Taking Stock

Good Morning All.  How's it going??  Me, I am doing pretty good. I was just kinda thinking this morning about me, and my life.  What is a life worth??  What have I done that is significant in any way?? 

I really haven't done anything have I??  What is it we base our worth on??

Let's see some of the things I have done.   I got married, I had jobs,  I have completed 5 marathons, and trained for at least 5 more only to be injured.  I have had blogs where my story was told.  It isn't anything really. 

There is nothing about me I would call of the redeeming nature.  There is nothing I can lay claim to that says I am worth something, because I have done this.  There are no points in this World is there?? 

What is it you base your worth on as a person??  What activities have you done that make your life worthwhile??  You see we as people lay claim to points where there are none.   Life in this World is not very significant is it??  We don't really do anything of lasting significance. 

I am 47 years old.  I have a realistic outlook of life.  I don't have any weights really holding me down.  I don't place value on things that have no value.  When you get to the bottom of the truth of life it is a weird vision. 

You can see our life really is worth just one coin.   We don't offer anything more.  We are not smart enough, strong enough, or good enough. 

Even though my life has gone on a crazy crazy ride, it still means nothing.   I learned my place in this World, and I learned what a person like me is really worth.   A realistic view of who I am, and also a realistic view of others too. 

I wish I could tell you all how this thing turns out, but I have a feeling it leads to a hard time.  A realistic view of our life, and our worth is totally different than anything we have been taught. 

Taking stock of my life, I am really not worth much.  I can do no deeds on my own that our worth anything. 

How do I feel about it??  I am cool with it.  So much of how I am is not because of me.   So much, and maybe all is about how my heart is, and that totally is in another ones hands. 

What can I do to help you along on your personal journey of truth, and wisdom, and knowledge, etc...?? 

Not much can I?? 

I can take stock of my life, have a realistic view of it, and just be happy I am the way I am. 

I offer you not very much at all do I??   I do nothing at all for anyone really do I?? 

A person who has lived a life, and grabbed the truth by the horns, and let it take me where it leads.   My life is not mine anymore really is it??  All these things I do are totally how I am made.   If you would have told me back in the early 90's I would be writing these blogs, and trying to help people on their way,  I am not sure what I would think about it.  

My life's goals were all changed with a turn I guess.   I have become someone who I could not become on my own.  

I am not even done yet.   Just one more little thing to do, and I have no idea how it will be.   I know it won't be pleasant, and I know I will suffer.   It makes sense understanding has to come in that direction huh??   Then I will know the people's end, because I will have been there. 

My journey is one where I had to overcome things, but I could not overcome them on my own.  I was given strength and courage when needed, and I will definitely need it for my last one, because although I know what I must do, I will be judged, and I will be doomed, and from previous experiences that is in no way a pleasant thing.  

I still do it.   I am not afraid, and that is just because my heart is totally who I am.   Not any deeds, or sacrifices, or anything.  

You know my life though.   It ain't no thang.    :)

Have fun all.   :)

Well Today Looks Good.

Hello, and good morning.  How's it going?? Me, I am doing fine.   I am up early.  I have a cup of coffee.  I am sitting on the couch with the Hopester.   Hope knows she will be going for a run.  She will follow me around until we go.  She is a slut like that. 

So, what is going on with me??  Not much at all.   A day off.   I have a lot to do actually.   Clean up the house, and go shopping.   I am going to buy a turkey, and stuff for tacos tonight.  It isn't a ton ton of stuff to do, but it will keep me busy til like noon or so.  Then I am afraid it is sit on my ass time, and read, watch movies, or tv shows.   Eventually I will open up the Brandy, and have a couple of drinks. 

So the best part of my "blogging" self is all but dead.   Remember years back when I used to have a goal if I read a blog I'd comment.   Well, those days are long gone huh??   Is there any kind of lesson in that?? 

