Tuesday, November 16, 2010

A Day To Myself

Monday??  Weekend Over??  All Around Not great mood??  All these contribute to a Day to myself??  Perhaps,  who knows??  I was to myself though.  I did get a run in.  I was going on my 4.2 mile loop, but had to cut it short due to bathroom issues finding their way from one area to another.  I decided to do the smart thing, and head home.  :)  I didn't map it out, but I assume  3.4-3.45 @ 29:45.  I have no idea what that is.  Don't really care, I am not training for anything, but it felt good to be out running again.  I almost thought about yelling out from the top of my lungs "I RAN AGAIN", but even decided against that.  Like I said a day to myself. 

We moved Lisa's mom out yesterday.  I worked as I do most things.  As quick as possible getting the boxes in her new room.  I don't fuck around, I just get the work done.  At least when it comes to things like that.  We got everything moved but her chair.  I went to a bar by myself.  Not my typical Monday deal btw, but I didn't particularly want to go home, and I wanted to be by myself.  Ummm btw... there were way more people drinking on a Monday than I expected.  wtf??  I mean having a drink fine, but this seemed like the norm for these people.  Eat out, and have drinks on a Monday.  SHEESH!!  I like a drink sure, but man, that surprised me.  Maybe people are lonely, and want company.  There were couples though.  I don't know, it seemed weird to me.

Anyway that is the end of a story kinda.  My life with Jackie is over.  I thought about it, and for once felt sad for her.  I mean she has a nice big window, but she is alone.  I know Lisa will visit her, and Hailey, and maybe even Kevin.  I won't... probably.  I do feel sorry for her though.  I knew her direction.  I have known it for a long time.  It wasn't a positive direction, and you know, that lifestyle leads to one thing, and one thing only.  Sadness.  Maybe all lifestyles lead to sadness.  Maybe that is one of life's answers.  We can do everything by the book, but you know we will still be sad.  People die, people are alone sometimes.  Maybe we are lonely sometimes.  Does anyone really understand you??  Maybe if Jackie opened up to her family, they could understand her better.  I see this old lady, well not really old.  65 year old lady, who is like 95 health wise.  She has her big window to look out.  She has her t.v.  She has some movies, and all this knick knack shit.  Fuck, that is sad to me. 

I saw a lady there who was skinny, got around pretty well, and was living there.  No family??  That seems weird to me too, that family wouldn't take her in if they had the ability.  I mean that is a sad looking place to live.  Maybe people are selfish.  I know I am, I knew I was. 

Want to know my frustration with Jackie??  We took her in.  She would have to pay some rent.  It basically came down to like 25% of her income.  When disability ran out we cut her rent even more.  She went from not being afford to paying any bills to only having that one.  We told her to cook some meals sometime too.  We can all share in that right?  Well that didn't materialize.  She cooked very few meals.  We somehow were in charge of all her dinners.  SHEESH!!  Didn't know I signed up for that.  I told her WOW!!  your life is unstressful now, you can do whatever.  My first thought was write a book.  I mean she was 50-whatever at the time, why not write a book so your family can at least know you in that way right?  I was basically talking to a wall.  OMG, she had no motivation for anything.  I never knew that existed.  I always think people will figure it out.  I always hope for the best.  She did less and less day over day, and year over year.  What have I tried to do??  More and more year over year. 

So I don't understand her.  At this point I don't even want to.  She probably has stuff from her life she buried, and did not look at.  So she ate, was lazy, and felt the victim.  Well, you know we all are victims.  We all are living lives, and none of ours are perfect, but we can still try at shit right?  I mean I didn't bring my A game at work yesterday, but doesn't mean it won't be here today.  I was a little out of it yesterday, but the fire is burning today.  Ready to get at it.  I was joking with Lisa yesterday, well everybody at work.  I told them I was saving the world.  One inventory at a time.  :)  In all things pertaining to world importance my job is as stupid as most others.  I still try though... most of the time.  Yesterday, I just went through the motions, but today will be better. 

So anyway a chapter in my life is done.  I am sad for Jackie.  It could have been better for her.  I mean she had the power to make things better.  Anne Frank was a victim.  As much as anyone else.  She still had bright days.  She still was introspective.  She still was honest with herself.  She was scared.  She was growing up in bad conditions.  I know I know why do I always bring up Anne Frank??  One reason and one reason only.  She impressed me. 

That is it for today!!!   :)

Thanks for reading!!!   :)

Hope Everyone has a Great and Awesome Day!!!   :)

xo's!!!   :)

Love You All!!!   :)

p.s.  Once again the p.s. is just so I can write this:

now for really really cya cya cya!!!   :)

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