What Is It You Want??

Good Afternoon/evening everyone.  How's it going??  Me, I am doing okay I guess.  I am a bit tired, and I'd like to sleep some more, but I guess I can always do this thing a bit.   As some of you know I do like to talk about myself on this thing.  Is that what a blog really is??  Us talking about ourselves?? 

Anyway, I was just thinking about my time when I decided to make the turn.  A lot of shit just went down in my life, and I was definitely seeing my life with some pretty clear vision.  What did I want??   I don't know.  I wanted to matter.  I wanted my life to mean something.  I didn't really have a plan, and I thought if there is some reason I am here, let me do that instead of anything else. 

I had no idea what that meant.  What it meant I would do, or anything.  I had absolutely no idea I would have to do what I have done.  Remember when I told you about that 90+ year old lady who told me I must have the patience of Job?? 

That was right before I suffered for 6 days at the hands of the worst of the worst.  This is scary/ weird, but he lived inside me those 6 days, and spent all his time telling me how evil I was.  I am the antichrist, and I am doomed etc...   Non-stop for 6 days.  I knew who he was, and I believed everything he said.  He doesn't play the evil guy you see on t.v. and movies.  He plays God.  Perches himself up high.  He lives in a religious setting, not an evil setting. 

Anyway my journey was one of learning and suffering, and maybe with great suffering comes great learning.   Maybe the two have to go hand in hand.  My burden is very hard, because I have been living in the Spiritual World for a long long time, and everyone else lives in the real World. 

It is in this way that I am different, and I can function well in both.  Why did I have to be different, and why for so long??  Probably no reason. 

I am really not too afraid to write my stuff down here.  Let it all be seen, and even sign my name to it.  Now enough about me though, what do you want??  I imagine most people feel they want more out of life.   You have got to be missing out on something right??  There must be something more?? 

There isn't.  There is no end of the rainbow, golden years, anything.   What you see now is what you get.   Oh you will age, and stuff like that, but the feeling of fulfillment is not yours to create.   A meaningful life is not the burden you must find and create for yourself. 

The turn is so simple and easy, and it takes all the stress away, because it takes you and the life you must create out of the equation.  What does it mean with family and friends and kids etc...   It means nothing.  All that you are, and all that you know, and all that you think, and all that you need is known.  You want someone to know you and understand you??   Done and done. 

All that you need you already have.  It seems silly huh??  The turn is simple, and it takes all the questioning out of your life.  If you are asked to do some hard stuff all the courage needed will be given.  That is the step huh??   What if I am asked to do this and that?  I cannot do it.  I don't have the courage.  All that will be given.   Isn't that what my 2 times of overcoming was all about??  At the right time I was given all I needed.   I didn't plan anything, and I was in no control over anything.  I was delivered up to the judges twice, and twice like the thief I accepted that which he did. 

I have done a lot and I suffered a lot, and yet I still did not deserve anything different than what the thief felt he deserved.  It will take a miracle of huge proportions to save you.  You don't have the strength or the ability just like me. 

You know how I feel at times down, but I can close my eyes, and know that all of me is seen, and that gives me strength.  My final thing I must do that will disappear.   I will go and be judged.  This time I will go where the worst of the worst is unwilling to go.   My only shred of hope is the one who overcame centuries ago.  I will share in his death in order to share in his life.  I will know him for all he did, and all he does.  This will be a big major thing in the sum of all things.  The thing I was willing to do for a long time, but the thing I must wait for.  Why wait??  There were/are many steps along the way.  None of my plan.  None of it I knew. 

All this stuff is written, and those who have eyes can see it.  If you have the eyes for it that is.  Not sure if any do or not. 

For a long time I have accepted who I am.  Maybe it seems like a big deal to people, but I know the equation of all.  I am to be someone important, but it isn't because of anything I did.  It was all done for me. 

It is a tipsy topsy World.  Our understanding of it all is whack.  It is not within our power to understand the ways of things, and how they must go, but we feel we are something, and we feel we are important, and smart.  If only we knew.   :)

That is it for today!!!    :)

Thanks for reading!!!    :)

Hope Everyone has a Great and Awesome Day!!!    :)

xo's!!!     :)

Love You All!!!    :)))

p.s.  Now what the Hell am I going to do for the rest of the day.  I have tonight off. 

Love You All  xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Ya'All are the best   xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Extras of these  xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Extras of these  xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Now for really really cya cya cya    :D     :D