss it all.   From here on out.   I don't have  a ton of info, but my brother John told me she was given a few days to live, and that might have been a week ago.   How do you look at your kids??  What do you say??

I have to be honest that shit breaks me up.  Wars are one thing huh??  People dieing all over the place, but when it is someone you know that is real real shit huh??

I don't know of anybody who died in the chemical attacks in Syria.   I knew this person a bit too.   I know we partied at least on one occasion, and she was fun, and a crazy woman.

I am kinda broken up about it, and I didn't know her a ton.  I cannot imagine the people who did know her.  Her best friends, and her new husband.  

That shit is fucked up, and really fucking sad.

Like I said though, I am tired.  I am not running or doing anything today, but I am going to relax.  Have some drinks.  Fall asleep early and run tomorrow.

I'd give you all the smiles and stuff, but life does throw this stuff at us.  

FUCK,   This shit is sad.

My Sleep Is Already Messed Up Today...

Well my sleep is already messed up today.   I am running on two hours of sleep right now, and I am wide awake.   RUH ROH!!!   I have to work again tonight, so now is a rush to get stuff done, and cook dinner by 4 or 5, and get back to bed.   You'd think I have this down to a Science huh??

So what is going on with me??  Not much.   Aren't you tired of reading this thing??  Do I ever say anything new??  How throughout the years I have not grown tired of doing this is beyond me??   I mean yeah sometimes I hate this stupid thing, but mostly it is okay. 

I have to get another run in today, and I am going to do my pushups today.  I blew them off yesterday to get another rest day in.  Eventually you don't even need rest days, but I am not there yet. 

As this blog goes on it seems like it is getting tougher and tougher to grab my attention.   Eventually we see everything so much we lose interest??   Are we as people inherently uninteresting?? 

Do you feel uninteresting??  I mean what are we doing here anyway??  We aren't being the shakers and movers of the World that is for sure, and even the shakers and movers are probably fake Politicians, or power hunger people who are exploiting people for their own benefit, or using Chemical weapons on citizens.  Wreaking Havoc in a messed up World.  

Look at this Great Big World out here.   What is there to do that makes any difference in anything at all?? 

Not much is there??  So here is where you will need to be strong.   You are drinking the Kool Aid now, or pretty close to now.   It is going to give you a vision of how utterly hopeless, and devoid of any real meaning our lives are.   This is an important step, because there are steps that need to be made for you to get to the meaningful parts of life.  

It isn't you, and the things you think up either.   I already told you those paths are dead ends.   You know the story, and you know where this leads.   A new you, and a new life.   A different you, and a person this World will not understand.  

Your story is being prepared, and it isn't you drawing up the plot... as much as you would want to prove to everyone how fabulous you are, or how hard you would be willing to work to prove your fabulousness.  

All the old things you believe in and strive for, we will be throwing that stuff away.  It is time for us to reach for new things.   New things you cannot attain, and cannot fathom.  

It is a story, and I surely am not the author, and I surely don't know how this thing will happen, but I know it will.   We shall see. 

That is it for today!!!    :)

Thanks for reading!!!    :)

Hope Everyone has a Great and Awesome Day!!!    :)

xo's!!!    :)

Love You All!!!    :)

p.s.  Guess I better get ready for my run.  

Love You All     xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Ya'All are the best  xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Extras of these  xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Extras of these  xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Now for really really cya cya cya    :D     :D  

LOLz

Good morning all... still, but just barely.   :)

How's it going??  Me, I am doing pretty good.   I woke up in a good mood again today.  Not sure why, just one of those things.  Not much for me to do today.  I have to get a run in real quick with the Hopester, and do my pushups and that is it.   I think I want to make Chicken Noodle Soup for dinner.   The extent of my day. 

I am happy for my crappy simple life.   Actually there is more to me, and I cannot even explain.   Well, I have, but how can I tell my story without seeming bonkers??   Not possible is it?? 

It is so crazy dumb, I cannot even explain.   The problem is we seek for the things that make us feel good, and I am one who would have done anything.   Put forth 100% effort into whatever that would make me the best person.  Who knew my path is one where I wouldn't make me how I am?? 

So I have this heart that is very happy, and I feel pretty darn good.   It seems almost unfair, because you are dealing with Monday, and maybe the blahs we sometimes get.  I don't know.  What do you seek for??  What do you search for??   What can YOU do in life to make you the best person?? 

I hope it isn't blogging about eating banana smoothies.  That would be silly.   :)  HAHA

Anyhoodles, I don't have a lot today.   It is a good Monday, and I am glad I am not you.  :)

LOLz

That is it for today!!!    :)

Thanks for reading!!!    :)

Hope Everyone has a Great and Awesome Day!!!    :)

xo's!!!    :)

Love You All!!!    :)

p.s.  I didn't get enough sleep, so I will have to nap this evening.   I am thinking an early dinner, like 4:00'ish or so.   I better get crackin. 

Love You All   xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Ya'All are the best  xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Extras of these  xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Extras of these  xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Now for really really cya cya cya   :D     :D 

Football Sunday...

Good--*quick checks clock*-- Afternoon all.   :)   How's it going??  Me, I am doing pretty good.  I had a really good day at work last night.   As crappy and lame as it sounds, I am actually good at doing Retail stuff.   :)   Not really the being all fake nice to customers and stuff, but the nuts and bolts of retail.   The real work part.  I had to do that last night.   It went well.   I am pretty happy with my work if I do say so myself.  :) 


So what is going on with me??  Not much.  I ran a little 4 miler yesterday with the Hopester, and it went well.   It was pushup day yesterday, and my 5th set I was toast.   WOW!!   My last set I was supposed to do 15+.  I did 8, and my arms were toast.  You know pushups are touch the chest to the floor, and lock your arms on the up.   No cheating on pushups.   Tomorrow is another pushup day, so looking forward to how I do.   My pushup workout yesterday was with only 60 seconds rest.   That is what killed me I think. 

