2nd And 10.

Good morning. How's it going?   Me, I am fine. Yesterday I had to get cat food after work so I drove. Lisa had a work function so I was solo for dinner. I picked up a porterhouse for half price.  Yum. I do something special for myself if I eat solo. Many times it is just salmon, cuz Lisa doesn't like salmon. Just did that recently though.

That was pretty much the extent of the day. When I got home I did nothing really. I did laundry,  sat on my butt with the t.v. off and just hung out in my mind. I am not bored there.

I didn't read anything or watch anything. Just sat and thought of stuff.  Nothing too important either. I wasn't dreaming of future plans or anything cuz I don't do that. I sorta took stock of my life and realized I am as free as can be.

Life entangles, and life enslaves. It is hard to tell what does it more. Life in general or just us. Plans are always made by people that leave less freedom.

Unknown to me I guess the path I took left much of the entanglement away. When it came time for me to drop everything, and go in the wilderness I did. If it is hard for a rich man to enter I surely wasn't that.

Of course those words are spiritual in nature. A rich person is full in spirit,  and without fear. One of the beatitudes is those who are poor in spirit. I was that. Instead of the richness of being full in spirit, I was left with the consuming fear of being poor in spirit.

The sword is spiritual,  and none can understand it. It is a dead end. I am mostly spirit on the inside so I see the sword for as it is. In my final state I will have understanding, and the sword will be something I can use. Right now it does me no good.

Anyway, I've been this way for approaching 3 decades. Somewhere in maybe '91 or '92 I knew the end of my story. The end of my current story,  and the beginning of the new one. I didn't know when it would take place.  I still don't,  but the numbers suggest sooner rather than later.

Stuff has to happen first is my guess, and I assume that too will happen sooner rather than later.

Wanna know the theme to my story?  Deny myself, and God's will. What does that mean? 

I left myself for dead. I gave up everything for the worst ending for myself. With no hope I laid myself bare, and if the worst possible ending for myself was in the cards I accepted it.

In so denying myself I actually found victory. In this story victory was not up to me.  It wasn't my deeds, work ethic, character,  you name it.

It was just a scared person drained of all hope who was given the courage to overcome. A heart strengthened with a strength not of my own.

Having known my whole story for quite a while I guess it makes me disinterested in stuff. Knowing the full truth of all people I can not really be faked.

Knowing my outcome totally is not of my doing makes me realize there is very little anyone can do. There are no trophies in my journey. Just being assured. Being able to be solo. Having confidence, and not being a surety to someone who may be a stranger.

My trophy is strength I guess. Something inside me. Something you cannot see. Just a gift I was given for my struggles I guess. My route was hard and scary. Scary cuz I knew the consequences. It wasn't up to me to be able to be on the right side.

My heart did not comprehend, but when I overcame myself way back in the early 90's that sealed my fate for good. I still had to walk my scary path.  A path where my bad ending was all I could see.

These days I just wait. Not much for me to worry about. Just living out my days til it is my time to finish this story.

Anyway, I guess that's good.

Have a good one.   :)

xoxo.    :)

xxxx.    :)

Laterzzz.   :)

xxoo.     :)