Already A Change.

Hello, and good morning. How's it going?   I am doing good. As some of you know my Uncle died just recently. My brother and I are the beneficiaries of the estate. Most of that will be tied up in probate for 6 months,  but we will receive ~1/6-1/7th in an annuity he has. I got the papers fed ex'd to me yesterday. I signed it in front of a notary, and sent it on its way. After the taxes I took out this little part of the estate will give me around $10,000 more in cash than I will make all year between my 3 jobs. That's kinda a big deal. The rest is just ludacris.

I'll get that in a week or two. I owe ~$95,000 on my house,  and between car and credit card maybe $5,000.  I guess I'll pay off the car early, even though the interest rate is ridiculously low. Credit card is 0% too, so I guess I'll pay that off too. Other than that no major trips or anything dumb like that. A New furnace, just cuz ours is old. A New for me truck too I guess.

I have 3 jobs, which I will keep, cuz it is nice having money come in. I'll have more money coming in than I will spend, cuz I don't really spend a lot. I am at a good age I guess to come into money, cuz I will not try to outsmart the World,  and make a gazillion dollars. I have no need to go on extravagant trips. I will sit on cash,  and invest conservatively. Still though, it is pretty crazy.

At the age of 51 I am pretty well set. Mostly cuz I have few interests. I am happy with work, eat, sleep. I don't need anything else.  I am wise enough to know I am not missing out on anything.

The World kinda pictures our minds with all kindsa dreams. It turns our mind into a coloring book, and we can imagine how great it will all end. It's life. You'll end up like my Uncle. There are things to learn in life,  but most never get there.

Anyway, it still is pretty crazy seeming to me.

Still though just another day in the life. Today will be another one.

Til next time.   :)

xoxo.   :)

xxxx.     :)

xxoo.   :)

Laterzzz.     :)

The Difference In A Day.

Good morning. How's it going?  Me, I am doing okay. I don't know why, but it is always easier for me to get up on Monday , than it is Sunday. This Sunday I got up in time to get to work at 5:00 AM, but I relaxed, and went in at 6:00, actually a little after.

I'd say big deal,  but that seems to be the case a lot. Maybe cuz I sleep in on Saturday. I don't know. Work went good yesterday. It was my longer Sunday, but I finished in just under 8 hours. I thought I might have a little longer day.

Not much really going on. I made Italian beef for dinner last night. I had giardinieri too. So yummy.  Also I am on book 19 of my Janet Evanovich-stephanie Plum series. They are entertaining. I find myself lol'ing a lot when I listen to them.

What else?  Hmmmm...  not much. I never really have a plan with these things, but I figure if I am up, I should do this. I am somewhat surprised when I have nothing like today. It seems I should always be able to come up with something.

Life goes on though. I don't know what today will be like. I assume it will be similar to most other days. I think there is a good chance of rain this whole week,  so I'll see about biking to work.

That's about it.  Sorry about publishing this.   :)

Cya.   :)

xxxx.       :)

xoxo.    :)

xxoo.    :)

Bye.   :)

.

. 

Titles... who needs 'em

Good morning. How's it going?  Me, I am doing good. I have my coffee, and ready to start the day. Yesterday was pretty normal, except Lisa got a flat tire so I had to go change it. I just priced out 4 new fires, so I'll get that done. Luckily the cheapest place is right by her work. Belle tires is cheaper than Wal-Mart. Who knew?

Other than that I made lasagna using a home made sauce from my canned tomatoes. It was pretty good. Better than Prego, which is what I usually buy. It just had a little more tang,  and I can add my own seasonings.

That was pretty much it. I did sleep in today. I almost was wide awake at like 1:30AM, but did fall back asleep.

I think back to yesterday's post, and I realize it is pretty impossible for you to know what I am talking about. When I went through the eye of the needle way back when it made me different. I remember I felt like a kid was my thought.   I didn't know what it meant til later.

I learned much through suffering actually. 6 days with the worst of the worst living in me, persecuting me. I was lifted up, and made full in spirit. All of a sudden I knew a lot of things most/all did not know. Being full in spirit for that short while made me think I was the best a person can be.

I had to be taken down quite a ways to learn there was much more. I was made poor in spirit, and all of a sudden I was vulnerable to what I just endured. It was taught to me who has control,  and what I endured was allowed to happen for a reason.

