Saturday, October 31, 2015

Just Like That It Is Almost November...

I slept a ton last night. It felt weird, cuz I kept thinking how long do I have til my alarm goes off?  I don't use one, it is my day to sleep in. I guess I was tired this week. Anyway, I just realized November is almost here, and before long the end of the year. It seems every year this blog has a theme. Last year was the drought year. I blogged about half as much as I used to. This year we added a lot, in what was surely a roller coaster year. I don't know what my blog totals will be, but it will be close to normal, if you consider I took a whole month off.

Pretty positive this blog accomplished nothing again as is usual. A good amount of time has gone in this thing, but I have nothing, but time. I can't say a good amount of effort went into it, cuz it ain't no thing.

What does it do??  Not really sure. What do I do??  Not really sure. I am just out there living my life without fear. I have no fear of death, cuz who cares??  We'll all die someday. I have no fear of life either, cuz unlike you I am not the product of one who took the bite out of the apple. If there is a way I am "supposed" to be, I don't know it, and if people judge  their little fiery arrows cannot penetrate me. They once could, but no longer.

You are powerless. One thing of my life too is friends come and go, and that does not concern me, cuz my life really is in another's hands, and I would not be what I am, if I didn't decide to take a path which wasn't mine.

People on their own are quite a trip. They seek out the superhuman, and there is none. All paths really lead to us judging, cuz we have to believe we are right, or what??  What does it mean if you are wrong??  You should think of that cuz you are.

How do I know??  Cuz my whole life was given to find right. Really, I seeked out perfection first, cuz I didn't know right could live without it. In my case it can, but eventually right, and perfect meet. That is the end of this story, and the beginning of a new one.

Then there is you??  What part do you play??  Currently you haven't played any part. Who, and what I am you have had little, and actually no say.

You are an acquaintance, and however you decide to act on that is up to you, cuz I am strong on my own. :)




Luv ya's.  :)

MWAH.  :)))

xxoo. :)

Friday, October 30, 2015

What Am I Doing Up This Hour??

Hello, and good morning. How's it going??  Me, I am doing pretty good. I've been sleeping in this week a lot, and not really sure why. I wasn't waking up before my early alarm a lot, and really when it does go off I have to want to do this, and I really haven't. That can be for a lot of reasons, but really the reason is you.

You have been given a lot of good info on this thing, but that info is wasted on you. Your coin you bury in the ground, cuz you are afraid. You are going to be judged one way or the other, and trust me, it will go soooooo much better if you go the way I speak. If you still seek out Saints due to some faulty preconceptions of life let me set you straight.  They aren't here, and there haven't been any for Centuries.

You are alone in this Earth, and there is only one person who can help you with the truth. Me. My story has gone on long enough, I do not have to rehash it.

I really am not sure how I can help you people. What can I say that hasn't been said??

If you have a mirror, and you have your life, then I guess I know some things about you.

If life is this great thing, and all that stuff, then why don't you feel better about it??  Why are you not happier??

The answer to me is simple, cuz you are missing out on what you don't even know is available. You are seeking for perfection or the "ideal" life on your own power, and that is a mistake/ disconnect. You are not as strong as you think. You are definitely not as good as you think. (If you think that).

But hey, it's Friday.

Have a good one.  :)



Laterzzzzzzz.  :)

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

I Have Time

Hello, and good morning. How's it going?  Me, I am doing so so. It seems inside me I am irritated, and not sure why. People I guess.  Who knows?  I had a pretty low key weekend. All my weekends are pretty low key. I work both days, and really nothing significant past that.

Yesterday started off pretty good. I got a ton of sleep. I could not sleep anymore, and I waited an hour in bed just waiting to get ready for work. I scouted out the temps, so I knew how to dress for the bike ride in. Do you ever start your work knowing the first person you see is going to be angry, and in a bad mood??  I knew what I was walking into on Monday, cuz that is what I walk into everyday. I realized yesterday I am done with that shit. I am tired of it, and it has no place in my life.

I thought about it yesterday too. I don't believe in shrinks. I think they know just as much of what makes a human tick as any other Joe Shmoe out there. They make people talk though. That angry dude needs to talk. Why waste your life being angry, and hating every person out there.  Life is too short to be like that. Fucking Christ.

Anyway, I am up early, so I'll take the hopester, and I'll bike to work, and then I'll make dinner. Another day in the life.

Who knows, maybe I'll even be a bit more sociable via the social networks. Maybe not too, some days you barely want to open that shit up.

Oh well, I guess that's it.


Saturday, October 24, 2015

A Day In The Bank

Hello, and good morning. How's it going??  Me, I am doing pretty good. I was kinda busy yesterday so kinda quiet. First off I decided to sleep til the late alarm, or my body decided for me. Actually stayed in bed a little later after that and drove to work. That was fine though, cuz after work I drove  to Lisa's work, and brought her a goodie. I've met a lot of people from her work with the funerals this Summer, and a party. There all pretty cool, and Lisa likes them all. I typically ride my bike, so I never ride my bike the 4 mikes out of the way to stop by.

Also I was going to make chili, so I thought I'd go to the library to find a recipe. I looked a bit around there, and got my recipe from the internet, and picked up a mystery book. I didn't like the chili recipe, but I do like my book, so I read most of the night, and eventually slept really good.

So there you have a day, and a night, and now I am onto another day. You can see my life is boring on the outside looking in, but I am never bored. I have a feeling you people are bored quite frequently, because your life is just the same as mine. Filled with just day to day nonsense. I gather many pretend what they do is important, but the truth will tell you different.

