Hello, and good morning all. How's it going?? Me, ehhh. I am not even sure if I will publish this, because I have a feeling it will suck. I don't keep a journal either, so if I don't publish, I delete.
I have no notebooks or anything of shit I have written, because why have shit you will never look at again?? Speaking of, I should probably throw away all my vcr tapes I have. ;)
Anyway, what is going on with me?? Not a damn thing. This year is way way different than in years past, because I don't blog much anymore. It is always if I feel like doing it when I wake up.
Today is different, because I don't particularly feel like blogging, but I was planning on going to work around 10:00 anyway so I got time. I do write shit in other areas for the public to see, (if they want).
I seem to complain a lot about the World these days. In my formative years of who I am now I looked at the World. I threw away everything I learned to that point, to look at it objectively. I had a job, and no debt, besides College debt at the time, and I was searching what to do.
I didn't grab some part of the World, and hold on, and say this is what I will be about. Was I happy? No. The one thing I wanted at this time was to be the best person ever. I was going to work for it. I kinda started a life of living solo. No girlfriends, and not a lot of close friends around either. Just me, and this person who I WAS GOING TO MAKE into the best person ever. What ever that means.
In my mind I guess I had a little idea of what that means. Someway a turn was made, and I had no idea the significance of it. I must have been through the eye of the needle already before I was made aware of the significance of my turn, because in my zest for learning, out of the blue I have to suffer for 6 days.
Inside me lived the worst of the worst. Persecuted for 6 days straight, telling me I was to be the Anti-Christ and shit like that. Seeing the worst of human nature very clearly, because when you view your shitty end, you see things more clear. I was definitely different at this point, and some of the things people may wish for I lived. Probably like 6 hours of sleep for 6 days, and if I ate, it was just because. All the things you think you need to live I didn't need at that time.
It wasn't fun at all. It was horrible, and the way my heart was during this time I realize I was helped along this way. I was a better person at this point than if I were on my own. To recover from this took some more help, and I had it.
I was clothed (spiritually speaking) for a brief while. Full to the brim where nothing can hurt me. I could do no wrong, and that was taken all away. That was scary too, because I could not go back to those 6 days. I was taught those 6 days were for a reason. The worst of the worst came back for a split second, only to be cast out. Ohhhh, now I see who is in charge.
A narrow path for me for sure. I had to be obedient. I learned the consequences of disobedience, and although my heart is rebellious for sure, I was obedient. When life puts you in a corner (outside the garbage room at Bromenn Healthcare) I did what I was supposed to do. I was pissed, but I knew the right thing to do, and I did it. So started my horrible Summer.
You know this story, and it is easy for me to talk about, and easy for me to remember.
I did ask that one question "why did you let me get so far away"? To save more lives. Not that I do that in any way mind you, but I am here for a purpose. It isn't to do some worthless shit on this Earth, but to do other things. When my path was brightened I said I was willing to follow. Is there any other choice??
When my road was closed, and it came time to try and hold onto my life and save it I said "Your will"
A heart strengthened not of my own doing. Following a path not of my own making. To have a life for a purpose. Having the dead years between the promise, and the start up again. Remember my explanation of that.
All of this has been done for a purpose, and it sure wasn't my purpose. I didn't write this story, and I am not the manipulator of events to make certain outcomes of this life.
Those who hold onto their life are lacking trust. I spent a whole year stressing trust. Those who try to hold onto some type of fake "good life" in this horrible world lack strength. I also stressed that for a whole year or more. Those who listen to reason, but believe only in themselves, and some cartoon form of life they want to create are afraid of the truth.
I told you this shit was hard. It is hard, because faith is perfected through what?? There is a point where not only is faith perfected, but faith and perfection meet, but that will be a story for another day. Gotta go to Hell before you get the good stuff sorta. I have been given a lot though, and I have given you a lot. It seems like so very little, and really it is very little, because I don't need a lot to do what I am supposed to.
My path led me to strength and trust. A heart that was placed in good hands. Not to be perfect, but to be real.
Like I said perfection comes after one more step.
All this I have said before, and I have shown you the way. The only way, but people still hold on. If only we could work our way to a better us. That would be so much easier huh?? Then we would have some sort of control. We would be the light of our path, instead of placing our path in the hands of another.
I see the story of this life. How it has gone on since forever, and All are guilty really. In the age of Noah only a few believed that crack pot. He was a silly man with a silly story. You know what side you would be on right?? as of now anyway...
Why that way?? If my path was so narrow, how could you still have hope??
The story is about forgiveness. The lesson you have to learn. My path was much tougher, because I wasn't afforded your luxury. The only hope I had was I was still alive, so I guess there is hope.
There was no one around to teach me these things either. A solo journey, not of my own choosing, and not of my own making. I will have a title of honor placed upon me, and actually it already was. It is what keeps you staying/coming back to me.
Anyhooo, I guess I will publish it.
Later all. :)
Gotsta work. I did most of my extra stuff yesterday, so today should be a piece of cake.
Have a good one. :)
xoxo.
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