So anyway at this stage I was made to feel like the enemy of who I didn't want to be an enemy of. Night and day fear was my companion. It led me to overcoming the first time,  and the hospital.

I definitely played the fool. The real World thought I was crazy, and who could blame them. None walked my steps, and I couldn't tell anyone, cuz it was sheer lunacy.

So my ride was solo. No teacher I could talk to, and no one who could help me on my way. I eventually was given a certain amount of freedom.  My energy was given back, and I knew I had a story. I knew I wasn't the author of the story,  so time I couldn't control. As far as my story goes there was nothing I could do. So on went the dead years. The early 90's were my secret. My secret to keep, cuz who could I tell?

Eventually I told my story. I think maybe in heimleblog,  and probably the journey. The story that was locked inside me opened up.

We've come a long way kinda. Met a lot of people with this thing. Most are scattered here and there. I have no idea with a lot of people,  and I neither have the time or desire to figure out what people are doing.

My story as of now is done save for that final thing. Nothing else for me to do. As long as I felt kinda an enemy, during the dead years I didn't,  and after overcoming the 2nd time I finally felt on the right side of right.  Finally secure, and assured.

Being full in spirit one feels secure, and assured. I was to learn I should trust in something more than those things. Til this day I am poor in spirit, and I feel what I wanted all along. I am accepted,  so I feel these things,  and confident.

I trust in what I was intended to. My story was hard, and I questioned why back long ago. To save more lives was the answer.

I don't know how all that works. I am a vessel being used for a purpose. As imperfect as all the other prophets save one.

I have to follow the path of the perfect one, and then my story ends, and a new one begins. I am afraid that is when some of you will be able to walk in my shoes. You'll know my story,  and you will get a taste of what I endured. For those it will not be a pleasant experience. I think it is the 2nd 5 who will be those people, but I don't know these things for sure.

Anyways, more stuff you cannot understand.   :)

Have a good one.   :)

xoxo.   :)

xxxx.   :)

xxoo.   :)

Laterzzz.   :)

2nd And 10.

Good morning. How's it going?   Me, I am fine. Yesterday I had to get cat food after work so I drove. Lisa had a work function so I was solo for dinner. I picked up a porterhouse for half price.  Yum. I do something special for myself if I eat solo. Many times it is just salmon, cuz Lisa doesn't like salmon. Just did that recently though.

That was pretty much the extent of the day. When I got home I did nothing really. I did laundry,  sat on my butt with the t.v. off and just hung out in my mind. I am not bored there.

I didn't read anything or watch anything. Just sat and thought of stuff.  Nothing too important either. I wasn't dreaming of future plans or anything cuz I don't do that. I sorta took stock of my life and realized I am as free as can be.

Life entangles, and life enslaves. It is hard to tell what does it more. Life in general or just us. Plans are always made by people that leave less freedom.

Unknown to me I guess the path I took left much of the entanglement away. When it came time for me to drop everything, and go in the wilderness I did. If it is hard for a rich man to enter I surely wasn't that.

Of course those words are spiritual in nature. A rich person is full in spirit,  and without fear. One of the beatitudes is those who are poor in spirit. I was that. Instead of the richness of being full in spirit, I was left with the consuming fear of being poor in spirit.

The sword is spiritual,  and none can understand it. It is a dead end. I am mostly spirit on the inside so I see the sword for as it is. In my final state I will have understanding, and the sword will be something I can use. Right now it does me no good.

Anyway, I've been this way for approaching 3 decades. Somewhere in maybe '91 or '92 I knew the end of my story. The end of my current story,  and the beginning of the new one. I didn't know when it would take place.  I still don't,  but the numbers suggest sooner rather than later.

Stuff has to happen first is my guess, and I assume that too will happen sooner rather than later.

Wanna know the theme to my story?  Deny myself, and God's will. What does that mean? 

I left myself for dead. I gave up everything for the worst ending for myself. With no hope I laid myself bare, and if the worst possible ending for myself was in the cards I accepted it.

In so denying myself I actually found victory. In this story victory was not up to me.  It wasn't my deeds, work ethic, character,  you name it.

It was just a scared person drained of all hope who was given the courage to overcome. A heart strengthened with a strength not of my own.

Having known my whole story for quite a while I guess it makes me disinterested in stuff. Knowing the full truth of all people I can not really be faked.