Today is football Sunday.   I am hoping to fall asleep after the 1:00 games.   I have to work tonight, and I didn't sleep all that late this morning, so I want a lot of sleep before work tonight.  I will miss the Bears/Steelers game tonight.  It should be an interesting game.   Steelers are struggling, and are 0-2.  They are definitely in a must win situation today.  Bears need to get better.   They do some good things, but need to improve.  They are 2-0, and they beat two playoff teams from last year at home.   Cincy is one of the teams they beat, and Cincy is a pretty good team.   Minnesota I am not sure how good they will be.  We'll see. 

I actually feel really good today.   My blog and my life is a lot like yours.   You will never know what you will get from yourself day in day out.  Good mood, bad mood.  Energetic??   Fatigued??  Happy?? Sad??  Motivated??   Lazy??   If we could bottle up all the good stuff we would sure do that huh??  

Oh well, it is Football Sunday.   I will be sat in front of my tee veeee today watching, and enjoying Football Sunday.   I am going to get a pizza around 3:00 PM too.   Good times Good times.   :)

That is it for today!!!    :)

Thanks for reading!!!    :)

Hope Everyone has a Great and Awesome Day!!!    :)

xo's!!!    :)

Love You All!!!    :)

p.s.  I heard "Fat-Bottomed Girls" by Queen today.   I am going to jam that now.  I love that song.   :)

Love You All  xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Ya'All are the best  xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Extras of these  xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Extras of these  xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Now for really really cya cya cya    :D     :D  

Switching It Up Again Today...

Good Morning All.  How's it going??  Me, I am doing okay.  Been better and been worse.   I am switching it up again today in that I am blogging and then running.  It feels pretty good to be running again.  

Want to know something strange that happens to seemingly every single one of my injuries??   As you know it is mostly some kind of leg issue I deal with.   By the time I am done with the end of my recovery, I forget which leg was injured.   I feel a little something on my right heel right now, but it seems I have had a little discomfort for a long while.   The stabbing death pain injury I had before I cannot say for sure if it was on my left or right leg.   I don't remember.   I swear that happens all the time too.   I recover, and feel a little something, but cannot say for sure if that was the previously injured leg or not.   I should probably keep track of that.  

As I have put it on this blog, I guess I am keeping track of it, except I rarely rarely ever go back on this thing.  Want to know something interesting about this blog???   Well, maybe only interesting to me.   Hold on I am going to check on something...  Ahhh,   Here is my first post.  Feb. 23 2010.  I was kinda joking around about the tough week I had before I deleted the Journey, and opened up the Wait.   Told you nothing about the why did I??   Now you know though huh??   I survived #2 of 3.   Delivered up to the Judges.  A serious serious thing.   You have to make it out of there in the correct way.   With a strength you don't have, and all kinds of other things.  

With a strength I could never ever possess on my own, I was willing to do God's will, no matter what that meant.  That was the story of ages ago.  You think it was something easy and stuff like that, but it wasn't.  Judged, and destined for Hell.  Everyone thinks it was come back to life, but it was overcoming the World.   Overcoming the desires and wishes one would have, and do what was asked. 

The Lord's prayer doesn't say "My will be done..."  does it??  

So yeah, a long long way to go.   You have held on and held on and held on, and I am afraid that is a serious serious thing.  We don't see the seriousness of it though, because he lets us go our own foolish way for quite a while.   Remember how far I fell, only to be told how far I was, and only one thing I could do.  I had to be obedient outside the Garbage room of Bromenn Healthcare.  I was mad, and I wanted to rebel, but I thought why not do the smart thing.   Once again when I decided to do the smart and correct thing, I knew right was done right away.   Then started the horrible Summer. 

A lot of hidden stuff.  Stuff you don't see, and things like that.  I cannot help you much with the stuff you need to do.  It is a Spiritual Journey.  These are things we don't see.  As it says thy will be done it helps me know my place.   I can do so very very little.   Eventually you will have to do the right and smart things, and I cannot pull any strings to get you to that spot.  

So wishing you the best of luck.   I try to help in the very very very very little way I can, but like I said it is your journey.  Your solo journey, and your path, and stuff.   I am still here doing what I do.  

Now it is time to run.  

Hope Everyone has a Great day.   :)

That is it for today!!!    :)

Thanks for reading!!!    :)

Hope Everyone has a Great and Awesome Day!!!    :)

xo's!!!    :)

Love You All!!!   :)

p.s.   Kinda failed at my drink thing last night.   I had a couple, but wasn't really feeling it.   Oh well. 

Love You All  xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Ya'All are the best  xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Extras of these  xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Extras of these  xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Now for really really cya cya cya    :D     :D  

Let's See If We Can Find Something...

Good Afternoon All.  How's it going??  Me, I am doing pretty good.  I don't have anything to blog about today, hence the title.   Work was brutal last night.   Thursday is our hardest day, and we typically have to work late with 4 people on.   Scheduling got messed up, and we only had 3.  

I think in my post yesterday I was a little whiny BITCH.  I don't know why.   I do this a lot, and you never know how I will feel.   I have a feeling you people are all the same too.   A different day, a different mood.  Try to get to the bottom of you why don't you??  It isn't possible.   You don't control you.   If you did you would make yourself different many different days.  

This blog is a certain way, and I don't always know which way it goes.   Some days it gets pretty heavy and sometimes not.  

In my update yesterday I complained a bit about life is boring kinda.   Our lives kinda are.  You have not created some little niche of Heaven in your life.  It didn't happen.   It isn't going to, but we always try to convince people of it huh??  We have got the ultimate plan.   We have set up the perfect life, and yadda yadda yadda. 

Ummm, well you didn't, and you are not going to, and it isn't in your power.  Maybe there is a thinly veiled threat/warning to what I wrote yesterday.   I am unimpressed with the life you created.  I don't think it is really all that great, because that is the outcome of all our plans and ideas we use.  

My life has gone a certain way, and I have written many many things.  Always a common theme though.  Life is kinda a certain way though huh??   People have to learn their own lessons, and people have to find their own way, because who is going to pay attention to someone else when it is our life??

Maybe that is how I am patient.  Knowing our shortcomings, and imperfections, and the zero amount of ability to do anything of lasting significance gives you an honest, but good perspective. 

The truth of us is good, and it is the way to go, and along this path of truth comes some bracing and stuff.   Eventually we get to the point where we realize we really are not all that.   When we get there we realize we got some searching to do. 