Life is this big thing, and aren't we supposed to do these big things?? Climb Everest, and shit like that so we can prove our worth is more than the peasants who toil day in and day out??

So much if life is actually what is on our inside, and our inside is flawed. All the things we don't want in there are there, and we hide it. We hide it with grand gestures, and who knows what else??

So I have a great sword in me, and if I didn't have a promise I would be too scared to use it. The sword I use is to help penetrate your hard hearts, because nothing else will get through to you. The purpose of our journey together is to take the path to a better us.

I am the one leading the way, because the way has been taught to me decades ago. It just so happens I lived some dead years for the right time to do this. I am being led with my heart what to do, and I don't have great vision of what we are doing, but the vision isn't horrible to what is going on.

I guess that's good. :)

Have a good one.  :)

Luv ya's.   :)



MWAH.  :)))

xxoo.  :)

Thursday, October 22, 2015

Stayed Up Late Again.

Hello, and good morning. How's it going??  Me, I am doing pretty good. I stayed up late again last night, but I was just cooking. We had some extra chicken so I made chicken salad. We had some extra eggs so I made deviled eggs, and helped make a casserole with the chicken. Then it was time to eat, and I stayed up late. :)

Hmmmm, what is on my mind??  Nothing. I have absolutely nothing to blog about, and almost thought of scrapping this.

The mouse who runs on the wheel in my head must be asleep. Guess well just dig deep.

There was nothing to dig deep to, and then I looked in myself. I felt my content heart, and natural happy well being, and then I thought of you. Who I am you cannot be. It isn't in your power to be like me. I don't care what I's you dot or T's you cross, you are missing something of life, and you have no idea it is available.

On you go toiling in your selfish endeavors, and the answer is to "sacrifice" your coin, which isn't a sacrifice at all, but you can't feel/know that as you are to get a good coin.

Your coin is flawed. It is like the coins of the Holy Roman Empire. Here today gone tomorrow. Only one coin stands the test of time. My life has been given to teach this stuff. I've endured horrors to learn many things. Centuries have come and gone without this type of teaching, and you all lack faith.

You don't believe, and you are not obedient, and your hearts must be harder than I thought.

My job is much more impossibler  than I thought. :)

Life is just the trap you walked into when you were born. Still you cannot be as me, cuz it took me a whole life to be like me.

Silly people.

My ending has changed cuz people lack courage.

Guess that's good.  :)

Have a good one.  :)

Luv ya's. (Adding Kathleen Paslaski to this). I haven't really given her much, but she is courageous.



MWAH.  :)))

xxoo.  :)

Laterzzzzzzzz.  :)

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Slept All The Way To The Early Alarm.

Hello. And good morning. How's it going??  Me, I am doing pretty good. But I stayed up too late again. I don't know what my deal is.  Usually I go to bed at a certain time, and these days I tend to stay up later. It isn't like I am doing anything important. Weird.

So, as I slept all the way to my early alarm I have absolutely nothing on my mind. Yesterday was a pretty good day, although I didn't really do much. I ran longer than my *normal*, and my normal is nothing I would have done in the past. I was only getting out for little 1-1/2 miler plus walks with Hope. A plethora of injuries really changes my routine. I probably don't have the capability to be a long distance runner, and stay injury free. One never knows though. I don't have a good track record of training for a marathon and showing up on game day. 5 out of 12-13-15-20??  Not really sure. I am an injury hazard.

I am healthy now though. The 3 miler I ran yesterday was actually challenging, and I used to never run 3 milers. :)   Endurance running is something you need to practice, that's for sure. I always liked the challenge of the whole thing.

Other than that not much going on. I guess I'll try and get another run in on this rainy Autumn day.

I guess that's good.

Have a good one.  :)

Luv ya's.  :)



MWAH.  :)))

xxoo.  :)

Laterzzzzzzzz.  :)

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

If I Get Up Earlier Maybe I Can Do More.

Hello, and good morning. How's it going??  Me, I am doing pretty good. Yesterday was a pretty okay day. I was able to finish work a little early, so I left an hour early. It took me about an hour to bike home with the 80MPH winds I was battling. Holy crap was that brutal.

Anyway on Sunday my wife said she would need help pulling plants, and getting them to the road, so I cut all our beach grasses using our recip saw, and brought them to the road. The city picks up all our shit like that and leaves when they fall. The trees with the major leaves still look pretty green.

Also as to my title, after I did the grass I drove out to the store real quick. There was a detour so I had to use a different way. Funny thing too, because it was the hilly side of my 6-8 mile route.  I haven't run that in forever, and I remembered it fondly. So I thought today since I woke up before my alarm why not get an early start and go a bit longer today.  So I got up, and that is what I am doing.

So what else is going on??  I think of many things a lot before I get out of bed. I think of me, and what I've been asked to do. I think of you, and I see the impossibility of my task.  It is a crazy story, and it is nutty. There must be something how it goes on and on that keeps people coming back, or staying or whatever it is they do. My heart is 100% assured in my path. My path was right, and it was good.

I know after being judged harshly it was hard for me to start up the journey, but I did. I had a lot of support back then from Barb and Beth, but I was still scared. Getting judged is brutal, especially for how I was way back then. I wanted to be right, cuz I wanted to feel secure. It was what I craved most. Being right is not in our power, and I guess that is another lesson learned. Being poor in spirit can leave one very vulnerable. So I suffered through some stuff, and what I wanted I got. Security. I didn't need to be right/perfect or whatever. I overcame the 2nd time, and the security I craved I received.