Knowing my outcome totally is not of my doing makes me realize there is very little anyone can do. There are no trophies in my journey. Just being assured. Being able to be solo. Having confidence, and not being a surety to someone who may be a stranger.

My trophy is strength I guess. Something inside me. Something you cannot see. Just a gift I was given for my struggles I guess. My route was hard and scary. Scary cuz I knew the consequences. It wasn't up to me to be able to be on the right side.

My heart did not comprehend, but when I overcame myself way back in the early 90's that sealed my fate for good. I still had to walk my scary path.  A path where my bad ending was all I could see.

These days I just wait. Not much for me to worry about. Just living out my days til it is my time to finish this story.

Anyway, I guess that's good.

Have a good one.   :)

xoxo.    :)

xxxx.    :)

Laterzzz.   :)

xxoo.     :)

OMG What An Epic Day.

Just kidding.  It was another day, and really not unlike others. I did make a new for me cookie at home. It was a chocolate cookie with chocolate mint chips in it. I am not one to eat cookies, but those were pretty ridiculous.

For fear of overbaking them I underbaked them, so they were soft and gooey. We had taco salad for dinner, and I had a huge plate. I fell asleep at some point, and woke up not knowing what day it was. I had no idea what century it was, or what galaxy I was on.

I did sleep good though,  cuz I woke up 2 hours before my alarm, and felt well rested. Been a good week sleep wise. Really the only bad thing about the last two days is the cold and shitty rain. Other than that pretty okay I'd say.

Nothing major going on in my life. No huge plans. Nothing epic in the foreseeable future. Most pressing thing on my mind is what to do for dinner.

This is pretty much the extent of my life. Work, eat, sleep. You know that though. There really isn't a ton to worry about. There really isn't a ton to blog about either.

I'll still publish this garbage though,  cuz then someone may have to read it.  :)

Have a good day.   :)

xoxo.    :)

A New Week.

Good morning. How's it going?   Me, I am doing good. Yesterday was pretty okay. Work was busy. It rained, so I drove,  and got a haircut. I stopped at a local place, and had a couple beers for the heck of it. We made dinner, I went to bed.  I slept good too. I was wide awake one hour before my early alarm, and well rested.

So now starts another day. I am well rested so it starts off good. A ton of rain again today,  so I'll drive again. Really there isn't much going on.  I remember saying I don't have much going on, so not much to blog about. Hasn't that been the case all along?  Do any of us really have a lot going on? 

Not really. It is just life.  Day after day of whatever it is we do. I guess I am glad about my life. It is easy. I can look at pretty much anyone's life, and be glad I have mine.

I guess mainly cuz there isn't anything pressing about mine. No worries of should I do this and that?  I am not lonely,  I don't really get bored. I am missing out on nothing in life. Also I thought of all the acquaintances in my life. Under debts to people on my life's balance sheet, I find my accounts to be zero.  I owe no one anything.  People come, and people go, and I don't care.

I am strong on my own, and content. Under wishes I have for life,  nothing really. Just live out my days with a content heart.  Of course I wait for that final thing the current version of me has to do, but I have absolutely no idea when that is.  Not a clue. This blog is called the wait, and that is all I do now.

I just wait for that final thing, and whatever it is others are supposed to do, I have no idea. Maybe we are still in the wilderness. I can't tell, cuz I don't care either way. I am in the matrix zone so to speak,  so nothing really affects me.

Isn't that the wilderness anyway?  Literally and figuratively.  In the wilderness the World does not matter one bit.  In the wilderness either do we. That is a brutal truth to life for those who can accept it.

We are not important,  and our lives surely aren't special. I guess deep down we want to matter. Be considered smart and what not, but the accumulation of Worldly information doesn't matter, cuz the World doesn't matter in the wilderness.  We toil in vain.

If only there was a way to do it with a happy and content heart. I guess that's my story huh?  That is where this all led. With help even the wilderness does not even affect me one bit.

Anyway, I guess that's good.

Cya.   :)

A Day Was Had.

Good morning. How's it going?  Me, I am doing fine. Yesterday was a pretty okay day. Work went good. It got up to like 77° outside. Hope, and I sat outside for a bit after I walked her.

Afterwards I cleaned up the kitchen, started laundry, and made dinner. With dinner I made double baked potatoes,  and it might have been my best batch yet.