So I am here to tell you your work is not done.   You have more to do.  You have done nothing of lasting significance, and you do not have the ability to be the people you can be.   We have a long long way to go, and you do not have the power, strength, knowledge, wisdom, to do this on your own.   You on your own can do very very little.  

So Welcome to Humble Pie Avenue.   Something we can always use a slice of huh???


That is it for today!!!    :)

Thanks for reading!!!    :)

Hope Everyone has a Great and Awesome Day!!!   :)

xo's!!!    :)

Love You All!!!    :)

p.s.   I have the day off, so I think I'll get my drink on.   :)    HAHA  Lisa is going out with the girls. 

Love You All  xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Ya'All are the best  xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Extras of these  xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Extras of these  xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Now for really really cya cya cya    :D     :D 

Against My Better Judgment??

Good Morning All.  How's it going??  Me, I am doing okay.  Against my better judgement perhaps, I went for another run this morning.  10:00 pace again, and 2.92 miles or something like that.  Heel actually felt a bit better than yesterday, so I guess that is good.  I beat the rain too.   It was lightning the whole run, but now the rain started.  

So what is going on with me??   Nothing.   I had a good day off yesterday.   I didn't get as much done as I wanted, but I have all day today.   I biked to the movies, and saw "The Family"  It was good.  Jerry replaced our thermocouple so we have hot water now.  

Other than that not much going on.   I am going to go see another movie today too, because why not right?? 

Want to know what I was thinking about earlier??  I was thinking from the outside my life has got to look boring as Hell.   Perhaps even this blog, I don't know.   I accept the boring way my life looks.   I think all lives are pretty boring.   What do you people do during the week??  What % of your time is go go go?  What % is sleep? How much time is left over??  What do you do with the left over time??

This year is way way different for me.   Blogging is harder I think.  Maybe not.  Maybe I just think there is less and less of a point to me blogging.   This blog is dumb kinda I think.  I accept all things about life. 

I accept my life can be boring.   I accept life kinda sucks in many facets.   I accept this may be dumb and boring.  

You know the saying home is where your heart is??   My heart isn't here is it??    :)

That is it for today!!!    :)

Thanks for reading!!!    :)

Hope Everyone has a Great and Awesome Day!!!    :)

xo's!!!    :)

Love You All!!!     :)

p.s.  Life is kinda strange huh.   You live you live you live, and then all of a sudden you are 40, and then 50, and on and on and on.  

Love You All  xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Ya'All are the best  xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Extras of these  xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Extras of these  xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Now for really really cya cya cya    :D     :D  

I Ran Today... yay. :)

Good Morning All.  How's it going??  Me, I am doing pretty good.   I know I know you are thinking what is going on??  Whenever Steve would run early morning, he would always blog first.   Well, I am changing things up around here a bit.   I ran first and now am blogging.  

Run wasn't bad.  I am out of shape.   It was a little under 3 miles @ 9:52 pace.  I have an app thingy for my phone, and it keeps track of that, so I guess I will keep track of it too.   It is always nice to see what your easy pace is.   Gets you a bit of a feel for what your fast pace is.   So, as you can tell I need to cut off around 1:30/mile off my easy pace.   My legs are tired from after the run.  That is how long it has been.   Heel seems okay, so I will run again in a couple days.   Oh, and yes when something gets taken away, and you get it back.   It is... well I don't know,  it is good though.  Now I am having  a cup of coffee.  

I have a couple things to do today.   Jerry is supposed to come over sometime today, and switch out my thermocouple to the water heater again.   I think we got a lemon.  I don't think thermocouples are supposed to go bad so often, and this one is a bitch to get to.   A lot of hoops to jump through to switch it out.  I watched him last time, so I think I can probably do it, but I'll leave it to the pros.   If it goes bad again in 6 months, I will just switch out the stupid water heater. 

So I am stoked.  It appears I am running again.   I hope to put together a couple weeks of 3 milers, and then hopefully be ready for Winter running.   I am thinking of biking to the movies today too.   I picked up stuff for dinner already for tonight and tomorrow.  I did that yesterday.  Simple good meals.   Other than that just some house cleaning and stuff. 

Gotta love a day off.   :) 

Hope you all have to work long tiresome hours today while I am having a nice fun relaxing day.   :)  If any Moms read this blog I hope you have a lot of appointments and Soccer practices, and homework, and stuff to do.   I'll be thinking of ya.   :))

That is it for today!!!    :)

Thanks for reading!!!    :)

Hope Everyone has a Great and Awesome Day!!!    :)

xo's!!!    :)

Love You All!!!    :)

p.s.  nothing better than an early morning run.   :)  WOOOP   WOOOOOOP!!    :)

Love You All   xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Ya'All are the best  xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Extras of these  xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Extras of these  xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Now for really really cya cya cya    :D     :D  

It's Like A Weekend...

Good Afternoon all.  How's it going?   Me, I am doing pretty okay I guess.   I am not sure I always know what kind of mood I am in when I wake up.   It seemed like I was not in such a great mood today, but the sun is out.   I have the next couple days off.  I will probably start running tomorrow, and all seems pretty good I guess. 

I thought about yesterday's post last night at work.   I think it was a bit of a doozie, but maybe people didn't take it that way.   Who knows??   Life is a certain way.   People have been doing it a certain way for a long time.   Trying at this, trying at that.   That is good.  Nothing wrong with that, and actually isn't life better if you do that type of stuff??  You get to know a bit about people while working with them.   I think as far as my type of work I do, I have always been a "can do"  kind of person.  You see how better it is to be that way than the other way. 

The other way is a poison in life.   I think it brings out a bunch of bad stuff.  Complacency, lazy, no drive.  Do the minimum type stuff.   One guy I work with complains about financial problems, but always wants to leave early.   He feels life owes him I guess, and that is a good thought to throw away too.   Life doesn't owe you crap.  You want something you'll have to go after it.  

I think that is what I am trying to say too.   There are two lives we all live.   We live our Earthly life, and also there is the Spiritual life we live... You know that stuff that makes us smarter than the ashes and dust we'll turn into??  

