Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Going To Need To Be Strong!!--My Story...

Now many of you know this, but I will rehash.  My College career really was about me growing up.  Everything seemed easy at first, and I really had to find a balance between work and play.  As a young guy, that really is what it is all about.  Work hard/play hard.  I was never really a disciplined student through H.S.  I didn't really take easy classes.  I mean who takes German for 4 years right??  I also took math and science through Junior year,  Math through Senior year perhaps.  Never really trying too hard, skating by with C's and some B's probably.  I had a paper route, Trib, Suntimes, Herald.  It was a car route.  Like 300 papers or so.  I did that 7 days each week, so I started work at 3:00 am  every day.  Even when I went out with Carolynn my girlfriend at the time til midnight.  Not fun btw.  :) 

So eventually I go away to college, and hit some real low spots.  Close to dropping out of school.  Being a burden on my Dad, and step-mom.  So low I didn't even go home one Christmas, because I figured they didn't want to see me.  As a matter of fact my friend Dale and I drove to "Mothers" downtown Chicago, and got drunk on Christmas Eve, to drive back to Normal, Illinois drunk as hell.  Dale started to drive home, and I finished the drive when I woke up to notice we were driving in the grass between the two sides of 55.  Yeah we were not smart, and we were dumb, and all that stuff. 

So I hit my low spots, and was really not worth much.  I still went out every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday to be the crazy kid, and have fun.  Eventually I turned things around.  I would read the Bible quite a bit, and I had a girlfriend Katrina, who I really liked.  So anyway my last few semesters of college I did pretty good.  Even had a 98 or 99% going into my Calculus final.  Most of the tests I got 100% on.  It was an easy class because of the teacher, but ya know you don't do that without effort. 

So anyway I am not sure of the timing.  Well, here we go, I am graduating.  A few short months later I found out my mom is going to die.  EYES WIDE OPEN!!!  I am pretty sure this was after the point where I was caught almost cheating on Katrina.  The pretty little blond at our party.  I hurt her.  Wanna know what scared me the most about that???  It was so very hard to see how much I hurt Katrina.  That scared me.  I am not the jealous type, and to be honest at the time, I am not sure if I would have been jealous of Katrina if the roles were reversed.  That is how I felt at the time, but to see how much I hurt someone was awful.  So I am dealing with that.  My step-mom is going to die, and she dies the day after Christmas.  On my birthday the following year Katrina and I break up for good.  My Grandpa dies a couple days later.  All this time I am a college graduate who is not actively looking for a job.  I am looking at life thinking Law School???  I got the school thing down.  I am looking at the world though with these eyes, and I honestly don't like what I see??  You know my post yesterday was similar to what  I wrote as my Writing thing I had to do to graduate college.  I used racist in the South, who never got far behind the walls of the racist upbringing, and town he grew up in. 

To be strong is to be honest, and to trust what you see.  Maybe all your life has been spent viewing things, and these things you lived were done for a reason.  Maybe now is the time to process it all.  Will you have the courage to say, " I am willing to look at what you show me, but I am scared. "  Wear fear as a badge of honor.  He doesn't want you to be decent, he doesn't want you to be perfect, he doesn't want your thoughts to always be the best.  He wants you to believe when he talks to you.  Use your eyes and your ears, and wear fear as a badge of honor.  When you try to always "sound" perfect you are at your worst.  When you show everything is when you are at your best, and love lives in color.  Meaning when we show our good and bad.

I didn't like my journey mind you.  When I was just a post college graduate, when you did everything you were supposed to do,  I hated life.  There was not much in it for me.  I had no idea what I wanted to do, so I made the turn.  I didn't know what I was doing, but when I made the turn, I waited...  I waited, and waited...  Then I was told to do some things, which I did to my own shame.  Then I was led on a journey to suffer, and this was after I suffered more than anyone I know.  My suffering ended up in a hospital stay, after that I dealt with a physical depression.  Energy came back, and I lived a life.  I knew more had to be done, and more would be done.  I knew these things started back up before heimleblog.  After heimleblog, I started the Journey.  Remember a lot of FB messages, and finally one from someone to tell me I should blog.  OMG heimleblog ended not so well.  Then I gave you everything else in the Journey.  that didn't end well, and then I started up "The Wait". 

It takes courage to be strong.  You have to step out, and accept all that comes your way.  Trust your eyes, although fear may be there. 

Workout, a shitty run, and a little biking.  I think my legs were just dead from close to 70 miles biking, and running hills, and just getting back started. 

We'll try her again today.  :)

That is it for today!!!   :)

Thanks for reading!!!   :)

Hope Everyone has a Great and Awesome Day!!!!   :)

xo's!!!   :)

Love You All!!!   :)

p.s.  I saw the girl who got ran over by a car, and broke her hip, and leg, and ankle, and ribs, and who knows what else.  3:53 Boston time.  4 hours was her qualifying time.  She says everything still hurts here and there, but whatcha gonna do.  She has other marathons she wants to do.  She said she wasn't going to do Boston, but decided to after her accident.  She said her p.r. is 3:35.  Special xo's  to her. 

Love you all  xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Ya'All are the best.   xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

extras of these  xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

extras of these  xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Now for really really cya cya cya!!!   :D   :D

1 comment:

Nancy said...

This is the deepest thought I have ever seen you share via blogging. It definitely puts things in to perspective when it is known that you have to face what is believed the worst thing in order to rise above.

Happiness is a hard thing to achieve when we allow the worst in life affect us so deeply. The goal in life is to always try our best, face the fear, take on the challenge and always hope for the best.

Hugs, my friend. May your journey in life begin to shed some light that guides you to a life of less pain and strife. All it takes is for one person to believe in you, and I hope you realize that by my commenting... I believe in you.