So there you have it. A day was had. I paid some bills too. Our financial situation seems to be a bit better than I thought too. Basically means we have more money compared to bills than I thought. Always a good thing.

Other than that not much going on. At this point my life is not so strangely easy. Been this way a while you know?  I don't know if it is possible, but it seems like I like my normal more and more. My life is even going to get easier. Work is moving closer and stuff.

My story has been long in the making. Whether it was that old lady telling me I must have the patience of Job as I was doing some cleaning in her room at the old people's place place to the years that have piled up since.

At some point I guess I wanted to matter,  but not knowing,  I think I just wanted to live like this. In my story that just doesn't happen. There are building blocks, lessons, steps,  harsh truths that need to be learned.

In the end I had to be made this way. I had to go through trials and stuff. I cannot be who I am now if my heart were in my own hands.

We all seek out the easy life, and I have one. You cannot know how I am however,  cuz you are who you have always been. You still seek out answers.

I don't think I really have them for you, cuz all journeys are personal. Your own story, and I don't make stories.  I surely didn't make mine. I wanted a good story I guess, and that is what I really wanted all along.

It isn't much I know, but I like it.

Anyway, I guess that's good.

Have a good one.   :)

xoxo.    :)

I Promise You Nothing On This One.

Good morning. How's it going?   Me, I am fine. I tried to blog yesterday, but deleted. Didn't really have anything. Today may be more of the same. I am back into my working routine. It is my normal, and I guess I like normal.

Yesterday was a pretty good day. I remember laughing a lot at work over stupid stuff. I feel we got a lot done too. We did a tour of the new bakery after. In just a few months we will be working out of there. Maybe a mile from my house. Closer to all of us really. Most of us are Southsiders  aka coolsiders.    ;)

We went out to dinner at the old people's restaurant. I didnt really have anything for dinner to cook, but I took something out of the freezer for tonight.

So there you have a day. Nothing too exciting about it. Nothing terribly pressing on my mind. This is pretty much why I have nothing to blog about.

This also is pretty much why I deleted yesterday. Today I'll publish so you have to read it.  I am nice like that.

I may see you here tomorrow. Maybe not too. Not a lot in my life to write about.

Laterzzz.    :)

xoxo.  :)

Back To Normal'ish

Good morning. How's it going? Me, I am okay. I am back home, and going back to work today.  I think having people you know die is always a strange and sad thing.

I am not always very family oriented. Part of the reason I never wanted kids. I am selfish. Also another reason is new borns are a pain in the ass,  and kids are  not my thing. The writing on the wall was clear at an early age.

Bob was always a part of our family,  and maybe mostly cuz it seemed most times either John or Jim lived with him. I did enjoy getting to know him a bit. It was always good to visit,  although I didn't much the last couple of years. Our vehicles weren't always reliable. Our finances were not the best, and I work a lot. I will never get awards for family member of the year. Life goes on, but memories always come around after these types of things.

This is a part of life though,  and we all go through it. So, I go back to the grind. I don't really grind, cuz I work,  eat, sleep. Eventually I eat a meal to end my day. Life really isn't this terribly exciting thing we do. It is day after day of what we do. People in different countries do different things. I guess one of the keys to happiness is the truth, but the truth of life is the last thing we expect it is.

I guess we think somewhere life has to be this magical thing somehow, but it isn't. There are unwritten rules for being organized, but once you die your files are useless. They are garbage. There are no rewards for a lifetime of good filing techniques.

If that is the case then what is important?  No matter what you do in life you don't escape death. That must mean something. That is a truth of life,  and death is always something that happens to other people. We have plenty of time to polish up our filing techniques, and buy shit other people will eventually have to do something with. 

Life is strange. No doubt about it.  Our heroes in the long run are not any better than us. I guess that means in a big World there are no heroes.

So today, this month, whatever, I am sure I will personally reflect on stuff, cuz that's what we do during these times. As time goes on it seems death becomes more natural. We get older we kinda expect it more, cuz we deal with it more.

Last week I got a text from my brother to give him a call. I knew it was bad news. Either my Dad or Bob. My little family I grew up with got just a little bit smaller.

Death makes life even stranger than it already is.

Anyhoo, I guess that's good.

Have a good one.   :)

xoxo.   :)

It Is Strange.

Good morning. How's it going?  Me, I am okay. We had the funeral for my Uncle yesterday. I traveled to Chicago on Sunday, and the last two days were a lot of things.