So I walk freely. I have no capability to be perfect, but the acceptance I wanted I got. During my bad Summer I had a great set of eyes. I saw many things, and most judged me. I am bad I am not good. These days nothing judges me. I see things and my heart is happy and content with them.

It has been quite a ride, and the dead years were really dead too. I never really talk too much about those years do I?

So how does this all relate to you, and what you are supposed to do??

Lol.  Not sure.

My story is for me. I am supposed to help you in ways I think, cuz it is my job. I do as my heart feels, cuz that is whose will I do. Not from my knowledge and understanding, but I am a vessel that can be used for this, and that is what is done with me.

You have your own self to deal with, and that probably isn't always easy, cuz we can't be perfect, so what is our best foot??

Anyways I guess that is good.

Have a good one.  :)


Luv ya's.   :)

MWAH.  :)))

xxoo.  :)

Laterzzzzzzzzzz. :)

Monday, October 19, 2015

Monday Will Be Easier Than The Weekend

Hello, and good morning. How's it going??  Me, I am doing pretty good. I worked a little extra than normal this weekend. I worked 6 hours on Saturday, I has to fill in and do extra stuff I don't normally do, cuz someone took a day off. It was fun. I left about 4:00 PM and had to be back at 3:00 AM, and I stayed up too late. I worked 5-1/2 hours, went home. I took a half hour nap, and has to go to another job. Luckily the guy I was working with started at 7:00 AM, and had a lot done, so I only worked an extra 2-1/2 hours there. I was fine, but I should not stay up later than I should.

99% of the time I don't.

So that was my busy weekend, and today I just have my regular job to do. I'll get out in the early afternoon, and come home and cook a meal.

I really don't have anything much on my mind at all. I did see something yesterday. I've seen it before too. Someone posted her blog to FB and said it was personal, but I am posting anyway.

I forget sometimes people have stuff on their mind, and it might be uncomfortable to share. I have been doing this sooooo long I doubt I find anything uncomfortable to share.

You look around, and many times people want to put their best foot forward, and we'll keep the other stuff to ourself. I remember way long ago, I was not too excited for people to see me during the journey blog. I am not really sure why. Maybe I know I have a strange story, and It was personal, and I was not then who I am today. I still did the Journey almost every day. I always woke up strong and was able to get something down. This wait blog has been going on for years, and I am way different now. A lot changed when I overcame the 2nd time.

I am a new me. I am not as good as I am going to be, but I am in the next best position besides being perfect. I am accepted. My heart is generally pretty good. I have all the support I need. It is invisible to the naked eye, but I can feel it. It is a way you and I are different.

Anyway life is a thing. We generally like to have some type of plan. Our plans are always a bit flawed cuz we cannot read the future. A lot of unknowns. I guess that is a way we are different too. I have less unknowns than you. I do know of some things in my future.

This thing in the future make most of my planning pretty silly. So I do as I wish. I work, cuz I like to. I run some, and bike some. I enjoy life, cuz life is friendly to me. I have a good set of eyes, and it helps me see a lot.

The way this thing goes is much more different than I expected, but these days everything is okay I'd say.

Anywayzzzz, I guess that is good.

Have a good one.  :)



Luv ya's.  :)

MWAH.  :)))

Lol, silly blog.


Saturday, October 17, 2015

Guess I Can Get Up...

Hello, and good morning. How's it going. Me, I am doing pretty good. It was my day to sleep in. I didn't exactly sleep in later than normal, but I did stay in bed later than normal. I was just laying there thinking of things, but nothing really in particular.

Right before I got up I did think of  something significant. Something I know to be the truth, and something you probably cannot relate to. It just has to do with life stuff. We grow up thinking we are pretty good. We sorta do okay in society. We aren't perfect cuz we have a sword we use on ourself, and we know we aren't perfect. Some people go out, and try to do respectable things whatever that may be.

The big disconnect though is there is a best a person can be. This person is absolutely not in our power to be, but it is possible to be made into this person. As far as I can tell it hasn't happened in Centuries. The World has been going on and nothing really significant has happened in this time. Coins remained coins, and then they disappeared.

So for some reason I come along, and my life is singled out to find the truth about life, and people, and I followed a path not of my own making, and I found the way for me to be made into the best a person can be.

Why me??  No good reason really, just lucky. I had a good set of eyes, and I was able to remember a lot of my life, and my heart wanted a purpose. My purpose is so much more than I bargained for, but my path made me strong, courageous. It made me trust, and finally live without fear.

Why did I "meet" some of you?  Same reasons really. None in particular, just one of those things.

Anyway I find that to be something. People live a life thinking they are special in some way, and we really aren't. We are not able to even make a dent in ourselves compared to what is possible.

Hearts are made of lust and greed and jealousy, and things like that. Heck my heart had to be taken, so it could be protected. Funny how that was after I gave up that time way long ago.

I really needed to learn that I really am not that special at all, and that is an important part of me. The truth of me helps me accept life I guess. The World speaks other things.

Anyway I guess that is good.

Have a good one.  :)

Luv ya's.  :)



MWAH.   :)))


Friday, October 16, 2015

I Hate Errands...

Hello, and good morning. I've been laying awake for a while thinking of nothing in particular. I was kinda laughing about all the ridiculousness on Wednesday. I laughed so much, and had a fun day. I stayed up way past my bedtime too.

Lisa just asked me a couple minutes ago if I still drink coffee, and I told her no. She asked why, and I just said it doesn't do anything for me. I thought about making a cup this morning, and I may.

Anyway I have to get a haircut, and I don't want to. I have to change the oil in my truck, and I may just do that myself. It is easier, and I hate errands.  Stupid life shit.

