Not A Full Month.

I guess I failed. Saturday, I had a few drinks. I didn't have to, but I wanted to. I failed I guess you could say, but I made a conscience decision to drink yesterday. My desire to drink yesterday was greater than my desire to last a whole month. Am I weak?  Fuck yes. I don't intend to give up on sober October, but I think I'll drink one day per week. Get the demons out so to speak. It's my goal as a person anyway. Drink one day per week.

As to my weakness, it's the triggers. Out of the blue it seems like a good idea to have a couple drinks. They are real. It is those one has to overcome, not sure if it would get easier either. I didn't binge last night. I had a few drinks. Less than a pint,  and I fell asleep. I find not drinking for a month is much harder than I thought. I am addicted to it. No doubt. Just the trigger addiction. Now I know how smokers are. Can you imagine how often a smoker gets pelted with a trigger?  I'm glad I don't smoke. I think it would be very hard for me to quit.

I guess guilt can come into play. I don't feel guilty when I drink. Luckily I have a stopping point. I don't binge. If I were a binge drinker that would probably be as hard to quit. Binge drinking brings guilt however. Missing work,  and shit like that. Smoking brings guilt,  just cuz it is accepted universally as being bad. I don't feel guilty when drinking, cuz I don't have a body that keeps going so to speak. I have my share, and I am done.

I just see the weakness of our human bodies. If I went a whole month of not drinking, I wouldn't win any plaques or anything. Just a shout out to yourself that you are the master of you. Clearly I am not the master of me, or I choose not to be. I am not up for that sacrifice. I still would like to drink just once per week, if I can. I have no guilt if I can't though. There are no harsh repercussions if I don't. I accept me regardless I'd say.

Anyway, to those who struggle with real addiction. Like cigarettes,  and heroin.   Yikes.  I would not want to be in those shoes. I don't know if I could overcome.  It would be brutal I guess. I am not that strong.  Luckily I am not in that predicament. My one vice has enough control over me. It's something I like to do. I would like to be healthier,  by cutting down to one day per week. One day to purge the demons. I think I could do that.

I am learning about myself though. I am unimpressive. I am cool with the truth of me though. I am accepted, which brings it's own strength. I accept me too. I feel it is a good thing to know oneself. Just for the basic fact there are no superheroes out there. There are no geniuses to look up to. We all have our own demons. They help bring us down. The World keeps everything in the dark too, because we'd feel ashamed if we were in the light. I live in the light. I can be seen. I am Adam before the fall. Unashamed. I have to go one step further though. I'll tell you what though. Adam before the fall ain't shabby at all. Going one step further does bring about great suffering. I know that. I know I am not strong enough to overcome on my own, but I will walk that path. The path of understanding,  cuz only then will I know what was done. The current part of me will be no more. I will then be the best a person can be.

I've survived all the traps laid before me...my help did it, and I became the trap for my enemies. The worst of the worst will be free once I go do my final thing. That won't be a good thing.

These things I don't worry about though. My heart is in good hands. Its good to be me, as I've said a lot.

Anyhoo, today is a non drinking day.   :)  just like yesterday.    ;)

Laterzzzzzzzz.      :)

xoxo.      :)

xxoo.      :)

Byeeeeeeeee.      :)))