Thursday, October 8, 2015

My Past...

So for some reason my whole life is laid out before me. What you need to know about me is I had a bit of a religious past growing up. I believed in God, did whatever magical horseshit prayer Willow Creek was preaching, and figured I was good. Now just go out and do my best. Meek/humble me vs the other me.

Growing up in the Chicago 'burbs has all the Bullshit one can handle. There are a ton of people with money, and plenty of blue collar workers. My Dad fell in between. All things said though the farmer's son from Iowa didn't di horrible for himself. He had his own Bullshit to deal with growing up.

Anyway going through puberty and stuff I did find a girl I liked. We were together for 2-1/2 years. We never had sex, cuz I was saving it for marriage, but we would do everything but. Screwy religious thoughts about sex before marriage and stuff. So dumb, and pointless.

Anyway I was trying to follow the religious side of me.  I went to a Community College for one year after High School, cuz I had no idea what I wanted to do. College yeah, cuz that is what people do. Carolynn didn't really like the side of me that had a bit of religion in me, and broke up with me. I rebelled in my mind against God, but really I was just in my way to find the truth.

Off to ISU I go. School was easy, and I could party all the time. Just before I got up I was thinking of a lot of the girls I was with. There were plenty. Some good looking, some not. Some I liked some, and some were just one night stands. I smoked pot for the first time, did cocaine twice. Once was in the city with all black people. Tried acid once. Had a bad trip, and that pretty much ended drugs for me.

Along these few years were fun and failure. Too much fun cones at the expense of fucking shit up. I started working at Wards. I didn't have a car so I took the bus or sometimes even walked home. Work for me is good. It is something I need. Too much partying and fun only leads to nowhere. The balance of work and fun.

So I started turning the failure around. I felt like a black sheep of the family. At Wards I met Katrina, and she was my next girlfriend for 2-1/2 years. She was younger than me, and she was a knockout. She was a farmer's daughter, and so much different than Chicago Suburb girls. She was a cheerleader, and fun. She worked, and the hang ups people from Chicago might have she didn't. Also the night before Katrina and I went on our first date the jewelry manager from Wards made a pass at me at my house, and we had sex. She was pretty, but kind of big. Her husband I think was a body builder or something. I had no interest in her, but I had a few beers, and guys can always do that shit. At least this guy could.

So with Katrina was a lot of fun. I was really getting my shit together, and also religious Steve was trying to find his way. Deep down I still wanted to be the best version of me possible.

I have a party. Some ridiculously hot blond and I hook up. Katrina walks in on us, and that is the beginning.  It was very hard to look at the pain I caused her. I was just having fun, and didn't know there were repercussions. I am Steve, and I don't want to cause pain. That is not what I want to do. We somehow try to salvage the relationship. She said something to the effect of losing the perfect boyfriend, but gaining a real one. Just now I realized she had me on a pedestal.

After this happens I get the call my Mom is going to die. Graduation comes. I continue to work at the Hospital cleaning, cuz I have no idea what I want to do. My Mom dies. Katrina and I break up on my birthday, and my grandpa dies a few days later. I am all alone in the World, and my life is before me.

What is one to do??  So you see the webs of life do not have me tangled. So I am going to be the best me ever. I start looking to see what there is to do in the World, but after this life everything looks ugly. The turn was made somewhere in these days, and I overcame me somewhere here to.

The mirror was given to me too, and the Steve I wanted to be I was not.

The mirror eventually lead to repentance, because I saw what I deserved. The person I wanted to be was out of reach.

So then there are the many things that happened before the Hospital. Honest Lora, telling the pretty blond about my failure with Katrina. The six days of being persecuted out of the blue. No one could see the persecution, and it was my story, being made. I was told I would be rescued out of everything, and it was just because I overcame me. Praying for the promotion, I want, I want, I want, but your will. I was told to go in the next day, and not take the promotion. Take my name out. I was obedient, and I know I was playing the fool.

Eventually through the eye of the needle. Being filled, and on the right hand side of being right. In some weird way it was the persecution, and a taste of Hell I had that clothed me. It is when I will be full in Spirit again too, when I go do my final thing. It is the final thing of this story, but I will still be here.

It all leads to not being full anymore. Suffering so much, and doing what seemed like a lot I am told I am very very very far away now. I was obedient again, but I asked why??  Why so far away??  How could this happen??  You know the answer to that.

Anyway, I gotta get ready for work.

Have a good one.  :)




I don't have time to proof read, so I apologize for typos.


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