Anyway this week has been kinda a whirlwind. I am just doing the life thing, and I am not really too concerned with anything. I can't imagine what I look like as an outsider looking in, but I guess people wish their life was care free. Mine is as close as it comes I guess. I live my days by working, and after work I celebrate my labor with a meal, and a good night sleep.

I have nothing I need to accomplish in life, cuz I already have the best thing. I guess you'd call it self-actualization. It is kinda a matrix zone of existence. Life doesn't really affect me, and I don't worry about stuff.

I am not afraid of death, and I am ready for it whenever it comes. I know I won't see death until after my final thing, and whatever it is I am supposed to do after that, so I guess that is something to be content about, except for the final thing being no joke.

Other people who aren't me I don't know too well. People are slaves to the World really. The locker room talk that really fills our lives surely does not fill our public life. People have to look right, say the right things, smile and shit. What if you are just in a shitty mood?  We still have to be a certain way.

The World is such a piece of horse shit, and where do you fit in??

I think of how people are, and people are so lost. Stuck in this World, and there is no way out. Your best life is in the matrix zone of existence, which I guess is the Garden if Eden, but it is not in your power to get there. All other avenues will leave you unfulfilled, because the freedom you want you don't have, and all the other things you chase is wind.

Sucks to be you.  :)

Have a good one.  :)

Luv ya's.  :)



MWAH.  :)))


Tuesday, October 13, 2015

I'll Need To Check The Weather Today...

Hello, and good morning. How's it going??  I was sleeping pretty hard when my early alarm went off, so it took me a couple minutes to get up. I still am biking to work everyday, it sounds windy, I heard it was supposed to get colder, so I'll need to check the weather. I may need to wear my windbreaker jacket. I think I've said it before, but I like how I feel when I bike to work. I also like taking Hope for a short run before work, and sometimes feel guilty when I just lay down and nap before my late alarm goes off

Hope can be such an ass, but she does like the little runs.

Anyways not too much going on with me. Just living my boring little life. It is pretty boring too on the outside looking in, but I am never really bored. A lot of times I don't feel like doing anything. I can just sit down, do nothing, and not be bored.

I know that is probably ridiculous sounding. I think to how I used to be, and how you are now, and that is a big part of life.  There is a lot of stuff we "have to" do. There are ways we are supposed to act. Aren't we always supposed to be "on". Never in a bad mood. Supposed to be a certain way with family members and stuff. How much of our day to day dealings is real, and how much of it is fake us doing what is socially acceptable??

Life is just a whirlwind of failure.  It is impossible for us to live up to the person we are "supposed" to be. When it comes to us we were destined to lose at life. That is my story too. Plenty of failure turned to succesful'ish stuff, but when it came time to look at the mirror, my successes were superficial, and the guy who I really really wanted to be was out of reach. We all have a type of sword in us, and it can be used for good and bad. Good if used on ourself, and bad if used on others.

Everyone's sword is different, cuz we all judge people in different ways. Part of us is upbringing I guess, but a lot of us is experiences and stuff.

If you look hard enough you will have a vision of the person you'd like to be. You will also see you fail to live up to that. I guarantee you that to be a truth. I am sure none would disagree. What you didn't know, and what I learned is the best a person can be is a thing. My job is to teach that, and to show the way.

No, I didn't really ask for this, but the turn was for my life to matter when I didn't really see that life did matter. That is where you come in too, because this is my job. What I do is for you. I pull cause one makes my heart want to do this. I am a vessel being used to help you.

I do it freely, cuz all I am has been given to me, and it is in my heart to do this.

So if you ignore this who are you really ignoring??  If you don't believe this then you are the same as the multitudes who have done the same.

The World teaches the numbers being good, but it never was. The World never taught the truth, cuz the World never knew the truth.  I had to do my thing just to learn the truth. I've known where people stand for a long time. The story was closed for a long time, until I started doing this.

Crazy huh??   :)

That is it for today!!!    :)

Thanks for reading!!!    :)

Hope Everyone has a Great and Awesome Day!!!   :)

xo's!!!    :)

Love You All!!!   :)

p.s.  Guess it is time to check the weather.  :)

Love You All xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Ya'All are the best xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Extras of these xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Extras of these xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Luv ya's.  :)

xxoo.  :)

MWAH.   :)))

Now for really really cya cya cya   :D    :D

Monday, October 12, 2015

Where Do You Even Begin Today??

Hello, and good morning. How's it going??  Me, I am doing pretty good. I have no idea what to blog about, and also have no idea where to begin. :)

I had a pretty good weekend. I worked as usual. After work Saturday I watched football, and cooked dinner. Went to bed early so I could get back to work Sunday at 3:00 am. After work Sunday I started laundry, did dishes, and cleaned the kitchen. I then watched netflix, and some football. I napped too.

A weekend in the life. :)

So, this morning I was thinking of me, and who I am in the picture of things, and that is kinda a big deal I guess. I don't know how I would be if I had someone like me. Was it easier for me being solo, then actually have someone to help??

Really hard to tell, cuz once I took the steps I made, things were just natural. I am not sure really what the plans of my heart were, but my story surely was not mine. That's for sure.

I think back to just blogger me, and some things that were important'ish to me just really aren't. Actually my life isn't really important. I know my true worth, and I am cool with it.

If you take a look at life, we really seek out heroes. People who we think are doing it "right", and there are none. None are perfect. All fall short. None are as good of a person as is possible. My path is to be that person. I know the way for me, and I've known it for decades. Now I am in the wait part, and that is where you come in.