Perhaps.   What is one of the things we make our decisions on??   Consistency.  Life goes on pretty much the same forever right??  What was true one day is true the next right??  It is where we put our faith.   How silly is that thinking??   Ask those who invested in coins from the Holy Roman Empire.   Ask those who invested  in coins in the Weimar Republic.  

It always comes back to this one thing huh??   What can you trust that actually stays the same today and forever??   You??   No.  Your interests change.   Return on investment??   Enron employees will tell you a different story.  

Hard work pays off??   The slaves in the labor camps work harder than anyone.   They work til they die.  I don't see the pay off.  

The decency of people??   Really??   I hope you are far enough along in your life to realize people are not all that. 

You cannot count on anything.   You cannot even count on yourself to think the right things.   To do the right things.  

I tell you some things you can count on in life.   Life has some hard stuff to it.   You will not be happy.   Your existence will be okay sometimes, and shitty other times.   You will try to show people you have made all the right decisions, and have done all the right things, although you know in your heart you should be better. 

People will disappoint you.  It is in their nature.  Why??  well for one thing we believe in the fairy tales.   Happily every after.   There is our perfect match out there.  White picket fence.   Unconditional love.   Who came up with that one??  Where is that even written??  anywhere?? 

Words like faithful mean stuff, but it means things like obedience.   Believing when spoken to, and not hardening your heart to pretend it isn't real.   There was a condition for me.   Outside the garbage room of Bromenn Healthcare.   My whole being depended on obedience.   That was the fork in the road for me.   rebel, or do what was asked.   I had every reason to rebel, because I suffered more than anyone in the World.   Things you cannot even fathom.   Only to find myself as far away as anybody.  

The words are all tested though, and that was my life-giving reproof.   What words are tested there??  "He who listens to the life giving reproof will get understanding."   Did you see how that works??  I could have rebelled, but all words are tested right.   My heart was going to be made to do the right thing.   I listened, and in my heart I figured I should do the right thing.  

That was a life giving reproof.   So my outcome was determined, although I did not feel that too much during my Summer of Discontent, and I didn't feel it very much during my first two blogs, before the wait.   Many days during my first two blogs were hard.  Very little support, and you always wonder what if people thought this or that??  The way I was back then I got judged a lot.   Internal judgements from the bad stuff inside me.   Every day was seemingly a sword fight, and I just had my little utility knife to go up against those who were more skilled with the sword.  

Then comes the wait, and a lot is easy.   Not all things.   All that is true and honest makes things sooooo much easier.   All things hidden, and all things done in the dark, make things harder.   The light and honesty scares us, because well, we know us pretty well.   We surely don't want others to know some of the stuff about us.  

Life is courage.   Life is accepting truth, and life is making the correct decisions when you have been given good information.  

Put your faith in the truth.   Try and not fear your shortcomings, because they will not harm you.   All that we hide is what harms us.   It makes us worse people than we need to be, and it makes us not very healthy.   You cannot out exercise your demons, and you cannot out read your demons.   There is only one way to victory, and it isn't you.   Your demons overpower you.   You are not strong enough.  

Sooooo anyway, on any given day I can do any given thing. 

Today, I will say good bye.  :)

Laterzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Guess I Will Wing This One...

Hello, how's it going??  Me, I am doing okay.  Nothing major going on with me.  I do have the next 3 days off again though, so that is cool. I have no idea what I will do.  Not a lot to do actually, so we will see.   My last 3 days off in a row, I ran 3 days in a row, so that will be the plan.

So, I really don't have much to blog about today, so I guess I will look inside myself, and see if there is anything in there.   One thing I think is people do not have a real good vision into themselves.  Hard to differentiate maybe who we really want to be, and really what is happening inside us.   Two different things.  The Socially acceptable version of us is totally different than who we really are.  Maybe that is what I did all those years ago.   I was alone in the World.  I owed no one anything, and it was my life to do as I choose.  I had a College degree so the sky was the limit.  

