Something New!!

Well I feel I am totally in a new area now.  Something must have happened at my last week off.  I wonder if it was like one of those times where I may have deleted my blog.  You know where I felt the judgement on me was high, and everyone thinks me a bad person, and I want to hide. 

I definitely lost trust in some people, and I definitely did not want to read any e-mails directed to me, which I didn't read any.  I wonder if truth is really really hard to handle in high doses.  A true picture for us is not what we want to see, because really it is scary.  You know when I was really little in Palatine thinking what if there was nothing??  I couldn't comprehend it, and became scared, and ran inside. 

Hold on, I am going to get some coffee...

Holy shit, I am up early.  I thought it was 3 when I got up, not 1:00  :)  Remember that time where I was starting to worry about waking up for the day and still being able to watch "The Tonight Show"??   :)  Ha ha ha!! 

What a nutty journey this is.  Now that I think about it, I think the judgements were pretty high against me, when I took my last few days off.  Do you see I am doing better with those.  I am able to withstand them a bit better, those periods where you get a good view in the mirror, and the natural tendency is to not want to look.  Sometimes a true picture of ourself is scary.  We don't want to look, so the safer more secure thing to do is judge.  There is some security in judging, because it takes the view off ourself, but it really isn't the right way.  You know what though??  I have a feeling me getting better with those high judgement days, are also coinciding with you being better at looking at the mirror.  We are not perfect yet, but we are getting there.  As we go through these periods we all become stronger.  We become more honest with ourselves, and really that is the journey.  Us finding out who we really are. 

Your journey coincides with you seeing a true picture of yourself in the mirror, and me being able to endure heavy judgement without judging back.  My final act will be an acceptance of I am the worst of the worst, and I accept that which I deserve.  That was the path I said I would follow, and I remember a long time ago, a little necessary step I had to take.  This was after the hospital, and during my "physical" depression.  I said, "If I am destined to go to hell, please let me accept it as something I deserve." 

I always always thought I was being punished with my physical depression days.  That went on a long time ago, and remember Natalie my ex-girlfriend really helped me along with that.  She got me riding the exercise bike, and exercising.  I didn't feel all that great, but that definitely helped me.  I remember being angry at her, when she got angry at me for calling her at a bar.  What a crazy relationship we had.  We both ended up hurting each other I guess, and that was mostly due to us not understanding each other.  I wrote her letter every day when she was in Denmark kinda how I blog frequently now.  I did not know that it would be hard for her to write so often back to me.  I hope she can forgive me.  I wonder how she is doing now.  Do you ever wonder about that shit??  How ex's and stuff are doing. 

Oh well.  I guess I am just rambling.  Anyhoo just so you know, Pakize had a pretty good day yesterday, and she talked to her mum.  So that is good.  She called her mum.  :)  I love that.  :)

That is it for today!!!   :)

Thanks for reading!!!   :)

Hope Everyone has  a Great and Awesome Day!!!   :)

xo's!!!   :)

Love You All!!!   :)

p.s.  well, I don't really have one.  hmmm....  Oh yeah.  The Yankees SUCK!!!   :)

Love You All xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Ya'All are the best xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Extras of these xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Extras of these xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

I don't really have any extras, but I'll give some to Olga,  xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

I guess that I have been giving a lot of extras to Olga suggests trust is very important.  The quid pro quo.  That suggests to me that Olga really has a pretty high spot in my view.  Now so do a lot of you too, but always remember trust.  We aren't perfect so try and look past our shortcomings.  Just keep trusting, because that is what it is all about.  :)

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo   :)

Now for really really cya cya cya  :D   :D