Just two weeks ago my Uncle had files for prescriptions,  stuff dealing with Healthcare,  and financial papers,  Medical History,  and whatnot. Upon his death all these papers automatically get turned into garbage. Useless. I find that strange. The returned checks he has dating back to 1963 were probably garbage AT LEAST 5 or 50 years ago.

There were pictures, and the ones I find most strange were him, his sister (My step mom), and grandma and grandpa. That family of 4 are all passed now. A nuclear family only alive in memories.

I looked around his house to see the things he has, mostly out of strange curiosity. When we pass, the things we accumulate through out the years turn into other people's problem.

I tried to picture this last year of his, and I am afraid it is probably a pretty sad story. His health was deteriorating quickly. He was suffering from something real similar to Lou Gehrigs disease. I think in his mind he was at mile 20 of the Chicago Marathon,  and if he just gutted it out for 6 more miles things would be fine. Unfortunately that is not how things really work.

It was a good service. My brother honored him well with a Great speech. Pictures of him and my mom in their younger years are crazy. Young kids laughing,  and having a good time. To have them gone now is strange.

It's also strange to think my mom died 27 years ago. We all are getting older. Time stops for no one.

Death is the saddest part of life, and also the strangest in its own way. Times like this it seems humans screwed up somewhere. We probably shouldn't kill other people. Death will come to us all soon enough.

Anyway  just some things I thought of.

Have a good one.   :)

xoxo.    :)

I Spose.

Good morning. How's it going?   Me, I am doing good. Yesterday was another day. I worked,  saw a movie, came home sat on the couch,  ate pizza, and went to bed around 8:00 pm. Lisa went with her friend to a bonfire.  Just Another day really.

Today there will be work,  and a meal. I guess the strangest seeming thing about yesterday was me just sitting on the couch. I thought about renting some movies, but I had to pee, so I thought I'd watch something on Netflix. I didn't even turn on the tv. That is me to a tee. I can just sit on the couch without the tv on. Sometimes I just can't get into it. I get the same feeling with coffee too. Just not feeling it. I am comfortable in my own head.

There is plenty to think about too. My Uncle's assets are considerable. Really life changing considerable,  although it won't change my life much.

I guess I can be open about this. I don't know how this all works,  but his assets will be tied up in probate for 6 mos. Against his Lawyers recommendation he had it set up this way, although I guess he was thinking of switching it over. Anyway it amounts to some Lawyer fees, and probably 6 months before it gets all cleared up. It depends on the State, and I assume Illinois to be around 6 months, but it should be simple. The will is clear,  and there aren't any debts outside the town house. The pay off is set up in a non probate asset, and we'll get that in a few weeks or something.

So yeah one day you are living your life,  and the next day you win the lottery. Pretty crazy. I guess maybe I suspected we'd get some money, and I knew his town house is worth a good amount, but I didn't really know how all that would work out.

I guess it could be a life changer, cuz after I pay off my house there will still be a considerable amount of money left over. So you think about your life. You can change it really,  what would you do?  Lisa and I just pretty much figured we would do the same stuff. I like my life. I like working as I do, and enjoying a nice meal at the end of the day.

We will look for property I guess, cuz in our later years we want to live in a tiny house,  so we can plan that. I want to live where I do now for a good while,  cuz my commute in March will be one mile.  :)

The new bakery will be open. We will finish our house to max out our resale. We may eventually just rent it out too. All things being equal renting in Holland, MI is a lucrative prospect. 5 to 10 years who knows?

Anyway, as you can imagine that is pretty nutty. At the end of the day I like my life, even before all this. I like it so much, money won't change it. Perhaps it makes it a bit more easy, cuz there will not be a lot of financial stress all things being equal.

I guess that's good. 

Have a good one.   :)

xoxo.    :)

To Another Day.

Hello, and good morning. How's it going?  Me, I am doing good. Yesterday was another day, and I think it was okay. I am the type of person who can't really shut their mouth. It turns out my brother and I are the sole beneficiary of Uncle Bob's assets. He's been retired since forever,  and now I wonder just what he did with his time?  

A man who really lived a simple life. So I'll get a bit of money. Enough where I could quit my 2 part time jobs if I wanted, but I don't. I could have quit one or two a bit ago probably,  but I don't have much to fill up my day. It's nice having money coming in, and it's good to finish a day with some labor attached to it. Work, eat, sleep. Really I work, cuz I think left to my own devices I might just get lazy. These days I have stuff to do each day.