I don't really know how you think, but my guess is either you think you are good enough, or in your own power you will make you good enough. Both are wrong. You are not good enough, and it isn't in your power. For some, like the thief on the cross their labor is short, but still painful, cuz the thief was not happy with his life.

We all have to be the thief at some point, cuz the thief is the truth. Anything that does not lead you to being the thief is not good. You cannot be the thief without the turn, cuz our hearts need help seeing the truth. In other words we are more messed up than we know.

I know it is hard too, cuz people have families, and the way of the World one needs to do stuff to survive. The shoes you stand in are known. What you need is known. I stressed trust for a long time, and I know even that isn't easy.

In life people want to prove their worth many times by doing "tough" stuff. It is what I ask of you too. Really you are being asked to put your life in another's hands. Kinda goes against how we are, but I see how vulnerable you really are. I like that side of you.  :)

That is it for today!!!    :)

Thanks for reading!!!   :)

Hope Everyone has a Great and Awesome Day!!!   :)

xo's!!!   :)

Love You All!!!   :)

p.s.  Time I take the Hopester.

Love You All xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Ya'All are the best xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Extras of these xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Extras of these xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Luv ya's.  :)


MWAH.  :)))

Now for really really cya cya cya    :D    :D

Saturday, October 10, 2015

I Have A Couple Minutes...

Hello, and good morning. How's it going??  Me, I am doing pretty good. Today was my sleep in day, and that is what I did.

Anyway, I was thinking a bit about my last couple updates. The story has been told a few times before, but I told it again. There are some things I know are pretty impossible for you to understand, and mostly this is a new person here. Going through the eye of the needle makes me different than you. I see things different than you, because I am opened and able to be seen. That probably is impossible for you to understand too. I know how you are, having once been like you, and you have no idea how I am, as you haven't been through the eye of the needle. So that is that.

One thing I thought about how I am now overcoming twice is the sword has no power over me. I am poor in Spirit, so it is impossible for me to be the best a person can be, I am not ashamed of me though. The sword is a pretty brutal thing, and the worst of the worst is crafty with it. His Generals are Popes, and robe wearers, and all the false teachers, of which they all are. They don't know they are false teachers they are blindly going down a horrible route, and bringing many with them.

You can tell they teach crap of this World cuz they collect wrong coins, and build bigger and bigger buildings with their collections.

So up comes little old me, and I have a job to do, and it is much grander in scale than anything that would be possible for me.

So really crappy old me is just a vessel being used. The work I do is not of my own design, but just being used to do this job.

I do it too, and when I am not doing that I am free to do as I choose with no worries. My heart is pretty okay, so I typically don't feel like killing people, and raping girls, and carving body parts out of people to eat, and all these things that you people do on the weekends.   :)

I guess that is good.

Have a good day.  :)



Luv ya's. :)

xxoo.  :)

MWAH.  :)))

Friday, October 9, 2015

That Was Fun...

Hello, and good morning. How's it going??  Me, I am doing good. I really had fun with my post yesterday. It was fun taking a trip down memory lane. My whole life is open for me to view. My story went in though, and there was still important stuff. When I was full in spirit I felt I was the best a person can be. Honest Lora was for this short time the best friend I had in the World. We'd stay up and watch country videos til like 4:00 am. We worked 2nd shift. It was strictly a platonic relationship. I had my life, and I was doing whatever the turn said I'd do. I already survived those 6 days, so I knew a lot of stuff that as I know now none on the Earth knew.

This short time was probably the best if my life. Everything was taken away. I did a lot already, and I was given a lot. My story went on though. It wasn't done. I was told to leave Lora, and go solo. Little did I know my story just began.

I went solo, and seeked for my answers. My bad Summer was before me, and it led to overcoming the first time, and the Hospital. Lora was one of the people to visit me the next morning when I was surprised I was still alive. The judges are harsh. I was broken. I did not try and save my life, but I gave my life to others, and said God's will.

Anyway a new day was here, but I had a year of the physical depression to deal with. I needed to sleep most of my hours. It was work, and sleep. Really not sure why I had to go through that. It was horrible.

Anyway smack dab in the middle of this I met Natalie. I was never going to have another girlfriend. My life was all about the turn. Ha!!  I fell accidentally big time for her. Having no energy I was never ever so vulnerable in my life. The Steve I knew was nowhere near. I got jealous for the first time in my life with her.

Anyway she went to study abroad in Denmark, and that damn near killed me. I really fell big time for her. I wrote her letters every day, much like I do this, and she rarely wrote me. That broke my heart too. :)  her twin sister, and I became friends, and hung out. That was good for me, cuz I was really a wreck about Natalie being gone. Alyssia had a bunch of gay friends for some reason, and we'd go out to the local gay bar. They were fun people, and really nice. One time Alyssia, and I believe her best friend came over to my apartment after the bar, and drank coffee talking til like 5:00 am. Alyssia and I even went and saw some movie sometime, and I don't really remember what it was.

Anyway I was really glad to have Alyssia as a friend back then.

At some point my energy returned, and I was me again. The fragile vulnerable me was gone. Natalie came back, and we got together again. I've been through a lot, and the only problem with Natalie and I is one day I called her after work at a bar. I just started working at Menards, and I'd stop by Diamond Daves for some beers. A dumb ass mall bar/shitty restaurant that was on my way home. I drank a fuck ton of beer there during that time, and maybe ate one or two meals. For a while I rarely even got charged for beer. I knew the owners.

