Life Goes On.

Good morning. I had one of those mornings where I thought I'd get up, and I thought maybe I would sleep. I met halfway. I got up early, but not that early. I thought about stuff though.

I thought of things I know to be true,  but no one really went down that path with me, so no one else really knows this stuff. For me to even go on that path life had to be a struggle. I had to look at the World. It was ugly. I had to look at myself. No Saint here, although I would have liked to be. I thought of things I thought were true, and why do I believe this stuff. I thought of my life, and what's the purpose? 

It turns out everything about me was wrong. I believed shit this World taught for no good reason at all. Then I went on my little journey which ended in me overcoming the first time. During this time I learned the bitter truth of the World.

A Saint I was not, and security I didn't have. I did live a little life during the dead years. I was free to do as I chose, cuz I knew I had more to do, but I couldn't make it happen.  Time was not in my hands. When things started up again, I did live in fear again. I did not have security. What I wanted most. Living in fear is hard. Maybe my type of fear too hard, unless you've been through the eye of the needle. I suspect that to be true.

Overcoming the 2nd time I do have security. Still I am not a Saint, and I didn't know you could have one without the other.

Anyway this morning I thought of other people. There is no way you can know what I learned prior to overcoming the first time. It was my time in the wilderness. The bitter truth was taught to me.

I am no good. I am undeserving of anything good. As to my ability to make myself a Saint, that is impossible. As for good deeds I can do there are none of any value.

Me overcoming the first time was me accepting what I deserved even though I didn't want it. I could save myself at the expense of others,  and that was a lie. I accepted my lot, and was saved by this. In so doing i helped others. I thought I was on my way to death, and then the worst end. I was very very shocked I woke up the next day.

I was broken. I haven't told you this in a while, but I was diagnosed with schizophrenia.  I knew this not to be true, but what could I tell the people in charge? 

I stopped taking meds right away. They put you on animal tranquilizers or some shit. Horrible stuff. I lived for about a year with no energy. Life is horrible that way.  I didn't know why I had to be like that, but I remembered saying during this time if I am destined for Hell let me accept it as that which I deserve.

When I overcome the 3rd time it is where I will go. My heart has to be right, and that is why I was empty for a year. To make sure when the time comes my heart will be right. I didn't even know I didn't overcome the 2nd time at this point. I had no clue what my journey would look like. I knew the final thing I must do though. Knew that even before overcoming the first time.

What's it mean for you?   I don't know. I know my job, and what I am doing. I just see no success in the job I am doing. That is fine. I have no agenda you see. I just write my early morning stuff. How you fit in, and how it changes your life I have no clue.

The job I am doing I have no clue how it works. Eventually I suspect it will cuz it is not my story, and not my work. I guess even still I continue to see how insignificant I am.

It is fine with me. I am secure, and content with my life. There isn't much to it.

Anyhoo, I hoped you enjoyed reading it. 

Have fun. 

Til next time.   :)

xoxo.    :)

xxoo.    :)

Luv Ya's.   :)

Bye.    :)))