I know the balance is out of whack, cuz there is stuff to do around the house. Projects and whatnot.  It's hard to really nail every aspect of life huh?

So, finding that out was pretty crazy. We went out to dinner last night, cuz we had to shop for miscellaneous stuff. Paper towels, Kleenex, cleaning stuff, and whatnot. Oh yeah my Sunday job just contacted me, and told me to take Sunday off. I am going to Chicago for a couple days. I am leaving Sunday. I told them I can still work like 5 hours, but it looks like I get a day off. 3 in a row actually. There is a funeral though so you know.

I wonder what his final years were like really. I was Mia,  and lives are pretty busy. He was kinda alone at the end really. My brother was planning on moving in with him in a couple weeks just to have someone around. I guess with his disability the last couple years he learned how his sister lived, while help raising 3 boys.

You cannot really get in his head. I think I had some insight to some secrets he kept to himself. Unconfirmed,  but one time we went yo the Y, while I was visiting. I was swimming at the time so I did some laps. We just worked out, and did the sauna, and stuff.

Anyway lives are strange. We don't really get to know people too much on the inside, and Bob fits that. I fear our insides aren't filled with things that one would equate with Sainthood. I know it, and I assume we all kinda deal with that now.

There is no perfect life,  but I find mine to be pretty content. Work,  eat, sleep is my motto, so I think I'll stick with it.

Anyway I am driving today,  cuz I want to see the Jackie Chan movie after work.

That is it for today!!!    :)

Thanks for reading!!!    :)

Hope Everyone has a Great and Awesome day!!!    :)

xo's!!!    :)

Love You All!!!     :)

p.s. I wonder if I can do this thing totally correctly still.   :)

Love You All xoxoxoxoxo

Ya'All are the best xoxoxoxoxo

Extras of these xoxoxoxoxo

Extras of these xxxxxxxxx

Luv Ya's.   :)

MWAH.   :)))

xxoo.   :)

xoxo ;)

Now for really really cya cya cya    :D     :D

Laterzzz Gaterzzz.  :)

Aloha.    :)

Xxxxxxxxxxx Oooooooooo.    :)

A Strange Thing Happened Yesterday.

Good morning. How's it going? Me, I am okay. Yesterday was pretty normal, and my strange thing isn't totally strange. It rained like cats and dogs yesterday so I drove. I planned on probably getting a haircut, cuz I drove. Maybe stop by the Mexican store to make steak fajitas for dinner.

Unexpectedly I got really tired at work. I left work, and drove straight home. I sat on the couch, and woke up sometime later. I basically passed out. I don't nap much, but I did yesterday. I made a stupid easy meal too. You know those boxed au gratin potatoes by Betty Crocker?  You know those kielbasa sausages by whatever company makes those?  Eckrich. Anyway that was my main meal, and a can of green beans. It was sooooo good. So easy to make, and it tasted really good. It might not be good for you, but it was delish. 

Anyhoo, that was pretty much my day.  I guess you would call it work,  eat, sleep. Today I am having a cup of coffee to start my day.

I don't see anything terribly crazy going on today. I'll have to check the weather to see about biking.

You know what?  I got nothing really today. I may cya here tomorrow.

Laterzzz.    :)

xoxo.    :)

A Little Of This, And A Little Of That

Good morning. How's it going?   Me, I am okay. I've been sleeping in this week, and it feels pretty good. Lately I haven't been drinking coffee much either. I don't know why. Today I have time to make it, but I don't want any. Coffee is strange with me. Sometimes I just know it won't do anything for me.

Yesterday I got all my clothes folded,  and put away. I have a little area I hang up all my jackets too. Getting ready for colder weather. I still bike most days in the winter if able, so definitely bundle up. I am driving today,  as it is raining.

I haven't been back to Chicago in forever. I thought about that,  and part of that is I work a lot. I thought back to the last few years,  and there was a period I guess we struggled financially. These days we do pretty good,  but I never really felt the pull to go back.

I've seen my Dad, and brother,  and his daughter, cuz they came  to Michigan.  I'll be going back soon. My Uncle died yesterday. His life was probably pretty tough the last few years. He couldn't walk so great with a MS  type disease or something. He never really did a ton of stuff. He traveled some. I know both my brothers lived with him for a good amount of time in his various houses. He was the one who found Jim dead.