Anyway for some reason Natalie asked me in what I thought was a mean way, "why are you calling me from a bar?"  I took it the wrong way, said I'd call her back later, and I did like 3 months later. Geesh at this time I already met Cathrine from Norway. We were pen pals, and we even hooked up in Chicago. She hung out with all my friends, and we showed her a good time in the city. Eventually I lost track of Cathrine, Natalie, and Alyssia. I don't know much of their stories at all, but I am friends with them on FB now. :)

Natalie was driven, and smart, and ambitious. She went on to do some army Dietician stuff. She is in Germany I believe with her husband. Alyssia has 2 or 3 kids, and I am not sure where she lives. I forgot to check. Cathrine is in Norway with her husband and kids. I am friends with her husband too.

Memory lane is fun. It is fun sharing my story. It is fun knowing everything about me, and actually it is fun to be me.

One thing I thought about memory lane is if it is hard. Is it like the bloody Mary's at Phil's??  Those people didn't have enough liquor in them to look down memory lane. Not sure how you feel about that stuff.

This shit is easy for me.


Have a good day.  :)



xxoo   :)))

Luv ya's.  :)


Thursday, October 8, 2015

My Past...

So for some reason my whole life is laid out before me. What you need to know about me is I had a bit of a religious past growing up. I believed in God, did whatever magical horseshit prayer Willow Creek was preaching, and figured I was good. Now just go out and do my best. Meek/humble me vs the other me.

Growing up in the Chicago 'burbs has all the Bullshit one can handle. There are a ton of people with money, and plenty of blue collar workers. My Dad fell in between. All things said though the farmer's son from Iowa didn't di horrible for himself. He had his own Bullshit to deal with growing up.

Anyway going through puberty and stuff I did find a girl I liked. We were together for 2-1/2 years. We never had sex, cuz I was saving it for marriage, but we would do everything but. Screwy religious thoughts about sex before marriage and stuff. So dumb, and pointless.

Anyway I was trying to follow the religious side of me.  I went to a Community College for one year after High School, cuz I had no idea what I wanted to do. College yeah, cuz that is what people do. Carolynn didn't really like the side of me that had a bit of religion in me, and broke up with me. I rebelled in my mind against God, but really I was just in my way to find the truth.

Off to ISU I go. School was easy, and I could party all the time. Just before I got up I was thinking of a lot of the girls I was with. There were plenty. Some good looking, some not. Some I liked some, and some were just one night stands. I smoked pot for the first time, did cocaine twice. Once was in the city with all black people. Tried acid once. Had a bad trip, and that pretty much ended drugs for me.

Along these few years were fun and failure. Too much fun cones at the expense of fucking shit up. I started working at Wards. I didn't have a car so I took the bus or sometimes even walked home. Work for me is good. It is something I need. Too much partying and fun only leads to nowhere. The balance of work and fun.

So I started turning the failure around. I felt like a black sheep of the family. At Wards I met Katrina, and she was my next girlfriend for 2-1/2 years. She was younger than me, and she was a knockout. She was a farmer's daughter, and so much different than Chicago Suburb girls. She was a cheerleader, and fun. She worked, and the hang ups people from Chicago might have she didn't. Also the night before Katrina and I went on our first date the jewelry manager from Wards made a pass at me at my house, and we had sex. She was pretty, but kind of big. Her husband I think was a body builder or something. I had no interest in her, but I had a few beers, and guys can always do that shit. At least this guy could.

So with Katrina was a lot of fun. I was really getting my shit together, and also religious Steve was trying to find his way. Deep down I still wanted to be the best version of me possible.

I have a party. Some ridiculously hot blond and I hook up. Katrina walks in on us, and that is the beginning.  It was very hard to look at the pain I caused her. I was just having fun, and didn't know there were repercussions. I am Steve, and I don't want to cause pain. That is not what I want to do. We somehow try to salvage the relationship. She said something to the effect of losing the perfect boyfriend, but gaining a real one. Just now I realized she had me on a pedestal.

After this happens I get the call my Mom is going to die. Graduation comes. I continue to work at the Hospital cleaning, cuz I have no idea what I want to do. My Mom dies. Katrina and I break up on my birthday, and my grandpa dies a few days later. I am all alone in the World, and my life is before me.

What is one to do??  So you see the webs of life do not have me tangled. So I am going to be the best me ever. I start looking to see what there is to do in the World, but after this life everything looks ugly. The turn was made somewhere in these days, and I overcame me somewhere here to.

The mirror was given to me too, and the Steve I wanted to be I was not.

The mirror eventually lead to repentance, because I saw what I deserved. The person I wanted to be was out of reach.

So then there are the many things that happened before the Hospital. Honest Lora, telling the pretty blond about my failure with Katrina. The six days of being persecuted out of the blue. No one could see the persecution, and it was my story, being made. I was told I would be rescued out of everything, and it was just because I overcame me. Praying for the promotion, I want, I want, I want, but your will. I was told to go in the next day, and not take the promotion. Take my name out. I was obedient, and I know I was playing the fool.

Eventually through the eye of the needle. Being filled, and on the right hand side of being right. In some weird way it was the persecution, and a taste of Hell I had that clothed me. It is when I will be full in Spirit again too, when I go do my final thing. It is the final thing of this story, but I will still be here.

It all leads to not being full anymore. Suffering so much, and doing what seemed like a lot I am told I am very very very far away now. I was obedient again, but I asked why??  Why so far away??  How could this happen??  You know the answer to that.

Anyway, I gotta get ready for work.

Have a good one.  :)




I don't have time to proof read, so I apologize for typos.


Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Something New...