Anyway I don't want you to confuse the two lives.   Your earthly stuff you do is what = zero points.   Don't put too much importance on it, or redeeming value type stuff in any of the crap you do.  That stuff is different.  People kinda are poisoned with I am good, because I do this and that.   Well the two are separate, and points do not come from the Earthly crap. 

The points I talk about you cannot get.   No amount of work you do will get you those points.   This is the stuff you people mostly miss.   This blog, and previous ones though have been helping you open your eyes.  Not the Earthly ones, but the other ones.   The other ones that have been closed.  

The eyesight as far as I can tell is pretty weak.   You miss a lot.  Part of the problem is you maybe have been placing too much emphasis on your day to day stuff.   Day to day stuff helps us stay busy.   Helps us strive for something, and makes us decent folks in Society, but that isn't all there is.   Strings needed to be pulled to open you up to the other side.  

The Earthly story of us no matter which way you slice it is a pretty crappy story.    The World sucks so our lives will be like that too in some manner or another.   We sought out perfection, but you weren't going to find it here.   Unconditional love??   Nope.   It isn't here.   We are all imperfect, and we like the type of people we like etc...

There is another story though, and it is a story of redemption really.   A story of forgiveness, and all the possibilities of the good things out there, but we don't see.   It is a place where fairy tales do come true.  We just don't know what those fairy tales are.   For me it is a tale of suffering.   Suffer many things in this life, and all the reasons I know not, but even still these things I have suffered = I still don't deserve what I have been seeking.    You can go to all 4 corners of the Earth, and still not be able to find/work your way to what I found.  

I found the Garden of Eden.   A place where I am not ashamed of who I am.   A place where I am accepted, and a place many of us will be heading I guess.   I don't know the story, and how it goes.   We shall see, but you have to accept this truth.   All your Earthly deeds do not matter in the eyes of the one with the best vision, because he is looking at other stuff.

I wouldn't write this stuff if I didn't know it was true.  Your Earthly life is going on and on and on, and you are doing whatever.   The Spiritual life we barely have begun, even if we have begun at all.

So accept the truth, and deal with it.   Realize we are to embark on this Journey, and it is one of learning.   One of forgiveness, and one of finding out about us, and what really makes us up.  

Try not to confuse things.   Try not to place too much importance on things that in the Grand Scheme of things really do not matter.   mmmmkay????    :)


That is it for today!!!    :)

Thanks for reading!!!    :)

Hope Everyone has a Great and Awesome Day!!!    :)

xo's!!!    :)

Love You All!!!    :)

p.s.   I am going to start running again tomorrow.   Hopefully early morning.   WOOOP  WOOOP!!  

Love You All   xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Ya'All are the best  xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Extras of these  xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Extras of these  xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Now for really really cya cya cya     :D     :D   

Some Days I Look Inside When I Wake Up...

Good Afternoon all.  How's it going??  Me, I am doing pretty good.   Some days like today I have absolutely nothing to blog about at all.   I look inside me, and things seem pretty okay.  My heart seems upbeat, so I guess I can blog. 

Not that I don't blog when I am in a bad mood, but it seems to me if I blog it should go okay.  Why do I blog??   A good question.   I know sometimes I make people mad about stuff.   I never know why. 

Want to know something weird about me??   Something that happened long ago, and it explains a lot of my confidence??   It was the night many Summers ago when I gave up.  I couldn't go on, and I couldn't go back to that place I was.  There was a warning a long time ago.   It went something like this:   " I wish you would realize you will pay for all the words you say on the day of judgement." 

cryptic huh??   I always wondered what that meant, but I have a feeling it was really about those 3 days, and how it ended.   I cursed,  I was sooo mad.   Why did I have to live this stupid life only to go back there.   It was the cruelest thing ever done to me, and I vented my frustration.   It wasn't the only time I have had one side heated exchanges, but it was the worst.   It was the only time I could never go on.   I couldn't do it. 

That night my heart was taken.   I don't know what that means to you, but it was placed in good hands.  Up above away from eyesight where no no one can get to it.  So I trust it.   I mean it may have taken a while, but I have been a certain way since "the wait" has started, and not afraid to go off on a limb. 

It is confidence I was given.   Confidence to go on and do the things I do.  Maybe that is the one enticing thing about who you are.   Don't you want confidence??   Don't you want to be assured??

You have to walk the plank kinda huh??   You hold onto this and that, because to let go means you stand alone.   You stand naked.   There is nothing to prop you up.   My life and I am worthwhile because I do???   I've done???   I am striving for??? 

I know I said a long time ago I was going to take everything away from you.   All the things you use to prop you up, because you have to stand naked, before you can see.  When I do take all these things away you will not feel secure, and you will be afraid, and really that is what it is all about. 

You live on your own merits.   The one thing you have to show for you is your life.   It isn't the stuff you show people etc...  it is everything.   Everything about you, and it isn't what the people think that matters. 

I have gone through hard stuff, and I have done hard stuff, and much has been written about me.  It is a nutty story, and I know what is asked of me. 

It has been a long journey to where I am now.   A lot of stuff I learned.   The hard thing about this thing is you cannot walk in my shoes.   You don't know the things I know, and you cannot see what I see. 

I am a couple steps ahead so to speak, and I don't know what to make of it.   I try to help in the little ways I can, but that isn't much. 

Oh well.   Not really a lot to say.   I know you hold on, and I guess it is scary to let go.   The scary blind step.  I get how hard it is. 

Oh well...


That is it for today!!!    :)

Thanks for reading!!!    :)

Hope Everyone has a Great and Awesome Day!!!    :)

xo's!!!    :)

Love You All!!!    :)

p.s.  work today, and then 2 days off.   I think I can start running soon too.   

Love You All  xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Ya'All are the best  xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Extras of these  xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Extras of these  xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Now for really really cya cya cya   :D    :D  

To See Where Each Avenue Leads...

Good Morning All.   How's it going?  Me, I am doing okay I guess.  I had one of those weird nights where I was up really early.   I was wondering what to do.  Should I start running??  Try to get a couple miler in to see how my heel is doing.  I watched the end of the Wisconsin game, and it was a horrible ending.  The team who should have won the game lost it, because the refs were being stupid.  The QB made a stupid play too I guess.   Oh well.  

