Good morning. How's it going? Me, I am fine. I did my sleep for 5-1/2 hour trick last night, and wake up before my alarm. Not really sure how that works. As I was thinking about a title for today's update, and just thinking about blogging in general I wondered what would I do besides doing this. I am not really sure. I was thinking back to yesterday, and I couldn't think of anything important I did. If yesterday never happened would it even matter?
I guess I could go back through my life and ask the same question. Did it even matter? My answer is no. This life here really didn't matter. I am fine with that though. I am fine with me. I am fine with my truth of just being numbered as the sand in the sea.
I know when I was younger I probably wanted to live an epic life. At the very least get a good job, and do marriage and kids, and all that other stuff we were supposed to do.
My life took another direction when the time for those decisions came to me. When a person finds themself alone in the World, and I really was. I owed no one anything. I wasn't tied to anyone or anything. I remember I was "supposed" to get a resume together and start working for more than I made at the hospital, but I didn't want to. I know I tried for a bit to work toward making me the best person I could be. I could labor and stuff, but it's all the shit we think of and desire even though we don't want to. How do you get rid of that? How do you only just have saintly thoughts?
No amount of labor really made me better in that way. That mattered to me too. As I struggled to be a better version of myself I could see clearer in the mirror. Was I getting worse as a person? Now that I look back, I am not sure I was worse, but I saw clearer. I stopped justifying, and hiding from my thoughts I didn't want. I'd say mostly it was just lust probably. It's not easy being a guy. Your thoughts take you one direction when you'd really just like to have all that shit not even be a part of you.
So anyway the mirror showed me the truth. I wanted to be this good person. I had my own ideas of what that would be I guess, but I was powerless to become that person. I then had a clear vision of the ending a type of person like me would have. A Saint was a type of person with a good ending, and there was me. I was scared, and repented. The timing of all this isn't clear, but I am pretty sure the turn was already made, so I assume I already overcame myself.
I remember being pretty low. At that point I think I thought if I worked hard I could become the best in the World at cleaning floors, my main job at the time. I remember going back to the burbs for weddings and shit. I didn't have great grandiose plans for my future. I cleaned at a hospital, and I was firmly on the path the turn led me. I had no clue what that would be. There wasn't anything in the World for me, so I was just gonna do what my purpose was. The reason I am here. I was just waiting for whatever that was. One night I was reading a book, and I started having this burning feeling in my neck. For 6 days the voice kept telling me how evil I was. My purpose was to be the worst of the worst. So now I knew I had the worst imaginable ending ever. I prayed fervently to make it so I was never born. If I am evil make two huge pillars to smash me to nothing.
Life was never so real during the 6 days of this torment. I was lucky if I slept 5-1/2 hours during the whole 6 days. I was lucky if I consumed 5-1/2 calories during this time too. God, I was so scared. After those 6 days i was picked up. Found out I was on the good side. I just endured those 6 days for whatever reason. I was made full too, so I thought I was the best a person can be, but I was soon made poor in Spirit, and led into the wilderness. Every day was hard. Every second I was judged. I learned I am no Saint. It was powerless for me to be so. I probably ate one meal every two days or so, and doubt I had many nights of sleeping anywhere near 5-1/2 hours.
The Wilderness led to the hospital. I was made to look like a lunatic. With help I overcame. I accepted my path of Damnation if that is my purpose, and was tied to the bed, as I knew my life would be over before the next day.
I fell asleep, and most surprising to me I awoke the next day. So that wasn't my purpose. The judges control you when you are handed over to them. My heart was strengthened, and I was given the correct words to say. If it is God's will.
When I overcame the 2nd time it was worse. I accepted my lot of being the worst of the worst if it is God's will. Unlike the 1st time I knew I did good almost right away. Some of you may remember. That was the end of the Journey. I couldn't be judged anymore. It was too much. Delete the Journey, overcome the 2nd time, and the wait begins. I have no idea why I called it the wait. It just came to me to call it that, and it sure is the wait huh?
Anyways I've endured much the eye cannot see. A story only known by one other besides me. The blessing I received right prior to going in the hospital I finally was able to enjoy I guess you can say some 2 decades later. My life became easy. I still have the 3rd time to go. As you can see that is not fun stuff. I kinda feel like I have help though you know? The first two times it seemed like it was just me, although I did have help.
I'll really see when the time comes I guess. I know my story is nuts, but it is the truth. Not my story either. I just wanted to be the best version of myself. Nothing here for me in the World, so I just wanted to do whatever the reason I am here to do.
This guy who once was a kid came quite a ways. Kinda got more than I bargained for huh?
That's okay though, I am not today who I would have been left to my own devices. I stand not as a Saint, yet with help, and a promise I can still do good.
Ha! I kinda wondered what else I'd do if I didn't blog.
Funny.
Anyway, I spose.
Til next time.
xoxo. :)
xxoo. :)
Laterzzz. :)
Byeee. :)))
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