Just when you think you saw it all. So today was starting out a lot like Monday. Woke up well before my alarm, and ready to get up. So I was just laying there, and fell asleep. I was sleeping deep when the early alarm went off so I went back to sleep. I woke up after about a half hour, so I figure I got time to do this. I don't need to stay in bed til my late alarm goes off. I won't have time to take the hopester   though.

So that is that. My heart has been really good lately. It is kinda hitting me that these are not the dead years. We are not alone, although you cannot tell. One of the many things I cannot explain to you. Shoes of mine you cannot walk in. My heart is at peace. It is happy and filled with joy. The truth of my life I know, and I realize there are no heroes in life. How did the World lead us all astray?

I have no idea, but from where I stand everything is easy. I know me, and I know my story. I know some probably scary things about you that you do not. These times for me are so strange. For one I know you better than you do. Your deepest desire, and maybe biggest fear is you want to be known. Carrying your burdens, and keeping them buried is not good for you. During my time way back when I went through what I thought my whole life was. It got me started. Some things were held back, and saved for the journey.

I was thinking you people have to go on your own personal journey, but now I don't even know if that is true. I have no idea what it is you are to do, and this running in place is stupid.

I am pretty sure you have your own personal thing to go through, and some may be pulled to share.

From where I stand everything looks different than you. I am not afraid of me, and I am not afraid of my story. The best parts about me are seriously just gifts given. Me on my own HA!!  Who knows what I would have been??

So on we go. Me standing as I do, and you standing as you do. I know your inside, and I remember how dark it is. The light scares you, cuz the light will reveal to you the truth. You can trust me, you are definitely not who you think you are.  It all may seem scary at first, but the end game the fear goes away. For me it is actually before the end game I lost my fear, but you have no idea the power and strength of my help.

I am not alone, and that means you aren't either. It doesn't scare me now, but I bet it does where you stand, because you have not done what has been asked. The biggest thing I can tell you is to get on the right side of right is worth everything, and your life probably seems big, but it isn't. Just another pebble of sand.

Crazy crazy.

Have a good one  :)



xxoo.  ;)

Tuesday, October 6, 2015


So yesterday was kind of strange. I woke up around 2:00am. I was in a good mood, and figured it would be an early 3:00am day. I've been in a serious good mood lately. I fell asleep, and when 3:00am rolled around I was sleeping heavy and I was tired. So I stayed in bed for another hour and 45 minutes. You have no idea how great it is if I want to sleep close to two more hours. Some people hit snooze, and I can snooze for 2 more hours.

Anyway, yesterday I thought that was the neatest thing. I've been thinking of some things lately, and two times of my life were similar. The night my energy returned, and the beginning of the dead years, and the end of the journey.

The similar thing in both was, I had more things to do, but it was not in my power to go from A to B. kind of in a no mans land type of thing. It isn't horrible being like this cuz you know you cannot be perfect, and right, although that is the end game.

If today is any different it is these are not dead years. During the dead years all I had was the promise of future things to do. Currently I have been laboring for years. I did stuff during my first two blogs, and you know currently I am not sure what I do.

I know I've called myself a teacher, and I guess I teach the truth, but it isn't me. The things I teach come from a higher wisdom then I would ever attain on my own, it is a strange thing being me. Not so much to me, but you wouldn't understand. My shoes you cannot walk in. I can't really walk in your shoes that great.

I know some things though. I know the weakness of being a human. I also know the pull of our hearts saying I am smart, and strong, and there is no end to the great things one can achieve. Of all the great things a person can be made into, none is in our power. You have to overcome your own false teaching, and our whole lives are made up of that.

We were brought up on bad leaven, and you need no leaven to continue.

As for me, in my heart I know how good it is to be me. I know how lucky I am. I think of the things you must do, and I have no idea how you will do it.

I am here to take your life away, and give you a better one, and really that is what it is all about.

One other thing too is I had no idea how hard this was. To me it all seemed so simple. The reason my path was made so ridiculously hard was to save more lives, and that hasn't been done at all yet.

These are the end days, but you won't know it. Life will turn pretty nasty at some point, and I don't know what that means. I know I was warned a long time ago to not wish for those days, cuz they aren't good. So I hoped I would be dead when they happened. :).
I want the easy way too. :)  inside me the worst of the worst is trapped. Once he is out I doubt that is a good thing. He is unwilling to go where I am going, and that is because I am strong with my help. I am only worth anything cuz of my help. My coin has been made better, cuz I gave it up a long time ago. I didn't see much use for life.

So where do we go from here??  I really don't know. It is time for your story, and will you have one? or will you just cling to the same ways??

It will take strength for you to get on the right path. My path is right and true. I cannot even explain. You have some work to do, and I know how hard it is cuz to live life is to be tangled. It is our sadness that helps untangles the web. You need a lot of
help to do this. If you are angry it is your way of telling you are doing it wrong. If you are unhappy and feel like life isn't everything it should be follow that road. If you want to ignore everything and somehow prove to everyone you are a Saint, that is just horrible.

Hard stuff for you to go through, and I can help some, but you gotta choose the right path. Remember the word trust. I spent 2 years drilling that into you, and you have me on the other side saying this is good too.

Anyways, I think I'll go for a run.

Have a good one.  :)



Saturday, October 3, 2015

Man I Can Sleep On Saturday Morning.

Hello, and good morning. I am surprised how much I can sleep Friday night to Saturday morning. Every other day of the week I try to get up by 3:00 am, so maybe it is a day of catch up. I usually go to bed early Friday night, cuz after work I can get a little crazy if I want. Typically I want.