Anyway the new theme of me is I went back to bed.   I didn't really sleep all too much, but it felt really good to be under the covers nice and warm.   I had a couple dogs, and a little kitten next to me too, while my wife was snoring away.   ;)   shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.  

I liked relaxing, and I liked being comfortable, and warm, and secure, and all that stuff.   I then started thinking about all kindsa things.  I was thinking of Colorado, and the floods.  What a mess.  I thought about me.   I got a glimpse of how a "normal" person would be.   HA!!   Those kind of looks are kinda funny.  I think about this blog, and how it has worked for quite a while, and WOWsers it is a weird blog.  

I was thinking of things like confidence, and boy oh boy is that a great thing to have huh??   No one walks this Earth with as much confidence as me I bet.   Not that I will do great things or be this great person, but assured of the direction I am going.   Assured by promises that all will go well.  I took a glimpse toward the end of all avenues.   I looked to see where they all lead.  What a sad view.  

You cannot see it I don't think, because we are always looking for what the best path we can think of is.   I have come along and brought sad news.   All paths/avenues lead nowhere.   I see it, and I know it, and how can you explain it??  

We get all tangled up in our lives, and it really is suffocating in ways.   So much information out there.   So many things to learn.   So much stuff to do day to day to stay up with Society.   All our best laid plans.  

Me being how I am it is kinda hard to get all excited about too too many things.  Life is full of a lot of glamor, and sparkles and stuff, but I see through it.   I know it doesn't last.  People want to hold onto this life that Society has tried to dazzle us with.  Look at all the great fancy things out there.   Look at all these great things we can do. 

Life has been going on for quite a while.  People not too unlike you and me have been around for Centuries, and their deeds go mostly unnoticed.   We don't care about what they have done.   Our view of our life is big.  That really is kind of a false view. 

In the Grand scheme of things we are not all that important.   People hold on though, because trust is lacking.  If you had trust you would have the strength to follow the path that is well lit from the one with the best vision.  The vision you can muster from your 5 and 10 year plans is pretty poor.  

I mean look at Colorado.   Boulder.   There plans have changed.   The Jersey Boardwalk thing.  Any Hurricanes that might happen.   What if Currencies crash, or more Wars start.   So much outside of our control, but we hold on.  

I know I know what good does it do me to know these things??  To see the end of each avenue??   You would think I may be able to help people along with some of this info, but you know at the end of the day life is you.  You and you alone.   All marriage certificates, and credit card statements, and pieces of paper say that we did this and that, don't get used after we are gone.   They mean nothing.   These are some of the best things men and women have thought up, but life is about you.  You and you alone.   All walks are solo.  We have families and stuff like that, but you really have to find your own way, and then maybe you can help people along, but it is no walk in the park.  

I have been going on a while, and I feel like I accomplish nothing.   Maybe that is a good thing though so I always know my place.   I always know what I am capable of. 

The answer to that is not much.   I trust my heart to lead me in the right ways.   The ways that help support if needed, and perhaps to discipline if that is needed too.  

Oh well.  

That is it for today!!!    :)

Thanks for reading!!!    :)

Hope Everyone has a Great and Awesome Day!!!    :)

xo's!!!    :)

Love You All!!!    :)

p.s.   I find it kinda funny how much I am getting into sleep these days.  I am cool with it though.  

Love You All   xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Ya'All are the best  xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Extras of these xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Extras of these  xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Now for really really cya cya cya    :D     :D 

You'd Never Know...

I am beat.   I am sore.  My hamstrings are tight.  You would think I have been doing a lot of stuff, but it is all work related.  Lifting bending down etc...    Ever spend a day planting crap, and wake up the next day with tight hamstrings??  That is how I feel. 

I came home after work last night absolutely beat.  One of those night where there was a crap load to do.   I had to work my ass off just to leave 1 hour late.  I have to work tonight, and I don't even know where to begin.   On my nights where I am the one in charge, I like to leave the place better than when I found it.    Going to be a challenge tonight.   :)   I don't know where to begin.  These are the types of challenges I am usually pretty good at.   We'll see...

I am going to get me some coffee.  Hold on.  

Okay, I am back.  Is there anything going on with me??  Nope.  I am just living this exciting life of mine.  I don't really have anything to blog about, and who knows why??   I have some ideas of how life works, and how people work, and I think the last thing anyone wants is for people to know them.  

I remember talking to my Dad during one of my real real low points in life.   I was like you know what??  No one knows me.   I was kinda under pressure in the college days to be the fun guy, or maybe my own built in pressure.  I don't know.  It isn't hard to talk a person into going out and having fun.   I definitely had to grow up and learn some things.   Eventually I did, and Graduated College, and stuff.   Once I applied myself I was able to do pretty well.   I wasn't too horrible when I didn't apply myself too too much.   When I didn't apply myself at all, I was pretty bad.   :)  

What did it matter??   What was all that stuff growing up, and learning to apply myself at work and play.   The great balance.   What did it matter if I had to go and do the things I had to do anyway??  Is there any value in it at all??  My life really was get up.  Make sense of things.  Apply yourself to this, and this.   Become respectable.  etc...   Only to have your life thrown to the wolves.  

Seems nutty huh??  Kinda nutty I had to do all this hard horrible stuff to get where I am, and even so what did it amount to??   I guess all you can say is there is one who knows my life, and my path and my journey.   No one else does, and it was all for him. 

Maybe that is what the lady meant too when she told me to have the patience of Job.  Would I be faithful til the end.   Well, yes I was, because of help.  To go through the things I have gone through, and still be able to mostly be like this.  I am okay.   I am not too shabby.  

I lived a life where my past was hidden.   No one could see, and believe it or not I was blinded to a lot of it too.   Then at some point it opened up, and I was able to tell the story. 

It is a story of possibilities.   A story of enduring, and patience, and if this blog is one thing it sure is steadfast.   It is a story of perseverance and diligence.   The building blocks.   Remember that night during my bad Summer when I was supposed to go out and find/search for something.   Not knowing what it was, but that was it.  I thought I was supposed to walk all night, but I fell asleep outside.   That is how that Summer went.   I couldn't walk all night, so I felt I was horrible.   Worst person ever, and going to Hell, because of it.  This isn't self doubt or anything like that.   I was an open book.   Poor in Spirit where I could be open to all sorts of attacks, and I was that Summer.   Every second of every day, except maybe that hour or so we played basketball.   For just that little while life was a bit okay. 