After going through the personal deaths and break ups etc..., and a real look at the World and all that was out there, I think the one thing I wanted to be was a good person.   I wanted to make me the best person ever.  I meet people like Lora, and I go on my honesty kick.   That was the truth I grabbed a hold of.   That was my crutch.  No matter what honesty has to be good right?? 

Remember when I had a party, and Katrina walked into my room, and I was with that really good looking blonde.  YIKES!!   That sucked.   Took a bit of courage to look at how I hurt Katrina there.   Anyway as you may know at work there was a good looking blonde girl, and man would I have loved to look fabulous in her eyes.  I grabbed my crutch of truth, and told her I cheated on my last girl friend, or was about to.  So really I threw any hope for any gain of fabulous, and told this cute blonde what a guy pig I am.  That is something you can hold onto though huh??  The truth.  It will never steer you wrong, and it always always turns out for good. 

Truth is so hard, because we all have our demons, and we all want to look fabulous, but if we let people know what we think, well they can judge.

So in this big old World where there is nothing really good, that is one good thing.  To get to the truth of you. 

Life isn't always what it is cracked up to be.  People surely disappoint.  It is in our nature.  We aren't perfect, we are selfish people, and our own interests have always been the most important thing about us. 

Let's face it too how many of us really want to look good in other people's eyes??    What are some of the things you do to make that happen??   There really are two sides to us huh??  The World side, which is of this World, and the other one we kinda keep locked in our closet.   We don't want people to see that person.  The person locked in the closet is probably the best part of us.   That is the person who will win the race of life.  The other is caught up in the World rat race, and the other us is looking at things, and wondering. 

Anyway there is a lot to life.   I have this terrible job of blogging and explaining stuff.   Turning people's World upside down, because we always thought our Worldly self was pretty good.   That person isn't.  That person is of this World, and enslaved to all the chains this World has created.   You have to beat that person.   They have a pretty good control of you too.

Guess that is it.   Probably see you early tomorrow.

cya.   

So What's In Store For Today???

That is a pretty good question, as I am not sure.  I just checked, and I don't get the Bears game, of course I am assuming they aren't playing tonight or Monday night.  I should shovel, as we got a few inches of snow.  I have to work tonight too.   I think I will either watch a movie or read a book.  I never did finish the 3rd book of the Hunger games, because I breezed through the first two, and then got bored with it.  I still have that Poland book sitting on my table too.

There isn't much to this life is there??  There isn't much to any given day either is there??  I mean we really don't do much of anything that is significant at all do we??  We aren't going to change the World.  You won't make it a better place, and the kicker is we cannot even make ourselves better people.

Life is hard.  Life is complicated.   A lot of stuff to it, and none of it is really important.   We always want to believe in something good.   There has to be something here we can sink our teeth in, that says this is good.   What I am doing here is good.   I will hold onto this, and let it take me.  I have been saying to let everything go.  I know that is scary, because you have been holding on for so long.   You believed such and such for so long, and I am here telling you there is another who is here to teach.  Show you the ways you need to go, and for this you need trust, because to do this you stand alone.   No crutch to hold onto.   Nothing you have done to this point will help you on this path.

Who wants to throw away all they believe in??  No one.  You can see where it leads though right??   I mean life surely doesn't get any better, and we sure as heck aren't all of a sudden doing something important.   I know it is a sad state of affairs to wake up one morning and realize, hmmmm,   this life is dumb.

I know some people want to pretend they have the answers, or they have found a way to a happy life, and what not, but mostly people are angry.   Shouldn't this shit mean more??   All the avenues of thought seemingly point the blame for this life elsewhere.   All lives are the same everywhere.   People are unhappy everywhere.   We want answers too, and there are answers, but you have to look in the right places. 

There are ways to go, and we have a lot to do, but you have to deny yourself, and take the right way.   Even if you won't do it for you.   Every life here is a branch, and when one branch withers so does all the corresponding branches that grew off that branch.  It is a tree you see, and it needs to be healthy, and the branches need to grow.   They need  rain as well as sun.