Anyway, that is me. You may wonder how I am free to do as I choose, and it is because just like this morning I let everything be seen. I have no shame in anything about me. I hide none of my silly ways, and you will not be able to understand that. I don't know what it is like to hide stuff, because those days are gone. In that way I have no idea what it is like to be you anymore. I cannot be in those shoes anymore.

So what else is going on??  The World is just as dumb as ever. 2 sides ready to start a Civil War over the 2nd Amendment. One side wants to go to the Wild West, where justice is doled out by whoever is better with the gun. The other side knows that is sorta ridiculous, but they argue in vain. Things will never change too too much in that regard.

I myself don't really want to get into foolish arguments that already has everybody pissed. I'd like to know what sort of rejection has a person endured to just flat out start killing people?? Where did everything go so horribly wrong??  I think back to how fragile of a person I was during puberty and my High School years. I wanted to be cool, and I guess I was sorta popular. I was pretty good at Soccer, but I played it my whole life so who wouldn't be.

I think what I really wanted was to be special maybe. Like I was living a good life type of thing. Not sure, but I wanted to be humble, and not have pride, but I don't think I lived up to the good person I wanted to be. You know my Senior year of HS I had to wake up by 2:00 am 7 days/ week to do a big car paper route. Tribune, Sun Tines, and Herald. I think typically around 300 papers, so getting up early is something I did. After work I'd go wake up Scully, and we'd go run like a 1-1/2 mile route. I always beat him.  :)

My life changed when my hs girlfriend and I broke up. I was at a community college with  Doug Kasner who was one of the best men at my wedding. We both went to ISU the year after. We had many silly times back then. I just never grew up. I had that couple year stretch where I went through things previously explained.

As much as I battled being right in the journey, it all came to this. I was to be Adam, before I am made into the best a person can be. I think the dead years were part of the story, because it is good. My Adam years are for me, cuz they are good for me. It is a fun way to live having great promises, and a heart that is strong and well cared for. It can get ugly here with mistakes, but you know me, and we don't know you.

Anyways just jotting some things down.

Have a good one.  :)



Friday, October 2, 2015

It Is Friday

Hello, and good morning. How's it going??  Me, I am doing pretty good. I am awake, cuz I am not tired. It is Friday, and I can sleep in tomorrow. Sunday I have to work two jobs. I am working with the cleaning people, and there might be a lot to do. I might be working there more frequently on Sundays too, which is fine with me cuz I don't really do anything worth a crap on Sundays. I'll be forking over $1100 for my truck next week too, so one can always use money.

As to this blog, HA!!  Such a disaster, and I question where did it all go wrong??  For one thing people have not been strong, and trust for sure has not been there. The two most important things. If I lose trust in you that is not good. I don't know how you would gain that back.

I thought about the predicament you are in, and I wondered what if I had someone like me. I realized I was not afforded that, because I was solo. The days when I wanted answers there was nowhere to turn.

Then I thought how it must be to live inside your head. I figured it must be really strange, because you are closed off from a higher thinking that is available, but not in your reach. You are of this World, and all you know is this World. I am in between from who I once was to who I am going to be.

It is not good to be you, although it is all you know. I had a blog that has gone on many years, but it teaches of our weakness and imperfections, not our greatness. No one wants to hear that, cuz it can't be, can it??

Our whole life can't mean nothing can it??  Solomon surely was wrong right??

Why have the World if everything is so whack??  Do not trust in your own understanding, because inside your heart is no understanding of the significance of all this. I've gone through a lot to get where I am to be able to help, but it is all easy now for me. My work is done save one thing, but you cannot cling to the World anymore, cuz it is of no help to you.

You cannot cling to your old ways, because that life is over. Either you choose the World or the path that leads to the better you. You can't choose both. One "seems" like a sacrifice, but that is just cuz of your limited knowledge, and lack of understanding.

The funny thing you cannot hide is your inside, cuz I know what it is like to be you. I was once like that. You have no idea what it is like to be me, cuz you have never had this.

Sooooo, I guess eventually maybe some of you may come along. I guess you first want to have something better than what you are now. There may be security in groups, but your life only = you.

It is why we have the mirror, because you have to deal with you. You will not be fixing the World that is for sure, you can't even fix you, unless you take the steps that lead to help.

Oops this was long.  Sorry... Not sorry.  :)



My previous blogs were about other stuff.  :)))

Thursday, October 1, 2015

What A Mess...

It don't take much for this blog to get a little messy that is for sure. I don't even know what to say. I think I am becoming less and less interested. I have my life, and there isn't much to it. Work, eat, stay active, have fun.

There is a certain pull in many, maybe all people that we are doing it right. I am okay, everyone else is fucked up. The truth of the matter is you are overpowered by things you cannot see. The person we want to be is out of reach.

People must know that, cuz then they make some type of sacrifice. I do this, and put a lot of effort in this. That makes me better, cuz look at that fatso over there. Look at me, now look at them. Surely I am a Saint. Right??

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We are people so are insides are all kinds of stuff. Perfect isn't one of them, and once again we know that, so we take pictures. We dress up our lives, because now the people can see we are Saints right??

We are on our way to being judged. That means it is us individually just looking at the truth. That is all. The truth of us is scary isn't it??

The human being. Has there ever been anything more doomed to failure??  So great we are with these brains, and thumbs. Walking upright and shit, yet the truth of us is nowhere near. Shit, I had to ask for the mirror years ago in a different blog, because we would not be able to see ourselves otherwise.

So you have the mirror, and sometimes this blog is a mirror too I suspect, but this blog is a mess, and that means one thing only. You turned the mirror instead of using on yourself.

Not smart.