It is the natural order of events. One day we all end up like him. We will breathe our last. Our story is what happens from birth to death. It took a lot for me to see the true nature of things. What is my story I guess I asked at an early age. I didn't see one to make. I was not a very good author, so I couldn't author myself to a good story.  I didn't know what an ideal life was. I stepped out of my upbringing just like I said I would. Threw everything away. I was a product of my upbringing, and society. Like that I could not see the World objectively. When I  did see, I didn't like it.

The World was dirty. Imperfection was everywhere. What is a clean path? 

In the end there was no perfect path. My story I guess was one of learning. I know the nature of all people, cuz I learned of my true nature. Left to our own devices we all can make some pretty shitty stories I guess.

We are selfish. Creatures of imperfection who hide things, and try to show off our "good enough" side. I went a step further, or many steps further, and found out the source of my imperfection. In a World where I wanted to make me the best person ever it was out of reach.

It was not in my power to make me perfect. It was not in my power to give me a great heart.

My turn done decades ago brought me down a path I did not expect. It was not easy in the least. I did make it to the other  side so to speak.

There is a story I guess. It isn't very sexy really. I guess it is one man's quest to find the truth. It just so happens the truth was more than I bargained for.

As people we just are not that great. Settling for "good enough" is just that... settling.

Anyway life goes on. I'll be back for the funeral and stuff. My Uncle or mom's brother is the last part of that family we really had ties with. If I ever went to Chicago I had a place to stay.  If we ever flew out of Ohare we had a drive to and from the airport.

I'll think about my Uncle I guess. We never really got to know him on the inside. He probably had secrets. He was nice, and a big help to my brothers. I can't help but think his life was kinda sad.

Anyhoo, I guess that's good.

Have a good one.  :)

xoxo.   :)

Just Another Day.

Hello,  and good morning. How's it going? Me, I am doing good. I do this a  lot. Today I was thinking what happened yesterday I should write about. 

Ha!!  Nothing very important. There was work,  I ate stuff, and I slept. I paid some bills. I had a few beers. That's about it.

That pretty much sums up all my days I guess I don't see any huge changes today either.  I'd say I am on a schedule, and I know how most my days will be. I don't feel guilty about anything.

Maybe I am selfish, cuz I just do what I want. It just so happens there isn't terribly  much I want to do. I don't have enough time to read the books I want. Check out the shows I want. Do all the things I want to do with the house.

I plug along I guess. I cook meals a lot. It's a simple life. I am not lonely, and I am not bored.

What other people do I don't really care I don't think. People come, and people go. Whatever. I don't miss anyone. I don't see lives being all that interesting, so really people do not bring much to the table. We are not here to impress people, cuz we won't.

Nothing really great we are doing here. I guess at some point I wanted a life that mattered. I went down that path. In the end I found out the truth. My life does not matter.  I am cool with that, because I am on the right side of being right.

For those in the know being on the wrong side of being right is a scary thing. That is useless information for you though, cuz you never walked down that avenue. You never dealt with the terror of knowing what was at stake.

Hearts aren't made that way. Hearts are a part of the World,  so are only concerned with Worldly things.

The secret to life is to be happy,  and be content. It's also to not worry what others are doing. I'd go so far to say to not even care really what others are doing.

A perfect heart you cannot make,  although it isn't impossible to get one. None have one now.  Me either.

A perfect life you will never make,  and that is one of the things you have to deal with.

I think everyone wants to exit life with bonus points for the great deeds we have done. So far you are being shut out, cuz points come from something different than you think or can even imagine.

I have points, and it was cuz I was led like a sheep to endure harsh truths with no help in sight.

I had help though. Unseen trials no one could see. My trials were done in private, and so were my rewards I guess. A story that really started in like 1990, and I didn't really feel secure til whenever the wait started.

We have done this so long, and have we really even done anything? 

Not really.  That's pretty funny.

Anyway, I guess that's good.

Have a good one.   :)

xoxo.   :)

Something I Noticed.

Hello, and good morning. How's it going?  Me, I am doing good. Yesterday I had a pretty okay day. I felt like a million bucks. Work went good,  and I had a plan for the night. I was just going to make spaghetti with fresh baked bread. I made brownies from scratch too. It was fun, and it was good.