So all along we live this life thinking it is all about us huh??   Nope,  for everything we do we affect others.   Maybe that is a good thing, because sometimes when we are down wouldn't it be nice to know we are here to help others along the way.   Not just us, and we don't know these ways or these paths, and that is why everything has to be done for us. 

hmmmmm,   I think I got all the bad stuff out.   Doesn't mean your interesting though.   :)

That is it for today!!!     :)

Thanks for reading!!!    :)

Hope Everyone has a Great and Awesome Day!!!    :)

xo's!!!     :)

Love You All!!!    :)

p.s.  I made some homemade pizza the other day, and I think I will have it for lunch.   I almost ate a whole jar of pickles for my break at work last night.   :)

Love You All   xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Ya'All are the best  xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Extras of these  xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Extras of these  xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Now for really really cya cya cya   :D     :D 

I Don't Know About You, I Do Know About Me...

Hello.  Well one of the things about me I noticed is if I am angry, or unhappy about something it finds a way out.  That is different than how I once was, because I used to internalize things.  Many times just ignore things, and ignore people who I don't like etc...   That is kinda what I feel like doing with this blog.   Ignore it, and ignore people.   There is a whole full story of my past, and I can throw the old quid pro quo down, you not interested in what I have to say, then I am not interested in what you have to say, but really there is more than that.   I am only interested in so many things in this World, and us as people really deep down are not that fascinating are we??   I mean if I don't think Society is worth a crap, and people are trying to improve a Society that will not be improved.   Really people seemingly want to do everything, but the steps that would make them a better person.  

Enslaved to jobs, and income, etc...   Yeah, all that is known.   You see how weak people are??   They only put their faith in money, and income, and being able to buy stuff.   Your heart is a part of this World, and it is what you believe.   The man made ideas about coins etc... that have never ever ever lasted.   That is where we put our faith, and hopes, and dreams etc...   How will that lead to contentment??  How will that lead to happiness?  

All that you were ever taught you believed, because people wear the right clothes, or have  a lot of money, or have the right certificates hanging wherever.  The whole World is made up of man made ideas, and that is where your faith is.   You put your faith in man and society, and coins, and this World, and a whole slew of other things. 

The worst thing is you try passing that along as knowledge and wisdom.   Who wants to hear that crap??  You spent a life time of living, and this is all you got.   You are not going to improve on the same 'ole same 'ole.   You will stagnate.   Hate will deepen, and anger, and resentment, and why is that??   You believe in this World.   This World is rigged.   the powers that be, which usually coincide with those who hold the most coins, have their own interests at heart.   Their however many houses they own are the important things, because I guess it makes them look good, and masks how unhappy, unfulfilled, and how pathetic their lives really are, and how pathetic they really are as people.  

Many people grab hold of some type of propaganda of some sort, and hold that to be their only truth.   It is the only thing they want to hold onto.   It is their only truth.   Everything is a crutch.   The whole World is wrong, and you are unwilling to let it go.   See how weak we are as people.   See who our true Gods are??   See how wrong you are.  

Sometimes I really want to ignore this blog, but after writing this, I actually feel better.  

so,

That is that.  

What Do You Think??

Well that was weird.   Anyway, good morning.  I'd say how's it going, but I don't really care how anyone is doing.   I am getting bored.  

This thing here has got to be boring, because I do it so often, and I know I am not very interested in what other people are doing, especially if you get the feeling they think what they do is important, or actually even matters. 

People really are scared little beings huh??  Afraid to be open about ourselves.  Afraid to take a real hard and honest look at our lives, and the significance, or actually lack of significance in what we do.  People must know their shortcomings, because instead of dealing with that shit they would rather just go out and change the World.   I am like, who do you think even finds you that interesting, or your ideas that great that anyone even cares??? 

The World is a very big place, and Society has a lot of pull, and you are just one little person in this World, and like me nothing what we do is really all that significant.  

People are always trying to make some kind of self perceived giant step, instead of one small one.   Always looking to improve by looking outward instead of inward.  Is it scary to look inward??   Are you afraid to show what you see, or are you afraid to even look?? 