Nothing could prep me for what I had to go through.  There was no manual, and no book written.  That is where you stand too.   You cannot find your answers in a book, and a manual etc...   You find them in life.   In the gentle ways you get pulled, and sometimes the not so gentle ways, which help open your eyes.   When our eyes become opened we become less arrogant.   Less confident, because when we feel we are all that, we are probably not in the best spot for us.  

So the strings of life have to be tugged for all of us. and sometimes it is really hard hard stuff that maybe doesn't seem fair.   Life isn't fair though.   All our formulas for success, and work ethic, and Human values we place on things will never ever help you in the life I lived. 

There is a whole other World out there of vast possibilities that are unseen to the Human eye.  It is a hard journey from where we began to where our eyesight becomes better.   I had to do stuff for many reasons, and this is one of the funny ones.   From outside the garbage room of Bromenn Healthcare to past blogs and the Wait.   I have still yet to see any fruits of my labor.  All the rewards are elsewhere though where no one can get them.

Wouldn't that be something if I am actually doing stuff.   I see no outcome of it, but still a lot is being done??    Maybe that drives me a bit crazy, or maybe we really haven't done anything at all.   I think in my hear I will know when things are going good though.  

Things could probably be better.

cya.   

Where Did All This Sleep Come From??

Holy crap have I been sleeping the last couple days.  I mean like clockwork you can plan on when I am up, I am up.   Game over, time to start the day.   Yesterday I was up, and went back to bed twice.   Once til 8:00 AM.  I then had to run an errand, and went back to bed til like 1:00 PM.   Last night I slept a bit.  Went out to get ice cream and slept/stayed in bed til 9:00 this morning.  That never happens, and I feel like still laying in bed.  

I don't know what that is about.  It isn't like I am depressed or anything like that.  Just tired I guess.  I have a shit load to do today.  We are having an exterminator come in our house and gas the Hell out of it to get rid of fleas, and we also have some roaches too.   You might think we are slobs here, and we aren't the neatest, but the roaches came from an outside source.  I think the bad part of the fleas are from people who used to live here.    The bad part is downstairs where they used to live.  Lisa had to clean up after they left, and she said it was gross.   Sometimes you have no idea about people.  You try to help people out and they are slobs??  

Whatever.   I am about through with helping people out.   People typically don't deserve it.  Grow up on someone else's dime right??  So I have to vacuum the Hell out of the house today, and take everything out of the kitchen cabinets.   Fun fun. 

Anything else going on??   Nope.   Have I changed??  Am I different??  Nope. 

Well here is something about me.  Maybe I said it before and maybe I haven't.   I have no agenda.   I go as I feel.   I do not manipulate events to a certain outcome, because I cannot.   There is a plan out there.  It isn't mine, and it will be done, and it isn't because of me.   I cannot do anything to help people.   This is your life, your decisions, and you live with your own consequences.   You will probably have help by being pulled this way or that way, but it won't be because of me.  

So, I have a lot going for me.   My whole life is where my strength comes from.  I know a lot about people, and I leave it for them to figure out.   I learned many things in a hard difficult fashion, and I expect others will too. 

So with me not able to do much of anything, and a plan being done in which I have no say, I can sit on the sidelines and watch a bit huh??  If there is tough stuff that needs to be done, then we'll see from which direction it comes from.  I have done a lot over the past couple years, and to not much avail.   I tried to make things easier for people, but I wasn't important enough, and who has time to pay attention??  

I am not mad about anything, I am just stating fact.  At least to how I see it.  I haven't been perfect by any stretch, because that is not within my ability.   I don't sacrifice my life for a minimal gain in something here or there.   I've done enough really. 

I have given people some answers.   Good answers I found out going through a lot of hard hard times, but they don't listen, or don't pay attention, or don't have time to read this.   I don't know.  

Maybe you trust yourself too much.   Maybe you cannot see your inner voice.  Who knows??   A lot has to be done, and we have yet to even start though.   This has been going on for years too.   Crazy huh??  

You think I am patient.   HA!!!   You don't know patience, but when you are not bound by time I guess you can be that way huh??  

Oh well,  a lot to do, a lot to do.  

Laterzzzzz.   :)

What Am I Thinking Today???

Good Morning all.   How's it going??  Me, I am doing pretty good.  Just doing this thing I do, and you want to know what I was thinking about before getting up?? 

How much of a disappointment am I??  I mean I have been given plenty of tools to be able to do things, but they don't work.   I have gone on month after month with plenty of patience, but it falters.  I have given my whole life for a purpose.  I have been obedient to the things asked of me, and I have been given enough perseverance to survive the things that just showed up inside me to have some hard days. 

I have endured people's burdens when they were not able.   It is the burdens you have to endure too, because you cannot leave it in. 

So I have been given a lot to be able to do a lot.   Not much has really worked so great.  Many reasons, but you don't trust.  Your vision is not so great.  Why??   You hold onto your life.  The step in trust you were supposed to make you cannot.   Do you see how weak you are??   Do you see the things you hold onto?? 

And for what??   Why do you hold onto things?? 

I don't see happiness in you.  I don't see contentment.  If you were given a path that is the right path, and it leads to a better you, and a happier you why wouldn't you take it?? 

Although this blog is sometimes about you, I guess it is about me too.   You know what I was thinking early this morning what kind of disappointment am I?   The answer I feel surprisingly is I am not.  

"Those who love me are those who do as I say"   Maybe that is why.   Also the promise I was given soooo sooooooooooooo   sooooooooooooooooooooo  long ago.   "I will save you from anything you get yourself into."  

I thought why???  Because of this that or the other??  

Nope.  You know the surprising answer I got??   It was because I was able to make the turn.   I was able to overcome myself.    Have I told you about that before??   I forgot about it.  I was surprised about the answer. 

It was an important time in my life.   Ohhhhhhhhhhhh, did I want want want.   I denied myself, and actually was asked to do something else too.   I was asked to go into an interview and take my name out of consideration for the promotion.  It would have set me up in my mind.  

