You'd Never Know...

I am beat.   I am sore.  My hamstrings are tight.  You would think I have been doing a lot of stuff, but it is all work related.  Lifting bending down etc...    Ever spend a day planting crap, and wake up the next day with tight hamstrings??  That is how I feel. 

I came home after work last night absolutely beat.  One of those night where there was a crap load to do.   I had to work my ass off just to leave 1 hour late.  I have to work tonight, and I don't even know where to begin.   On my nights where I am the one in charge, I like to leave the place better than when I found it.    Going to be a challenge tonight.   :)   I don't know where to begin.  These are the types of challenges I am usually pretty good at.   We'll see...

I am going to get me some coffee.  Hold on.  

Okay, I am back.  Is there anything going on with me??  Nope.  I am just living this exciting life of mine.  I don't really have anything to blog about, and who knows why??   I have some ideas of how life works, and how people work, and I think the last thing anyone wants is for people to know them.  

I remember talking to my Dad during one of my real real low points in life.   I was like you know what??  No one knows me.   I was kinda under pressure in the college days to be the fun guy, or maybe my own built in pressure.  I don't know.  It isn't hard to talk a person into going out and having fun.   I definitely had to grow up and learn some things.   Eventually I did, and Graduated College, and stuff.   Once I applied myself I was able to do pretty well.   I wasn't too horrible when I didn't apply myself too too much.   When I didn't apply myself at all, I was pretty bad.   :)  

What did it matter??   What was all that stuff growing up, and learning to apply myself at work and play.   The great balance.   What did it matter if I had to go and do the things I had to do anyway??  Is there any value in it at all??  My life really was get up.  Make sense of things.  Apply yourself to this, and this.   Become respectable.  etc...   Only to have your life thrown to the wolves.  

Seems nutty huh??  Kinda nutty I had to do all this hard horrible stuff to get where I am, and even so what did it amount to??   I guess all you can say is there is one who knows my life, and my path and my journey.   No one else does, and it was all for him. 

Maybe that is what the lady meant too when she told me to have the patience of Job.  Would I be faithful til the end.   Well, yes I was, because of help.  To go through the things I have gone through, and still be able to mostly be like this.  I am okay.   I am not too shabby.  

I lived a life where my past was hidden.   No one could see, and believe it or not I was blinded to a lot of it too.   Then at some point it opened up, and I was able to tell the story. 

It is a story of possibilities.   A story of enduring, and patience, and if this blog is one thing it sure is steadfast.   It is a story of perseverance and diligence.   The building blocks.   Remember that night during my bad Summer when I was supposed to go out and find/search for something.   Not knowing what it was, but that was it.  I thought I was supposed to walk all night, but I fell asleep outside.   That is how that Summer went.   I couldn't walk all night, so I felt I was horrible.   Worst person ever, and going to Hell, because of it.  This isn't self doubt or anything like that.   I was an open book.   Poor in Spirit where I could be open to all sorts of attacks, and I was that Summer.   Every second of every day, except maybe that hour or so we played basketball.   For just that little while life was a bit okay. 

Nothing could prep me for what I had to go through.  There was no manual, and no book written.  That is where you stand too.   You cannot find your answers in a book, and a manual etc...   You find them in life.   In the gentle ways you get pulled, and sometimes the not so gentle ways, which help open your eyes.   When our eyes become opened we become less arrogant.   Less confident, because when we feel we are all that, we are probably not in the best spot for us.  

So the strings of life have to be tugged for all of us. and sometimes it is really hard hard stuff that maybe doesn't seem fair.   Life isn't fair though.   All our formulas for success, and work ethic, and Human values we place on things will never ever help you in the life I lived. 

There is a whole other World out there of vast possibilities that are unseen to the Human eye.  It is a hard journey from where we began to where our eyesight becomes better.   I had to do stuff for many reasons, and this is one of the funny ones.   From outside the garbage room of Bromenn Healthcare to past blogs and the Wait.   I have still yet to see any fruits of my labor.  All the rewards are elsewhere though where no one can get them.

Wouldn't that be something if I am actually doing stuff.   I see no outcome of it, but still a lot is being done??    Maybe that drives me a bit crazy, or maybe we really haven't done anything at all.   I think in my hear I will know when things are going good though.  

Things could probably be better.

cya.