I don't know these days there is only a few things that are interesting, and very few people.   Why does no one want to look into the mirror of their soul??  Too scary??  Afraid to look at your demons eye to eye??   Afraid of what really it is that overpowers you?? 

Well there is a lot that overpowers you.   You are a weak and silly human being living in this shitty World where there is nothing of any significance at all.   You want to find your place in this World, and there is nothing here.   This place is a shit hole filled with nothing. 

So there is nothing here of any significance, no matter how hard you pretend.   You have your demons that overpower you on a daily basis.   What are you going to do??

What is to be done?? 

A lot needs to be done, but people seemingly turn a blind eye, because if it is less scary living a fabulous life than isn't that better??  

Your decision, and your choice I guess. 

cya. 

Before I Start This I Am Going To Get My Coffee

Hello, and good morning all.   How's it going??  Me, I am doing okay.  I hazzz a blog so I guess I will write.  Ahhhh, nothing like strong coffee.  

Anyway, what is on my mind??  Typically it can be anything at any one time.  This World is a crazy place for sure.   We are definitely enslaved in being politically correct beings.  Wear the right clothes, say the right things, and don't ever ever stray from the "norm".   Things like that, but I have been saying there is no norm. 

A life trying to succumb to the whimsy of Society is a life that leads to depression, anger, resentment.  All the things you don't want to feel, yet that is where this life leads.  Phrases like smile and say hi.  Show you care.  etc... 

What do we really care about in this World??  Well, let's look at me.   What do I care about in this World??

Do I care much about this life??   nope. 

Do I care anymore whatever my legacy is??   nope.

Do I care really anything about this World??  nope. 

It is a silly place where people do silly things.   All wrapped up in our facade in life is that any of this is actually important.   That what we do is important.   It isn't.  Our life is silly silly silly.   We spend a lifetime doing the stupid shit we do, and then one day we are 6' under, and it is all gone.  Nothing we have done, and nothing we have collected matters.   You wrack up a ton of debt.  That is all gone. 

All the shit of life is gone.   No more bills to pay.   No more people you have to fake smile to.   All the fake nice things you have to do disappear.  Your clothes don't matter anymore, and the multitudes who have walked the Earth didn't do anything of any significance.  

A pointless life that means nothing.

That is what I didn't want.   So I have grown up in my walk.   I am different today than years ago, and this is I am sure how it is supposed to be.   People are afraid to step out of the security of Society, because well we have to eat right.   The World holds us down with its chains.  Our whole being is slavery.   A slave to our shortcomings.   A slave to the World.   A slave to society.  

There was a type of him who was to come who was asked to lead a people out of slavery.  The people lacked strength, and were a very weak people in faith, and things like that, but he did what was asked of him. 

That is the story too here.   A way out of the slavery of life.  The slavery of us.  All the things that weigh us down there is a way out.  Also a new us too.   A way for us to be better people than the weak and hopeless creatures we are now.  

There is a lot to overcome, and it will all be done for you, but you have to overcome yourself.   You are weak in strength, and weak in faith, just like those people who were led out of slavery all those years ago.   You would rather stay in the comforts of this horrible Society we live.  

Don't you see how gross this life is??  Don't you see how fake and unreal everything is??   There is a way to a better you, but you don't want to take it.  

I know my life.   It is as boring as anything.  The only thing that makes me who I am is really what was taken from me when I gave up those several summers ago. 

There is a way to the good part of me and a way to the bad.   Strength is a way to the good.   Strength is just honesty, and showing all the things that hold us down, and doubts, and fears, and weaknesses about us that drive us crazy.   The way to the bad is all and everything that is fabulous.   All the things we try to show that make us acceptable to society.   Trying to be accepted by society is just a way to say hey look at me.   I am weak.   Right??

This blog goes in any number of directions, and I am free to do as I choose with it, and today I will just say good by.

bye.