So yeah, I was asked to do some seemingly crazy stuff.  I was to look the fool.  The night before I was supposed to go in, I just asked for the courage to go through and do it. 

I cannot tell you the timing of all things.   Mom died, me almost cheating on Katrina with the blonde, me confessing to the cute blonde at work my shameful deeds.  Meeting Lora,  eye of the needle.   All this stuff, I don't remember the timing, but I do recall now how important the turn is.   It was no walk in the park I guess, but it is important.  

If you read this you know about it, and you have choices.  Go on with your lives the way they are heading.   Where you don't feel contentment.  Where there is no smile in your voice/writing.   Where you know in your heart what you do means very little.  I can read it in you.  You cannot hide from your inner voice.  I know you try to hide it behind this and that, but I see it.   You cannot fool me.  

I have been through too much, and I know too much, and do you see how sad you are??   Do you see how life really is???  Can you see your voice like I do??? 

Wahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!    :(

In a game of trust many of you lack, but I sense some of you don't.  

I guess that is about it for today.   :)


xoxoxoxoxoxo   all.    :))

Me vs. Life...

Good Afternoon all.  How's it going??  Me, I am doing pretty good.   I slept good last night... err this morning.   I am off of work the next two days, and am pretty stoked about it.  I am thinking of just having a lazy day today, because I am tired.  I can do all kindsa stuff the next two days. 

As to my title, I was thinking about me and my relation with life, and I thought about other people.  A step ahead huh??   I am not searching for anything.  I am not searching for meaning in my life.  I have nothing to prove to the World.   I have nothing to prove to myself.  I am not afraid of the future.  

I honestly have no idea what people think about.  One thing I think people think about is life is hard.   Life is busy.   A lot to plan for our Futures.   A lot of stuff to do every day just to stay 2-3 steps behind.   Stress.  Life has stress.  

We cannot read the Future.  The sad thing about life is people may feel they can work their way to a better Future, but that is not the case.   So much of what happens in life is out of our control.   A lot of what happens in life is in control of the people wearing suits making decisions. 

Life is full of pomp and ceremony, and that kind of crap just shields our eyes from what is real.  I mean real shit is like poverty, and Wars, and Killing, and Disease, and Intimidation.   All these nameless people who are suffering horrible lives, I don't know them.   Who are these people??   These people have been around since forever, because life has always sucked for the multitudes.   You know what??  Even the upper 1% are not fully satisfied.  

Life should have always been more huh??   It should have meant more.   There should be a better way out there for me to feel good about life, and Can I not do something good?? 

Life is this crazy thing where there are no points to be had.  All our lives have always been pretty pointless, and we have done nothing of worth. 

That is where I stand too.  Me vs. Life I have won.  It was a long time, and a lot of stuff, but I win.   I can walk in the parking lot at work, and feel pretty good.   My days are free, because well I am the luckiest guy in the World.   Out of nowhere I won the Lottery of life.  I have one more big thing left, and even some small stuff maybe, because I find myself thinking of some people here and there still.  It isn't always easy to keep a smile on is it?? 

Oh well just getting something down.   Laterzzzz.   :)

The Story Of My Life...

Good Morning all... errr afternoon.   How's it going??   Me, I am doing okay I'd say.   I slept really good this morning.  That is good.   I don't really have a lot to blog about, and that is what I was thinking is the story of my life.  

My life??   What do you make of it??   It sure isn't exciting by any stretch.  I fill up my life with as much stupid crap as everyone else.   :)    Hold on, I have to go let Jazz out.  BRB...


Okay, I am back.   So what is going on with me??  Nothing at all.  Life as we know it.   I have to bike in a bit, and do a load of laundry. 

What is the story of this blog here??  It runs in place.   month after month after month.  This blog is called the wait, and I bet your life can be called the wait huh??  Waiting for answers.  Waiting for meaning.   I sometimes lately look at the totality of this blog and think.... ummm, I can use a little help here. 

My whole life is the Wait though huh??   My hard times after Graduating College to what am I here for??   This World looked very ugly, and this life... THIS LIFE,   what can I make of it??  So I go through my things, and come out the other side.   Waiting for my meaning.   What am I to do with my life.   Then it came like that.   Like a thief in the night really.  Suffer for 6 days, and finally get to a place where I am good, and confident, and OMG... I mean OMG, I am one of the best people in the World.   Only to have it all taken away, and me led on a solo journey.   More suffering, and a bad Summer of learning, and really more waiting to be honest. 

I found the answers I was looking for, and actually they were just given me.   Everything moved quick back then, and that is how real the SHIT is.   The hidden things in this World move quick.  They are VERY serious, and it is things you don't know about. 

You can be given a quick glimpse of your life.  It is a sword kinda, and it shows you the wrongs you have done people.  How you hurt them.   I saw some of the crappy things I did to people while growing up.   I suffered from wanting to be more humble than I felt I was. 

There is a person I wanted to be, and the person who I really was.   Maybe we all are in the same boat??  

I am here now though.   I guess the best you can say about me is I am accepted.   My life has purpose.  I have come to terms with the wrongs I have done, and the wrongs done to me.   Maybe that is what everyone is really afraid to look at.   Our life. 

You are getting older.  Life is going on, and is this it??  Is this as exciting as it gets??  You know me a bit now.  I feel life can be busy, but most all of the stuff we do doesn't matter.  By the time we are 6' in the ground we won't care what we have done, and all our trophies no one cares about. 

Even Van Gogh currently doesn't give a crap about any of his paintings.   Thomas Jefferson isn't thinking about the slave girls he had relations with. 

Life is a Journey from  birth to death.  Something we don't escape, and something everyone else has done.   I found a way to put a little crack in the space/time continuum.   I broke the line, and it is all done with a turn. 

My whole life was all about overcoming what I want.   Overcome me me me, and accept your will.   I am different, and I have been through a lot, and there is no way I could ever ever ever have done what I have done without help. 

It seems the first step was all me though.  I want I want I want, but I overcame my heart and said "ButYour Will".  

The rest I could not have done on my own.  I needed help.  I have seen things, and suffered things, and yet in my heart is the desire to help.  Like I said though I am running in place with this thing, so once again I ask for some help.   I am not the author of this story, and I am not the author of this life.  I ask.