What I noticed however is there is not enough time. I have a book I want to read. I have some cleaning to do. Any shows on tv?  I had time to cook, bake, eat, and bedtime was not far away. I thought man we always have too much to do. Even a life as simple as mine runs out of hours.

I am sure I thought of that before,  but maybe I thought I was past that. There always is stuff to do, or stuff we should do.

Am I going to stress about it?  NOT AT ALL. I am not sure if I stress about much or anything.

At the age of 51 I guess it is a good thing to be cool with life. I know what it is about.  I don't worry about current events, cuz that is just more time wasted thinking about stupid shit. More time to get angry, more time to stress about shit.

Maybe people worry about external events cuz they want to make a difference or something. It's like that Michael Jackson song about the man in the mirror. He couldn't do much about the man in the mirror,  and you can't either. I guess it is safe to say you should worry about that person in the mirror prior to going out changing the World. It will make a good amount of difference,  cuz you'll see how silly you've been acting.

Ridiculous really.

Anyway, I guess that's good. 

Have a good one.   :)

Cya.    :)

xoxo

Back At It I Guess.

Hello, and good morning.  How's it Going?  Me, I am fine. Yesterday was okay as far as days go. I got up early, I worked,  I came home, and got some shit done. I had a lot of tomatoes again yesterday. Enough to can two more quarts. That makes 11. I will start using them soon. To be honest I felt pretty good getting that done. Prior to that I did the dishes. We let them go the last couple days. Lisa was sick,  and I was lazy. I may have been sick too, or under the weather. Usually I may not know, cuz I don't feel terribly different day in day out, unless I am tired I guess.

Anyway, I feel that is a good start to the week. Normally when famous people die I don't think twice. It's not like any of us will escape that end. That being said I think it sucks TP died. I won't mourn him,  cuz I didn't know him, but it still sucks.

Actually it may be a true statement to say there wouldn't be many people I would mourn at this stage. We all are going to die, and really none of us are any great thing that we should be mourned.

What are our virtues above and beyond nothing?  I feel you would be hard pressed to add from zero to that question. Is it actually worth anything if you are for or against gun control?  Who cares? People kill people. People are angry at shit. You ain't gonna change that.  You can't even change you.

This World is strange kinda. The truth suggests it is a virtueless World,  and everyone is proclaiming just the opposite of themselves.

In the end where you stood on either side of an argument doesn't mean shit. Life in the end is just about you. You'd  be silly to think what you do doesn't matter.

I would hope at this stage you'd be able to see as far as virtues go you, and I are lacking. I know this about myself,  but I suspect most/all others are getting fitted for their halos. 

We ain't that fucking great. Our lives don't mean shit.  Here today,  and gone tomorrow. In the end it was the truth that was hidden,  cuz we all live a lie.  We are born blind. It takes a lot to be able to see. Maybe a blog that goes on and on can help.

I suspect that is part of what I do.

Anyway, I guess that's good. 

Cya.   :)

xoxo.   :)

Back To Your Regularly Scheduled Program.

Hello, and good morning. How's it going?  Me, I am doing fine. I am back on my regular schedule, and am ready. I actually worked for a bit on Saturday, but had to take Lisa to Prime care. She got sick, and was having problems breathing. The beginnings of bronchitis, plus asthma issues.

I did work yesterday too. I think I was feeling a bit under the weather too. I feel better today.  We did not get as much done  as we wanted, but today is another day. This week is another week. It is good to step away for a bit. Get a new perspective. I actually binge watched seasons 3, and 5 of American Horror Story. I am not a good binge watcher,  but I was on Friday and Saturday. Lazy, and maybe not feeling too great. Yesterday I finished listening to my 25 hour book or whatever.  I tried downloading the 2nd book in the series, but I am on a wait list.  I have book #15 In my bounty hunter series, so I'll continue with that.

Other than that we'll see what this week holds. All I know is I will work, eat, sleep. Other than that hopefully plug along with stuff around the house. I have to can more tomatoes today I think.  :)

Oops, I guess I got nothing. I did hear back on my Colonoscopy. It took me 51 years to get one little polyp. I assume that is some type of growth. It was benign, so next Colonoscopy is 10 years from now. That is good news. As I figured I am healthy there.

Anyway I'd normally delete this cuz it's dumb, but I don't really care.

Cya.