I know too a lot of times the help we ask for comes in the form of blessing in disguise type stuff.   So brace yourself.  Be strong, because I surely don't know what will happen, but a lot of learning comes through difficult times, and stuff.  

So here is to you.   :)    I gotsta ride my bike now. 

Have a fab one all.   :)   xoxoxoxo,   and xxxxxxxxxxx,   I forgot those yesterday.   :)

MWAH!!!     :))

A Brand New Day...

Good Afternoon all.  How's it going??  Me, I am doing pretty okay I'd say.  Actually I feel very good.  Not sure why.   It isn't like life just got all exciting, and great, or anything like that, I just feel pretty good. 

It isn't like I am going to get some great workout in today, because I am not.  I just have some pushups to do.  It isn't like I am going to be working hard at anything.  I will watch Football.   You may thing today will be a horrible day, because it is one where my Social Networking thing will be loaded with Triathlon stuff.   :)  I don't care, it doesn't bug me, and actually I am pretty interested to see how one person does on her Marathon at IMWI. 

I like everyone else goes through hard spells.   I can see the reasons for some of it, and they are probably not great reasons.   All for good though means hard times for me make people stronger.   Is that arrogant??   Maybe, maybe not, but I know who I am.   I know what I am asked to do.   I've laid down a story of one where I am not all that.   I am not some great person who was going to work himself toward being great in something.  I would have, because I had the drive. 

The story of me took a different turn.  It led me on this path here, and it is a hard path, and one people have to take.   I am sorry to say we are all Human, which already makes us really not that great in the scheme of things.   We are really not all that smart compared to what is out there.   You  cannot work your way to a better you.  We are here on this Earth with hopefully a realistic view of our life.   Our weaknesses, our limited ability to do anything of much value at all.  

I know some stuff about this World and us, and a lot of it is... I don't even know what to say about it.   We are Humans, maybe just a tiny tiny step above the Beasts that wander the field.   You see how we are all born into a false sense of we are worth a lot??   I know that sounds negative, but it is the truth.   We are here on this Earth not really doing anything of any lasting value.   Then we all die.  

Now I have told of ways to get points, and actually do things that matter.  It is something we cannot do on our own.  Our lives without the help I speak are pointless lives that do not matter, no matter what kind of spin you put on it. 

The best logic we can muster for a life that matters is shallow at best.  

I am here saying though today is a brand new day for me.   I feel good, and that I like.  

Later all.   Have a fab one.  :)  xoxo

A Bad Blogging Week For Me...

Good Morning all.  How's it going??  Me, I am doing pretty good.  What constitutes a bad blogging week for me??  One where I don't blog.   I haven't looked, but it has been a while, and I usually do it a lot.   What would cause me to not blog??   Well,  when you feel no one reads it, and it is boring for people to read, etc...  

I haven't gone back to read anything, but I know in times past I'd reread some stuff, and think.  This blog isn't horrible. 

I am not unlike you, and it makes this thing tough.   I have good in me, and bad.   For me you want to get to the good stuff, because that is where victory is.   To get to the bad stuff in me... "The Great Sword"  you just play into the hands of the bad one. 

There are many ways for that to happen, and one of which is making me feel this blog is dumb.  This blog is not important, and I in fact am not important.   You should know me well enough to know I can be as solo as I want.   Part of my story, and part of my Journey.  To stand alone in this World with my 2 feet with the assurance of me.   The assurance of who I am, what I have done, and what I continue to do.  To be on my good side you have to do tough stuff.   Honest stuff.   Not good stuff, but the horrible harsh and less than perfect truth of us. 

So have I asked you to do tough stuff??  Ummm, yes.   What have I asked you to do??   Throw away everything you have ever been taught.   Why??   Because it is a trap.  The stuff you need to know you cannot attain to.   It is not within our limited ability to understand stuff.   So you will be led in a different way.   A way of learning.  A way of learning about you and your place in this World. 

I have told you to brace yourselves.  Be strong, and be courageous, because it isn't easy.   I said on this thing long ago, and it may have been on the Journey too, the hardest thing you will ever do is to be honest.  Why?? The truth of us is one where we can be judged.   That is scary, and we like to box up a different package of us to show off.   The nicely wrapped present of us that looks pretty for the World to see. 

Remember what I said about flowers.  They are all flawed, but still pretty right??   All that is dishonest, and not real is all that is ugly in the World.   The whole World is not real.   Everyone is brought up to not be real.   Show your good side.   Pretend you care about people etc...  

Life is so busy and so active who even has time to be good in all things Society asks of us??   Who has lived life to their own view of perfection?? 

So, I have definitely asked some tough stuff of people.   I am definitely capable of being pretty solo, and I really only like the honest people.  The ones with the courage to show the real shit.  It is all about being strong.   Strong goes with trust, because you have to trust this is the right way.  You have to trust that being honest is the only way, and being open is the way to do it. 

Strength and trust have been walking side by side for a long time.   You struggle with both, because it is very very very hard to throw away all we have been taught.   Good vision coincides probably with a World view that is sad and depressing, and perhaps a life that seems kinda like a what am I doing?? 

Your battle is one with you.   Me, me, me vs. what is your will??   A simple simple turn that is very very hard. 

Life owes you nothing.   This World owes you nothing.   There is no great truth that says this plus this leads to this. 

We have so very very far to go, and people really don't want to go into the unknown.  Why???   It is easier to put our trust in what we can see.  I asked you to follow a different path.   A path where you are not in charge.  A path that will take strength and courage, and trust.  It will happen for some people, and some people it won't.   Those who come I will know, because it will show in how they are.  Those who don't won't, and that will be the end of this relationship.  

Okay, well I am just getting something down.   BTW for those who don't know, probably everyone, I am not running, got a bit of an injury, so I have been biking an 18 mile route at least, most days or so.   The standard route is 18 miles.   Oh, and I finally stepped on a scale, and I weigh 179 lbs.   I think a light weight for me is 170-175, so that is actually pretty darn good.   If I lose 10 lbs. give or take I will be as light as I have been in my whole adult life.   I haven't even been training hard really.   I am happy with that.


This is long, and probably boring, but I wrote it anyway.

Later...